I have been with my boyfriend for 3 and a half years and he has always gambled since we got together until about a year and a half ago when he finally admitted he had a problem.
However before admitting what he had done, he had racked up a lot of debt with work friends as he was constantly chasing his losses. A year and a half ago he finally decided enough was enough confessed to his parents.. his mum has full control of his bank accounts, pays his debts for him via his bank account and he is self excluded from all apps. He was doing so well until about two weeks ago when he was on a night out with his friends and used my bank card (£300) when he was very drunk in a casino! I was furious and he said to me he was planning on spending the £300 and fighted against temptation and he gave me the £300 back. What I didn’t know is, he lent the £300 off his friend to pay me the money. He then made another stupid decision and lent another £500 off his friend to replace the £300 he originally borrowed. He confessed to me what he has done and he now owed his friend £800. This will be paid at the end of the month by not paying his parents this months payment. The trust has been broken again, he has signed up to a scheme to stop him from entering casinos but I would love some advice from someone who has been through a similar situation or is going through this.
Hi whippet if you really want to know how others feel the best place is a Gamanon meeting. How was he out and used your card? Was it premeditated? You have to have limits of what you're willing to put up with. You have to be vigilant and certainly make sure they can't get at your money and cards. This is a lifelong addiction, it doesn't go away. A compulsive gambler may have many 'slips' if they are not 100% committed. Gambling doesn't mean they are bad people, it changes them. You can't fix them, they have to do it for themselves. A night at the casino may have reignited the flame and desire. They are masters of manipulation, compulsive liars, addicts. The point here is not what we think and have experienced, it's about how you feel. My limits are different from yours.
Hi merry go round, no it was not premeditated, he doesn’t have a bank account and had money transferred to my account but we did not have time to draw it out, he hadn’t gambled for over a year and a half so didn’t even think he would use it for any other reason.
My limits have been tested and I am at the point where if he does it again enough is enough.
So he knows your bank details?
He knows my pin yes, but this has never been an issue before
Hi whippet! I'm sure gambling was never as issue when a compulsive gambler begins. Small bets, small loss but it soon becomes an issue when it goes beyond occasionally. The same with your bank details, it's not an issue until he uses it for something you don't want him to. I am the same as you. We all let our guard down. This is forever, there is always something that can trigger them and off they go. You have to safeguard you and your money. If you said 'not again' 'last chance' you have to mean it. So change everything cards and pin, they can memorise them or write them down. Don't do it again. You can't trust, no matter how much you want to, especially regarding money. As for the friend and his parents, they should be told. Make sure his friend doesn't lend the money again. No bailouts, no more lies. Willpower is not enough, it's a difficult addiction and support from others is often very beneficial. Get help for you. Try and change the way you do things and the way you react, too much help leads to lack of responsibility. This is his mess. He has to see there are consequences.
I definitely let my guard down in trusting him, my pin will be changed and he won’t have access to it anymore. I am definitely going to change the way I react, it’s a sad situation but I feel now if it does happen again I am strong enough to walk away.
Whip94 wrote:
He knows my pin yes, but this has never been an issue before
Change the pin....NOW.
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