I really need help. I feel completely lost and disrespected.
This is super long, so maybe I won’t even get an answer, but here it goes:
My boyfriend of 5.5 years has spent the last year (and a half) gambling.
I’m 25, he’s turning 25 next month and we still live with our parents. We are both college graduates, I have a master’s degree and he has a bachelor’s. We live in a country where work opportunities are very rare, so we’ve been struggling to get a job and finally be independent.
Since he came back from college his life has been a living hell at home, he has a 20-year-old sister and a little brother and his parents treat him like a slave working on the family business and only show love to his siblings. His father is a very cold, destructive person and his mom doesn’t care much about him either.
About a year and a half ago, he started playing online poker again. He started gambling 20 euros each time and then increasingly started playing more, up to 100 euros each time. He would be winning and then he would gamble it away going “all in” and losing whatever amount he could actually make. He had already played online poker before for a month (two years prior to this) and got into a compulsive/addictive behavior, but he stopped on his own. This time was different, he played online poker everyday for a year and he gambled away more than 10k. He admitted he had a problem and stopped for a week, but then started again, stopped again for about two weeks, and did it again. He stopped when his parents found out he had gambled away all of his savings money and money he had been given by his parents throughout the years. His mom found out first and asked him to promise to never do it again, his dad found out because his mom went ahead and told him (although they are clueless about the real amount he gambled away the whole year).
Even after they found out, he started again after about a month and kept going. He got frustrated with it because he kept losing and finally stopped online poker for good.
The problem is that little by little, he started gambling on sports bets, first it was only once or twice a week, but then he installed an APP on his phone and since then (about 4 months) he has been gambling nonstop, he started using on APP that is legal here, and about 1 month ago started using another APP that is actually illegal here in the country and betting A LOT. On sports bets, I would say he has already spend around 5k, but it could be more.
He won 1k last week and transferred it to his bank account, but during the next day he managed to gamble it all away due to accumulated losses. It’s taking over his life and now he only goes to bed at 4AM and wakes up at noon, because he spends so much time during the night looking at games and analyzing bets.
Although all of this is happening under his parents’ roof, they are completely oblivious to the fact that he keeps on gambling and they honestly don’t care, but he’s reached the point of stealing money for them to gamble, so that worries me, because that really isn’t the person that he is. He keeps saying that he feels guilty when he does it, but he keeps doing it anyway because he won’t stop gambling.
The worst part of this is that I have been putting up with it. At first, he didn’t act different around me, but the sad part is that when he has big wins during the bets, he starts hugging me and being affectionate because of the winning hype, and when he loses… He ignores me and treats me like s**t. Then when I complain and tell it to his face—that I know he’s been ignoring me and not spending time with me lately because of the gambling—he says it’s not true and that he’s been acting like that because of me and because I don’t leave him alone.
We used to spend 2-3 hours at the end of the day (night) together, every day, now he only comes over 2-3 nights and stays for about an hour. We don’t go out, we don’t do boyfriend-girlfriend stuff like walking in a park, watching a movie, or having dinner, and anytime I try to push him to do anything like that, he can’t stay away from his phone for more than 5 minutes (because he’s constantly gambling and checking bets).
He was never like this before, he was the most romantic, affectionate boyfriend. He’s turning into a cold, heartless person all because of gambling and I’m starting to see him turn into his horrible father. I know we’re not in a great phase of our lives, but I wish we were trying to work it out together and trying to stay strong. However, he ignores me more and more and doesn’t seem to realize that I need affection and attention too. I’m not being greedy and I’m not only worried about him for my sake (because I “want” his attention), I’m also worried about him for his own sake, because he is destroying himself mentally and he doesn’t admit it.
Therapy is also a big no-no for him. I’ve tried, multiple times, to talk him into going to a psychologist to just talk for a little bit, and he starts lashing out on me. He’s in total denial, he doesn’t see himself as an addict although he has admitted that he has been compulsive at times. His parents are also the kind of people that would never take him to therapy, because they are old-fashioned and think that psychologists are for losers and the mentally ill.
I really don’t know what to do. We had so many plans for the future, but it’s all wasting away, especially because I’m losing my faith in him and even when we finally are independent, I’m starting to second-guess if I really want to be with someone that is capable of gambling so much money—which I will not tolerate—so I need him to stop for good, forever, or else I will not be able to find the strength to go on much longer. But I also don’t have the strength to leave him in such a horrible situation.
I love him to pieces, but I just can’t stand it anymore, I feel like I deserve better and I need love and affection. He doesn’t know how to give that to me anymore and I’ve been so patient that I really have no clue what to do anymore to grab his attention. I just wish there was a way to magically make him stop and make things go back to the way they used to be.
Hi amp wire it's a shame to see you here. Your bf is in the grip of addiction. He's changed into an addict not his father. You can't fix him and you need to look after yourself. Unfortunately it's up to him to seek help. Are there gambler's anonymous meetings where you live? Compulsive gambling is progressive so the bets get bigger and so does the debt. Don't give him money or help with debt, that just leads to more gambling. You are right you do deserve better. He's not your responsibility. If you want to help in some way I would encourage him to seek help.
Hi
Just as nothing you or anyone else have said or done has caused him to gamble so there is nothing anyone can say to make him stop. He has to want that for himself and until he does you unfortunately are in for more of the same.
You choices lie with deciding whether you wish to tolerate the behaviour that goes with active addiction. You sound like you've already thought about what you want and deserve from a partner and he's not matching up. That won't change all the time he's active in fact it's likely to get progressively worse. Protect your finances to give you some breathing space then think hard about what you want and how you want to live.
Hello ampwire
sorry to hear you're suffering the consequences of your partner's addiction. You don't say what country you live in, but if you do feel comfortable to share that we could see what resources might be available in your country. Another option might be to try the forums at gamblingtherapy.org which are aimed at those outside the UK. They also offer 1:1 support from trained advisers.
In the meantime you're very welcome to keep posting here and getting support from our community.
Best wishes
Deirdre
Forum Admin
Well done on finding the forum, unfortunatly there is no quick fix to your problem. Your living with a compulsive gambler. Iam one myself and I can tell you unless your partner goes and gets help (this is up to him, he has to really want to do it and cannot be forced) then you can expect things not only to stay the same but in fact get progressivly worse. When I was in the grip of this addiction, my partner and the kids came a distant second to me feeding my habit, I was a horrible person. I was also in complete denial about the fact that I had an issue, deep down I knew I had but I also knew addressing it meant giving up gambling which was not going to happen. It did eventually happen but only when I reached rock bottom and my partner was ready to end our relationship. I went to my local Gamblers Anonymous meeting and never looked back.
It is a serious addiction so your partner may not be ready to get help, if thats the case then you are wasting your time as he will not change until he is. Are you willing to wait for him? Its sad what has happened your boyfriend but the other posters on here are right in that you need to look after yourself. Certainly protect any finances you have. You are obviously intelligent given you have got a Masters Degree, you say there are few jobs in your country, maybe you could move to a country where there are lots of jobs. Just a thought.
If you have any questions, feel free to ask.
Thank you so much for your replies. I don't feel very comfortable saying what country I live in, but it's in Europe (hence the "euros").
I forgot to mention, but I've already let him borrow, on two different occasions, 20 euros. He hasn't given them back to me yet, but I'm sure he will. However, I felt really bad for even lending him that money, but when he asked for it he kept telling me to trust him and that he only needed it to make an urgent bet that he believed he could win and would put him in a better financial situation. I know that it must be some kind of gambler's manipulation, but I find it so hard so say no when he treats me like I'm a ghost basically all the time, doesn't give me affection or talk nicely to me, but then when he needed that, he asked me and talked to me like I was so important and respectfully. There's a side of me who falls for it because I'm still holding on to the person that he was, but there's another side of me that's trying to remain sane and conscious and not fall for that BS. It's so tough to deal with everything. I honestly never thought in a million years that I would have to be dealing with this and that the sweet, romantic guy that I met 6 years ago would turn into this, and it's depressing to see my life go down the drain, I've sacrificed so much to be with him, I could've already left the country and immigrated to another one with better work opportunities for me, but I've stayed for him, and this is what I get in return. I don't consider myself ugly and my personality isn't all that bad either, I know if I wanted to there are other guys out there that would value me, but it's difficult to even think about leaving him at this point, because I still have so many feelings for him...I considered him my best friend and I think that if I leave him, it will only make it worse for him and he will end up hurting himself and come to a point where he wants to end his life.
He's already become depressed in the past when he stopped poker gambling and he expressed thoughts of suicide, even I have already become severely depressed last year because of his gambling and behavior (he knows it), but he's still too proud to actually seek for professional help and I know in my heart that he never will because he is too proud and deep down he also thinks that therapy is for losers and mentally ill people and he doesn't consider himself an addict, although he has been wasting his entire days with it. Although he hasn't come over often during the week (we like 6km from each other so distance is not an excuse), there is not ONE SINGLE DAY where I don't find out that he is going to the bank to make another deposit on the gambling online account. I've already threated him to tell his parents, but he told me that if I do that, he will end the relationship with me.
It also doesn't help that he follows on Facebook a bunch of pages and groups about betting, gambling and with betting tips. So even when he has stopped poker in the past, I believe that the fact that he sees other people gambling online and posting sports scores and bets, tempts him to keep on doing it.
PS: by the way, I don't know of any Anonymous Gambling meetings here in the country. I live in a remote area of the country and gambling problems are basically a taboo, no one talks about it, there's no awareness whatsoever about it. They even have commercial ads of gambling websites and APPs ON TV, so that's great to tempt potential gamblers - but no one EVER talks about the risks.
Joe-90 wrote:
Well done on finding the forum, unfortunatly there is no quick fix to your problem. Your living with a compulsive gambler. Iam one myself and I can tell you unless your partner goes and gets help (this is up to him, he has to really want to do it and cannot be forced) then you can expect things not only to stay the same but in fact get progressivly worse. When I was in the grip of this addiction, my partner and the kids came a distant second to me feeding my habit, I was a horrible person. I was also in complete denial about the fact that I had an issue, deep down I knew I had but I also knew addressing it meant giving up gambling which was not going to happen. It did eventually happen but only when I reached rock bottom and my partner was ready to end our relationship. I went to my local Gamblers Anonymous meeting and never looked back.
It is a serious addiction so your partner may not be ready to get help, if thats the case then you are wasting your time as he will not change until he is. Are you willing to wait for him? Its sad what has happened your boyfriend but the other posters on here are right in that you need to look after yourself. Certainly protect any finances you have. You are obviously intelligent given you have got a Masters Degree, you say there are few jobs in your country, maybe you could move to a country where there are lots of jobs. Just a thought.
If you have any questions, feel free to ask.
Thank you so much for your reply. It's a little bit reassuring to read about your experience and know that you've overcome it. It gives me a little bit of hope that it's actually possible to stop. The thing is, I've already threatened to leave him and end the relationship, but he takes it lightly and even replies with "maybe it's for the best and since you say I'm only hurting you, yeah, go ahead and find someone else". So throwing an ultimatum at him is probably not going to work, especially since we are not married, we don't have kids, and the only thing that "attaches us" is the fact that I've always been comprehensive and supported him in his studies and careers, and deep down I think he knows that he will never find someone as tolerant like me. I honestly don't know if he loves me anymore, I honestly don't know if he even remembers what the hell is love and serenity. It seems like he only loves his d**n cellphone and gambling apps, groups and pages. Do you think that your partner also thought you didn't care for and love her/him anymore?
Hi amp wire unfortunately when they are actively gambling that is all that's on their minds. It's like a drug. Don't put your life on hold for him. This will get a lot worse if he doesn't see the problem.
Hi again
The self pity and manipulation can be pretty epic. You're not responsible for his happiness. You're not responsible for his actions. Don't fall for being manipulated. It's worth turning this around and asking yourself what's in this relationship for you and why you're letting him treat you this way.
I agree with not putting your life and ambitions on hold for him. They can justify anything and everything when it comes to protecting the addiction. Not wanting expert help and claiming he's not as bad as that gambler over there therefore he's not an addict is classic denial. No-one can help him until he wants to be helped.
Hi Again,
Im not sure my partner thought I did not love her even though I was treating her and the kids like dirt, but she knew something was not right. But she was not willing to indulge my addiction, it was gambling or her end of story. If I am honest I was so in the grip of it I would have left and continued on if I had the means to do so. I had to hit rock bottom with no lace left to go before I went to GA and turned myself around.
I know you love your boyfriend but you cannot fix him, he has got to do it himself. The best you can do is to give him and ultimatum (you or the gambling) as frankly if he continues there is no future there anyway. Iknow you want to hear everything will be ok and it may well be one day but Im afraid thats all down to his actions, you have got to be prepared to leave him and move on with your life. Listen to the other people on here who live with CG's, they understand the hard measures needed and they dont tolerate guilt trips or giving their partners back finacial control. Be honest with yourself, do you want things to keep going as they have been (or even getting worse)? Unless he gets help and really commits to it then Im afriad the status quo will be maintained.
Thank you all for your replies.
I think for him what triggered gambling in the first place was trying to escape from his current reality. First it was just an escape, and at the moment he started losing money, he wanted to chase the loss and kept going and going, and I believe what's keeping him from stopping is that need to chase the losses. How do you think CG can eventually accept the fact that they have lost a certain amount of money and will never get it back? In other words, from your experiences, how do you think the "acceptance" phase works? I've never been a CG myself, but the way I see it, it seems tougher to stop gambling when your problem is that you're still chasing losses, than because you're addicted to the adrenaline of the game... It must be VERY rough to accept so many losses and actually put an end to it... Does it ever really come a time when you stop feeling guilty and move on?
Yes of course, we need fuel for our addiction so if we can kee going at it without too much consequences then we will. I loved gambling, but it was not until I went to GA and spoke to fellow CG's that I reached my acceptance phase as you put it, basically this was when I realised that I could never gamble again in any form, but I knew at that point I would lose my partner. He has to face reality and stop chasing, he thinks he is in control, but step 1 is to admit we have no control over it.
Hello ampwire, I could have written so much of your post myself that I had to comment and see how things have gone for you. My boyfriend started to drift away from me just before Xmas, spending more time on his phone, away in the evenings or when sports events were on, becoming bad tempered, asking for money for petrol. His phone was cut off, then he 'lost' his phone, then I heard from various family members that he had been borrowing ALOT from all of them. I brought up that I was unhappy and he massively overreacted and stopped speaking to me. When I managed to get in touch with him he said he didn't want to try again because he was just going to make me unhappy again. Like you, an ultimatum isn't going to work, he's already chosen gambling. I know he's become very depressed and withdrawn since we broke up, to the point of missing work. I suppose I should be grateful he doesn't want to drag me down with him but when we bump into each other it breaks my heart I can't help him 🙁 He too refuses to go to meetings as he doesn't like talking to people, but I can just see his downward spiral getting worse 🙁 I hope things have improved with your situation ampwire.
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