Boyfriend addicted to gambling.

Hello Lauren97

Welcome to the Forum and well done for reaching out.  You have made such a positive step and I'm sure you will get a lot of support from other members here.

Problem gambling has a detrimental impact on loved ones and it is very difficult not to try and help.  However, you need to protect yourself and be very careful that you don't become an enabler or rescuer.  Please have a look at Gam-Anon www.gamanon.org.uk this is a Fellowship for those who are affected by a loved ones gambling. Along with this, we have Advisers available 24/7 to help you through this.  You can contact an Advisor by calling our Helpline on 0800 8020 133 or using our LiveChat option. I encourage you to contact us so we can discuss the best way forward for you.

In the meantime, please take care of yourself and know that you are not alone.

Best

Amanda

Forum Admin

Hi Lauren, 

I am the same age as your boyfriend and at least he has had the courage to tell you as I have not had the courage to tell my girlfriend. I am a problem gambler, no doubt in my mind. I think about gambling everyday. It is a severe addiction. The honest route here is to firstly, stop lending him money. Just so that cuts off any financial issues he may have in the future. If he has no access to money then he has no access to gambling. 

Are you sure he only has the one bank account? 

I have four, and gamble with all of them. Truth is he needs to beat this addiction before you think about any of that, because make no mistake, He does love you I am sure. I would die for my girlfriend, but I cant shake the gambling habit, and that makes buying a house, marriage stuff like that all really tough if you still have the addiction. I am fighting mine from now. I need to. I don't want to lose my girlfriend and life we are starting to build. 

Be firmer with him if you can. If it does seem like he is never going to change, leaving him is a harsh call, but might also be a wake up call for him.

Hey darkcreed10, 

Thank you for replying to me, I’ve just read your story and it’s very similar to my boyfriend. He started of gambling when his nan and grandad would take him the races. It’s given me a lot of comfort knowing that you love your girlfriend so much but still can’t stop because I would always have doubt that if he really loved me he would stop for me. But I know it’s not as simple as that. 
He does only have one bank account for sure. He always ends up telling me he’s messed up eventually but he does try to hide it. My advice would be to be honest with your family and girlfriend as my boyfriend says he always feels better once he’s told me what he’s done. 

Hi Lauren I remember saying to my girlfriend to leave me if I started to gamble again when I got back from Germany last October, I told her the other week I started again about 2 weeks ago for a brief weekend I was in tears at the time!. She stuck by me and it’s been hard on are relationship but what was great about still being together is I have some thing to fight for and be with her and move forward with her too.

my wake up call was when I won a large sum of money back in 2016 and gave the majority of it to my father and it got to the point I kept asking for money off my dad that I realised I had a serious gambling problem.

the best move I made after this was searching for a physical GA meeting which helped me so much in the right direction on my journey and a person I met at the meeting got me to go on a blind date to meet a manager of his which in turn turned out to be my girlfriend now! 

in regards to your boyfriend he needs a shock moment to realise the damage unfolding around him, some times it’s not winning a large some of money and loosing it, but some times putting that foot in the door of a physical meeting can be truly powerful and gives him perspective of his life as he meets and learning experiences from others.

I hope you keep us posted

dave101

Hi Lauren97 and Welcome to the forum.

I'm afraid the alarm clock must now go off and keep ringing.

You can not be a shrinking violet about this and he needs reality checks. You have given him enough chances already and you must now seriously consider your future.

The trusted advice is that you must look after yourself first. Stay living apart and do not lend him one more penny of your money. 

Is this the relationship you really want? You can even bill him for the money you have wasted as its a strong reality check he needs...you may well never see your money again but you have to tell him that his gambling  is not acceptable to you.

He sounds like a heavy addict and addicts naturally use people. Im not saying he is inherently bad and I dont know him. However its basic stuff that he should have seen you as more important in his life...certainly important enough to get help to heal himself and stop gambling

I dont know your relationship but he may well not be the person for you. You can only help him when you are strong and protected.

However if he is not ready helping him will make you ill so BEWARE! You may already need counselling and have to talk to your friends and family for comfort.

The decisions are yours. You cant stop his addiction if he is not ready for a born again moment. Take care of yourself

Best wishes from everyone on the forum

I'm the compulsive gambler, I would not choose to stay with someone like me.  My wife has purely because of her faith and our children. It's taken a significant toll and to be frank I've completely changed the lives of at least 6 people. I've done that to them, they've had no choice in it.

One the people closest to me was brutal, probably the one that could of helped financially. She refused to and gave me a  cheap tent in case I needed to leave the family home and sleep on a beach. She gave me the most basic mobile phone with £10 credit and saved the numbers for the Samaritans and Gamcare.

Then told me I had to accept the consequences of my choices.

Brutal, I was hurt, very hurt.

It saved my life.

Hi Lauren I am sorry to read you are going through this. You sound incredibly supportive and you are trying your best but from someone who is a lot further down the road i.e married and a young child, please take my advice and get out while you can! You are young, you have your whole life ahead of you. I'm not saying your boyfriend is not capable of stopping because of course people do and that's brilliant but in reality, it will always be part of who he is! My husband is a gambling addict and I have known that since I was 19! I'm now 35 and at the point of divorce over it. There is zero trust left. The lies, excuses, any reason to gamble. Please do not end up like me! You deserve so much better! It's so much harder to get out, the further along you are. Take care x 

I think you need to read back your post, he has gambled all throughout the relationship, he knows he has a problem as he self excluded but still bets, he owes you money but never pays you back, you surely deserve better than this treatment and yet you want to move in with him? 

He clearly needs help but you cannot help him, he can only help himself. 

Posted by: Lauren97

Hey, I’m new to this group and I’m after some advice on my boyfriends gambling addiction. My boyfriend is 29 and I’m 24. I’ve been with him 4 and half years and he’s gambled the entire relationship. He’s self excluded online and from bookies however he continues to go in them as staff members do not recognise him with the masks. I’ve tried to help him by having his online banking on my phone and managing his money for him but he always finds a way of getting money. I always have to lend him money and he still hasn’t paid me back. I’ve ran out of options to help him. I really want to take the next step in our relationship and move in together but I know that’s not going to happen with how he is but I’m also scared that the more chances I give him to change the more time I’m wasting of my own life hoping for him to change and then I’ll end up missing out on life such as kids and marriage as I’ve already had to miss out on a lot such as holidays. Thank you for any advice. 

Hi Lauren, 

My boyfriend also is addicted to gambling so it would seem. But I don’t know how to openly speak to him about it? I’ve just really began to notice it as we had made an account in my name to allow my mum to bet one day on the grand National. This was all I wanted it to be used for. Then it should’ve been shut down after it. My mum never bets. Nor do I. So I got my boyfriend to help do it, I had no idea how much he really did it at the time otherwise I would’ve never done it (we only met in January). I closed the account down today after noticing how much was coming from my account since it’s linked to my bank. He has been putting his own money into my bank, then using it for betting. I first noticed it last month when just under £500 was pending to come out. I confronted him about it and he told me he’d stop it. I have been checking for this month since it’s just been payday for us and noticed that £400 is now pending. I’ve said to him I’m worried about him and only want to help but got no response. I know he also has his own account, but I don’t know how many sites he uses. He also uses his mums account as well so god know how much money is really coming out if I can only see one. He plays Blackjack a lot on his and his phone is literally glued to his hand. Even when he goes for a shower, he has videos playing of people recording themselves playing betting games and how they do it. It never stops. What should I do? I want to openly speak to him about it but I don’t know how to...