Bombshell

Hello Shanlea

Welcome to the forum and I'm sorry to hear about what you've been going through. It sounds like you husband's gambling escalated after winning that large sum, but it's positive that he has admitted his problem and now wants help. There's a lot of help here for him, and for you too, so you've come to the right place. There is certainly advice which we can give you regarding first steps for your husband to take in starting to tackle this. Whilst it's great you are being supportive, try to bear in mind that dealing with this is primarily your husband's responsibility. Taking the necessary steps to seek advice and support is actually a helpful part of the recovery process for him. Once you have provided him with the information regarding next steps it may be useful to take a step back and wait for him to give you some concrete evidence that he is doing something about his gambling.

You say you're trying to be strong for him and I'm sure he needs that but remember to look after yourself too. This is understandably a very tough time for you. We are definitely here for you, but perhaps there's also someone close to you who you can talk to about this, a friend or family member? It really will help to share this.

It's good that your husband has self-excluded from online gambling sites. As there are so many online gambling sites, it may be tempting for him to simply open another account on a different site. There's blocking software which can be installed onto whichever device he is using to gamble, e.g. his phone, tablet or computer. This would then block access to all gambling sites. Here's some more information about this: http://www.gamcare.org.uk/get-advice/what-can-you-do/blocking-software#.Vp-E7y1FCIY

If you haven't already done so I would recommend taking control of the finances and giving him a small amount of cash each day while he is attempting to overcome this.

In terms of support that is available, we may be able to offer free specialist counselling if we have a counselling service in your area. This would be free counselling and sessions would be on a weekly basis for around 12 weeks. In addition Gamblers Anonymous hold support groups for gamblers and Gam Anon provide meetings for family members/friends. You can use these links to look for local meetings: http://gamblersanonymous.org.uk/ and http://gamanon.org.uk/

I hope this helps to give you an idea of where to start. You are also very welcome to speak to an adviser about this on the helpline: 0808 8020 133 or netline: http://www.gamcare.org.uk/support-and-counselling/frontline-services/netline#.Vp-Ghi1FCIY Both services are open daily from 8am-midnight.

I wish you and your husband all the best.

Laura

Thanks guys - some really useful advice.

Hi, Shanlea,

Been there, it's horrible.

In terms of advice, I can only echo what HL and Forum Admin have already said. If you look at other posts such as Mer80, she's in a similar position.

What's noticeable about your post is that he's got the problem, he's dropped a bombshell on you but you still seem to feel obliged to bear the burden. Even if you do, quite understandably, also feel nauseous. I recommend that you pass the burden back, firmly, to him, where it belongs. Active CGs are extremely manipulative, do not let yourself be persuaded to take responsibility for this. Offer support if you are prepared to do so (you're not obliged to) but don't take on the whole problem, don't be persuaded that it's down to you to sort everything out. He should take all steps necessary to show you and keep showing you what he is doing to address his addiction and his debt. CGs are no good with money but the phone calls to Step Change or creditors should be made by him under your supervision. Don't think that it's your job to prop him up or to clear up the mess.

Separate your finances, take legal advice if you need it and protect yourself financially as far as you can. Do not bail him out.

Look after yourself,

CW

Hi Shanlea

I could have wrote your post. I too have just found out my husband has been living a double life for over five years and accumilated in excess of £80,000 in loans. I am devasted and at a loss what to do.

I have however (which I never thought I would), and thats get advice from the helpline and as a result I attended my first counselling session today. Its too early to say if its helped but a lovely lady has agreed to meet with me on a weekly basis.

If I am honest, I dont see a future in my marraige as I cant get over the deceit and hurt I am feeling. I'm sorry I cant offer you any further advice at the moment, but I wanted to let you know you are not alone.

Take care of you through this xx

Thanks for your post PB. I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling to get over the lies. I suppose each of us are different , and each situation unique. My husband is a truly wonderful man and he is desperate to get help for this. I've taken on board the comments on here and appreciate that in the now he's very sorry but how long will his will-power last. It's a disease he has and he needs professional help to help him to recover - and as long as he's willing to try to get that help then we'll be good. I feel like he's made a really positive step in coming clean - he told me I didn't find out. At the moment he's scared and is wondering how he'll fill the void left by the gambling - I'm hoping the counselling will help with that. One step at a time for us all I suppose.