Hi everyone, *Post edited*
P.S.A: Just a heads up I am not from the UK but from the US and just found this site really helpful..
I'm on this forum because my boyfriend (now ex) of almost 7 years has broken up with me blaming me for my negativity and insecurities in our relationship...but I feel that I can't be fully the one to be blamed. I'm 29 turning 30 and he is 27 years old.
I didn't realize he had a gambling addiction until 2 years into our relationship he was introduced to online sports betting and got hooked. I thought it was just a phase but it turned out to be much more. I knew this was a red flag but he was not like my other ex boyfriends, he was patient, kind, loving and supportive which is why I gave the relationship a chance. Months go by and he's gambling his finances away. From a couple hundred dollars to a few thousand dollars a week - he had to sell his possession (car/bike) and took out a loan to try to pay his debt. He would work and work only for his hard earned money to go straight to bookies that he owed. At one point I thought that he would stop but even though his paychecks would go straight to the bookies...he would still gamble. He went from a responsbile person who had a good job, had his finances right to the total opposite where barely made ends meet and messed up his credit.
4 years into our relationship I brought up the idea of moving to another state so that I can finish my graduate degree and we can start a new chapter in our lives. He was for it and said he was over gambling. But before our move he accumulated more gambling debt that I took out a loan under my name to help him pay it off (BIG MISTAKE). I did it at the time because I loved and cared about him and didn't know I was just enabling his compulsive gambling behavior in the long run. He would still be very good at paying his loan back on time because he knew my financial situation too.
Fast forward to our move, we were doing so good (no gambling) for a year until he found just one person to get his connect. And it takes just one connect for a gambling addict to start again. I started becoming more stressed (financially/emotionally), anxieties off the roof and insecure (through my own past relationships/baggage). Although he didn't do anything to break my trust - somehow I still felt that insecurity present in our relationship. I remember crying to him feeling betrayed that I helped him try to end his gambling with the loan and even offerred for him to get help through Gam Anon. At first he was in denial and didn't want any help until another set back made him seek help. His friend sent him money in hopes for him to purchase something for him in return but instead used it to gamble. I found out because his friend tried to get a hold of him and eventually tried to reach out to me because he was dodging his calls. That was when I found out and I cried. He then admited he needs to get help. I thought it was my answered prayer. He attended only 2-3 sessions and never went back saying he can control it.
After that my hopes for marriage, family and future started to fade but I loved him so much and invested so many years in our relationship I didn't want to give up so easily. So I stuck around numb to it. When we're happy we're super happy but when we argue (big or small) we didn't know how to communicate and fix our conflicts. He would get closed off and I would just shut down because I didn't want to make him even more angrier. And I think from there we started to just resent each other.
Last summer his good childhood friend decided to move out with us to "get away and start a new life". I was indecisive because he didn't have a plan. He moved out anyway within 2 weeks and I found out he was escaping from his past demons as well (he was a drug addict - stole money from people, etc.) I was so negative and resentful towards him with his decision to move. He moved out of our place and was able to get his own with the help of his family financially supporting him. My ex boyfriend even provided a job at his work place. Everything was easily handed to him. I couldn't trust him and still kept my walls guarded whenever they would hang out. And I admit I was negative whenever they would hang out with each other because I knew he was just a bad influence.
A few months past and my ex and I got into a few small arguments consecutively in the span of 4 days that one day he said he had nothing to say to me and that I'm just a negative person. He wanted space which I obliged. He started hanging out with his good friend more and going out, drinking and also smoking weed everyday. He became cold and distant and basically checked out I was still going out of my way to help him, was responsible and paid for our rent/utilities on time while he paid me whenever he had the money. Not realizing that he prioritized his gambling habits instead of paying for our rent/utilities on time but still I took all the responsibilities and enabled and catered to him and he still broke up with me.
I also feel that his good friend had played a part in influencing his behavior. He told me he was unhappy and that its becoming "toxic" that we fight & make up and its a neverending cycle. He blamed me for our breakup and for us not working out. He got defensive and said that I shouldn't have blamed his good friend for the reason for us for not working out because I chose to isolate myself and be negative?! (Ouch). And that he will be moving out from our place before our lease ends in March and will be moving in with his good friend and other coworker (all single males with no gf's). He basically told me to find another roomate within 2 months time. I felt so lonely and hurt.
I confronted him saying that his gambling has not stopped but he was defensive saying that he can control it and it wasn't as bad as before. But I was numb to it. I knew he would be on gambling site every day. Checking forum on bets and wouldn't sleep until 3am in the morning. I remember one time he had chest pains and even took him to the ER and was told its just muscle aches. I don't know if hes stressed, depressed or just wanting to be free from any emotional attachment.
The last week I came to our place and all of them were there just laughing, drinking and not being respectful of me being there because I still lived there. It angered me and the next day I took a bag of clothes and stayed at my friends place. I've packed up all my things from our place and moved to my girlfriends place. I found it hopeful to know that I had such genuine and caring friends to help me through this time.
A few things that are in the way of me completely moving forward is the fact that we still have this lease until March AND he still owes me for his loan. He says he will still pay me every month but I can't have him in the picture while I'm trying to move one. That is just preventing me from doing so. Plus I have done everything for him, been patient, kind, understanding... I dont owe him anything. Yes, I may have been negative and had my insecurities but I knew I was working on it and still I gave and gave and he just took and took without reciprocating. He is considered an addict if he was still responsible in the sense that he did pay me his loan every month for the past few years AND paid for his share of rent, granted not on time as I usually take care of paying it on time???
I'm getting better each day.. I'd like to think. But I can't help but still feel so devasted. I know this is probably just a blessing in disguise. But how can a guy that you've spent almost 7 years almost everyday just be so cold and unloving. It breaks my heart. I keep beating myself up thinking that I am the only reason to be blamed for our relationship not working. I know it could also be our relationship problems itself but I feel that gambling still has played a huge problem/catalyst for it all... 🙁 Is this relationship not worth it? Am I deserving of much more than his attitude towards me and "us"? I just pray that he also knows how I feel and hope that someday he will see the hurt and pain that it caused me.. Someone please speak wisdom to me.. Thank you.
Get the hell out of there and don't look back. Your sanity and health is more important than anything, and I would say easily more important than that loan. It woud be nice to get that loan back, but it would not be a priority over wasting any more time and your years chasing it. Hopefully you can both separate but remain in contact for the debt. I would look into advice about personal debt/civil matters, I am not knowledgeable on those issues but keep records of him acknowledging what you owe him.
He is really far gone. Someway down the road when he is a little older nd a little wiser (usually when he has no money, and no-one to turn to), he will realise what an idiot he has been. Yes his company did not help, but he is in control of his actions.
Hi ALN & Urgh,
Thank you for your responses. You both are absolutely right though. My heart always think back of the good days before his gambling and thats probably why I envision hope. But during these past few months, heck, years of his gambling still present we were just on "autopilot". I was just settling and hoping for the day that he would see all the efforts I've done and that he would magically change for the better.
I have several options of moving in with good friends (who are good responsible people) and if that doesn't work then I will be moving back home. I'm going to make it out here as best I can because I do have a great job and believe that there is something better for me. As for the loan I can pay for it but I'll probably be struggling a tad bit to be quite honest. He says he'll still pay yet but knowing his history... he will probably pay for it for 1-2 months but I know he'll eventually stop. We're not together and he's become so cold and degenerate. I don't know how he will be able to survive living out here because now his rent will increase AND he has to pay for his other obligations? I just don't know but I shouldn't care.
Hi sadbee it's such a shame you invested so much time and energy into something so toxic. You can't fix a compulsive gambler. Yes they can pay bills etc but have massive debt and every spare penny is gambled. They blame everyone else but themselves. Breathe a sigh of relief that you are out of it. Can you draw up an agreement that both of you sign regarding the loan? Pick a time when he's calm and civil? If not I would say there may be a point where he stops paying. Don't get fixated on it, it's a mistake that you don't want to make again. The best thing for you to do is move on, look at why you were willing to put up with that? Why do you feel the need to constantly help or please? You said that he was kinder than previous boy friends. I think that is the source of your problem, not feeling worth more than this. You could find a support group coda (codependent) or Gamanon. This isn't your fault, you are worth more. We've all made mistakes, a gambler's nature is to deceive. I think the only thing keeping you there was the financial loss. Look after you, stop worrying about him. Don't go backwards. Make sure all your finances are secure.
Cu your losses and run, you’ve dived a bullet. Forget about the few year you were with him. You have your whole life ahead of you, good luck
Oh my word! You sound young, with so much hope for a happy happy life! Don't get to your old age and wish you had grabbed every chance to be happy. Listen to MGR, get yourself help, look at at how your can work on you and make your life fabulous! I have extensive experience of Drug Addicts and am new to the CG but this man does not sound ready for change. He has made it very clear that he no longer wants to be your business and not been to gracious about it either. Is this the life you want for yourself? If I were in your shoes, I would leave partners out of the mix for now and work on being the best person you can be. Financialy I don't know what help there is in the US but but reading between the lines it sounds like you can do it on your own. If you can, bite the bullet, pay it off and learn a big lesson from it. The general rule should be, if you can't afford to lose it don't loan it. I wish you well.
Merry go round wrote:
Hi sadbee it's such a shame you invested so much time and energy into something so toxic. You can't fix a compulsive gambler. Yes they can pay bills etc but have massive debt and every spare penny is gambled. They blame everyone else but themselves. Breathe a sigh of relief that you are out of it. Can you draw up an agreement that both of you sign regarding the loan? Pick a time when he's calm and civil? If not I would say there may be a point where he stops paying. Don't get fixated on it, it's a mistake that you don't want to make again. The best thing for you to do is move on, look at why you were willing to put up with that? Why do you feel the need to constantly help or please? You said that he was kinder than previous boy friends. I think that is the source of your problem, not feeling worth more than this. You could find a support group coda (codependent) or Gamanon. This isn't your fault, you are worth more. We've all made mistakes, a gambler's nature is to deceive. I think the only thing keeping you there was the financial loss. Look after you, stop worrying about him. Don't go backwards. Make sure all your finances are secure.
Hi Merry Go Round,
Thank you for your response. The more I re-read my post and read all of your responses has really got me realizing my worth. I have to admit that I am co-dependent. I lost myself so much in this relationship and failed to put myself first during my challenges in our relationship. I have avoided the red flags and waited for him to change because I really wanted a future for us. 7 years into our relationship and his gambling habits was still in the picture. I became so numb to it even though I knew he'd be on betting forums/sports forums every waking day. He works soo many hours and gamblings it all away. I don't know how I allowed myself to go through this for so long.
I am considering on seeking support from a counselor/therapist to help with my co-dependency and start living life again without the repercussions of my ex-boyfriend's gambling addiction. Our lease is not over until the end of next month. I still get worried and sad whenever I have to go back to the apartment to get a few things. Other than that, I've blocked his number but we do communicate for only purely transactional purposes (i.e. rent/loan payment duedate etc.). I just really want to sever ties but I'm sticking this out up until our lease is over.
You're right though MGR. I do have to look after myself because afterall, I am my own longest committment <3.
ALN wrote: You really need to close your mind to this. He his no longer your problem, and the best thing you can do now is pay the loan yourself and sever all ties. Please do not waste anymore time. Before you realise you'll have lost 6months, 1year, 2years or even more of your life. I hope either CW or MGR post shortly as they'll give you some good advice on codependency, it may be that you may need some professional support/counselling to put your life back in perspective. Walk away with your head held high. No longer your problem. Smile. ALN
Hi ALN,
Yes you're absolutely right. I can't be thinking about him or worrying about his whereabouts because he hasn't cared to think of me or my feelings and by the way he's been treating me for the past couple of months. I've just became so numb and tried to "dismiss/avoid" his gambling habits for so long with no sign of hope or improvement. I know that I deserve better and have been considering on seeking professional counseling/therapy to help put my life back in perspective. Thank you for your support and kind words during this difficult time in my life <3.
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