Hi,
So i have been with my boyfriend for over around 4 and a half years now. From the beginning he has had problems with gambling, specifically roulette machines.
I have helped him all i can, financially and been there for him to talk to too. But, it is getting too much and i don't know what to do. When i suggest keeping hold of his money, he calls me controlling. The other problem is, is that he has his own business, so even when he does allow me to hold the money, he takes the money from the business each day and gambles that. It has got to the point where my monthly salary is paying hus businesses bills as all my savings have already gone on it and i don't feel like i can do it anymore but i don't want to see him loose everything!
He denies having a problem, he says he just wants the money back he has lost. The trouble is, he has never walked away from a roulette machine, he has only every won money when the betting shop has closed and he has been kicked out, he always wants more! He has won over 7grand once, and thinks it is possible to do again, although it went back in the betting shop the next day because that wasnt enouogh for him as he has wasted more money than that and says he wants it all back. He even said people was going up to him asking how he got it up so high and saying they have never seen the roulette machines like that so he now believes he is able to beat them! But these people don't realise how much he put in! It is so frustrating!!
He blames me for the mess he is currently in, says i should have closed down my savigns acocunt to pay of his debts ages ago but i wouldn't do that. Instead i tried to pay off loans he had got to fund his gambling instead so he wasn't getting charged the interest. The day after i done this for him, he got the pay day loans back and wasted the money all again. I feel sick. He has loans and credit cards maxed out to tens of thousands of pounds. But, says he doesn't have a gambling problem, it is just a money problem.
He has taken my bank card and used that to gamble, which i now try to hide, he stole money from christmas cards etc to fund his gambling and i don't know what to do.
If we have had plans etc and he decides to go to the betting shop, he decides to ignore his phone and just let me worry. He could be in any betitng shop as he goes to multiple ones, wherever is closest at the time. I seen him in there once, i went in to ask him to stop and he was on 3 roulette machines at once! He said he needed to let 2 loose so that one would win big, i was begigning him to come out and the person behind the desk said she believes he has a problem she has given him a self exclusion form but he refuses to fill it in.
He was getting aggressive and loud, so i went outside, when he came out the betting shop he seen me waiting for him. He smashed things up in his tempor and blamed me for disturbing him when he was on a role. He then insisted on going back with more borrowed money 'because the machine was paying out'.
I just can't get through to him, it is like his mind is made up and i cannot alter his mindset no matter how hard it try. I know he needs help. But, he will not take any he says he is not seeing anyone unless it is to go and get all his money back.
I feel so stupid staying with him. But, i do feel sorry for him. He has lost so much money, he is starting to mention suicidal thoughts. But, there is only me who knows about this. None of his family or friends know about his addiction and he says if i tell them he will not be able to face it he will just die because he will be too embaressed and thinks i just want to make him look bad.
He has no intention of giving up, at least at the moment and you are acting as his safety net. He won't give up gambling until he wants to and for a CG that's usually when the pain of giving up is less than the pain of continuing. You can't save him, you can't fix him. Switch your focus to you and keep it there starting with drying up his access to your finances and making it clear there won't be any more bailouts. Shielding a CG from the consequences of their actions just gives them a clean slate to carry on and if you carry on as you are he will bleed you dry without blinking.
Think about what is in this relationship for you and why you are letting him treat you like this. Think too about what you want, need and deserve from a partner and going forward. An active compulsive gambler can't provide it.
what many don't understand especially other gamblers is this can be an illness. Its not always somethnig that can be stopped by a decision, but there is hope if he wants to stop and is willing to get help.
Before I was willing to get help, those around me sought similar support you are looking for. They spoke to the doctors, counsellors, researched the addiction and got support from Gam-anon amongst other places.
I hope you get some help and support dealing with this and make decisions that are best for you going forward. Tri
He Bec unfortunately you are enabling him to continue by paying his debts. Don't feel sorry for him, it's a choice. Chasing loses just leads to more debt. Call gamcare and go to a gamanon meeting. You can tell who you like, you need support too. Stop giving him money and paying his bills. It's not your fault, your money isn't his. He's an active gambler and not taking any responsibility for it. You can't reason with him, you can't stop him. Change what you do. As Lethe says why are you letting him treat you this way? Don't feel sorry for him either. Help him by not giving him money to play.
Thank you for replying.
I understand what you are all saying, and i feel like i would be saying the same if it was someone i knew in my situation. But, it is so much harder when you are actually in the situation.
I do wonder why i let him treat me the way he does, but i do believe he is a good person who has a problem. I want to be able to help him get over it etc i am just really struggling to know how.
I understand that giving him money will be feeding his addiction. But, when i see how low he is after loosing and all the debt he is in, then i can't help but want to help. It kills me seeing him like that.
What is the alternative? I cannot afford to keep giving him money, i am in my final year of university so i don't earn anywhere near as much as he does but i am working full time of an evening and weekend to try and earn as much as possible. But, he says things like without the money, he may aswell die and threatens to harm himself, if he has been in the betting shop and lost thousands he has text me a message saying like this is it, i am done etc etc and it scares me so much. He appolagises, and i believe it. But, i know deep down that nothing i ever going to change. I am so worried and i feel helpless.
I don't want to leave him. Because, i wouldn't expect him to turn his back on me if i had an ilness. But, i really don't know how much longer i can put up with this for.
It is literally so draining and i just want him to be happy and not gamble 🙁
Hi bec I have done and felt the same initially. We are all talking from experience. The best way to help him is not give him the money. If they have money they continue, they cannot stop. It's progressive so the longer it goes on the worse it gets. Find a GA meeting and see if there is gamanon too for you. Call gamcare and talk to someone asap. If you are at university you're both not very old, this isn't your responsibility and the way you're paying for everything is not realistic. He will just get into more debt. The only way to help a compulsive gambler is to not give them money. You need to also get some help and support from his family. Gambling feeds on secrets and lies. Learn about addiction. This is forever, they never get better, never cured. It can only be 'arrested'. It's no life for young people, living in debt at your age and continuing gambling is unmanageable. You can't fix him. They are masters of deceit and manipulation. Please call and talk to someone, you can't do this alone.
Hi Bec,
This sounds like you are trying to solve a problem that is not yours, by yourself. Your partner is not showing any signs that he wants to give up gambling so, it's unfair that you are carrying this burden and end up feeling responsible for the consequences of his actions. If he feels suicidal, you should encourage him to seek help. It is not your role to make this better for him. He may be in need of professional support. However, it is likely that he says those things to you in order to manipulate you into believing that giving him money will make him somehow feel better. The fact is that continuing in this manner you are both getting deeper into it. Even if you had money to spare it would not be advisable to get him out of trouble. If you want to help him you need to learn to say no and encourage him to take responsibility, even if that means watch him struggle. You may find it difficult to see how you could ever do such thing because you care so much and you can’t watch him suffer so, this is where you need help in order to develop this skill. We do provide a lot of support so, do not hesitate to get in touch with an adviser and at least talk about this and explore your options.
Wishing you all the best,
Forum Admin
Hi bec123,
I can totally understand how you feel because I'm going through something similar myself. My BF of 5 1/2 years has been gambling for a year (poker and now, sports bets) and he's lost a lot already. He hasn't stolen from me, but I have let him borrow money a few times (terrible mistake). When he lost in poker gambling he would sometimes blame me and say that he only lost because he made a compulsive decision because I stressed him out. I also feel really bad for him because he says he keeps going because he wants to get all the money he lost back. But as you may already know, neither of them will ever get it all back. Just like you, I see the problem, but the BF is still in denial and doesn't think there is a real problem, nor does he accept help. I can totally relate to the frustration and pain that you are feeling because I feel that too. I wish I could give you some magic words you could say and make it all end, but I don't know what they are and if I did, I would use them too. The only thing I can do is wish you all the best and let you know that just like you, there are many people like myself dealing with the same thing, so you don't feel so alone.
All the best.
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