I found out 3 days ago that my boyfriend is a heavy gambler (cards and horses) and has nearly £200000 of debt, £120000 to bad people, who charge him high interest and everytime he goes to make a repayment (at £5000) they entice him to play cards, and he comes out with £7000 more debt. He is a successful businessman and a director of the company he works for. He now has to sell his house to pay his debt, but I’m scared he won’t manage to pay it. When I first found out 3 days ago, I was relieved there wasn’t someone else. But it quickly became clear how big the problem was. We can’t see each other often, as he lives 2 hours away, but he choses gambling over seeing me. He feels he has no choice as he wants to win the money back. The money lenders control him. This weekend we were supposed to meet but suddenly he now has to organise a card party for these people. Initially he was going to let me come but he told me I’d have to lie about who I am and what I do. I don’t lie. Anyway. We’ve now split up. He told me he needs time to sort himself out. He means the debt, not the gambling. He says it’s not fair for me to be around this, and those people, and he’s worried I’ll say or do something to put me in danger.. He has completely shut me out, and won’t accept any help. He won’t go on here, or report the loan sharks. I’m very worried about what they’ll do to him. This could go on for a while, as he still has access to money. I’m the only one he has ever told. He doesn’t want his family to know and I’ve never met them. I don’t know who the money lenders are. I don’t know if they’re cheating him at cards. I can’t report it to anyone as I don’t know who these people are. I feel I need to do something but I don’t know what. I think he loves me and has finished things to protect me, but I want to do the right thing to help him. I’m scared he’ll kill himself, not right now, but when he really loses everything.
Hi Sophia I did a bit of research this week to find out what you can do about loan sharks. Call stepchange 0300 555 2222. Get some support. Also try posting in family and friends section. You will get more help. You can't stop him but you can get help and find out what resources are out there. Call gamcare too.
I have spoken to them on the number you gave. . Because he won’t give me any details about the loansharks, they can’t do anything. I’ve given him the links, but he won’t accept any help.
He has a choice and he's choosing gambling over you. He doesn't want to stop and there's nothing you can do to make him. He's done the right and fair thing in keeping you out of whatever he's mixed up in. Have a think about what you want need and deserve from a partner. A gambler who won't give up can't provide it.
Lethe, what is the point of your remark? We have split up. You comment only seems to be rubbing it in. I don’t need that right now. I’m not after relationship advice.
Hi Sophia I've just read your thread and what an awful situation your ex boyfriend is in it must be devastating for you too want to help but him not accepting your help I'm sorry I can't offer you any advice as you sound so desperate to help him I really hope it all works out for you both and this can be resolved
Thank you Hardly27. I love him and I’d do anything for him. But I can’t fix him. He sent me a really sweet text today, saying he knows things need to be sorted out and it’s up to him to do it. He said he’d taken the first step to acknowledging there is a problem. I’ll support him any way I can (aside from financially) but I need to step away because he needs that space and I can’t risk being dragged down with him. My job does not allow me to associate with the type of people he currently hangs out with. All I can do is hope that he’ll see the light. But meanwhile he is still meeting with these people tomorrow, and be even more in debt by the end of the day.
I don't really know what kind of comments you're expecting when you seem to be intent on maintaining a relationship in some form or another but you posted and I took the time to give a response. I won't waste your time again.
Hello Sophia
It sounds like you're in an impossible situation, desparately wanting to help your ex and not being able to. I know you said Stepchange couldn't help but maybe the Loan Shark hotline might be able to? http://www.stoploansharks.co.uk/.
If your ex decides that he would like to get support for his gambling, we can offer confidential 1:1 support through our HelpLine on 0808 8020 133 and our NetLine. We can also offer free 1:1 counselling. You're also welcome to use our services including our counselling. You might also find it helpful to visit a GamAnon group for friends and families of gamblers.
In the meantime I hope you find it helpful to keep using the forum.
Best wishes
Deirdre
Forum Admin
PS I hope you don't mind, I moved your post to the 'Family and Friends' section - the 'debates and discussions' section is really for discussion of general gambling topics as opposed to specific individual situations like yours.
Hi Sophia, my advice to you would be to seat down with him and really go through everything. If he cares for you and have any decency he should at least tell you the truth. It’s not very clear to me in what he put himself into , gamblers can be the best liars and you do need to really get into him for any help to take place . He needs to really take the initiative and look for help for this terrible disease . On the hand if you think his life is really in danger , I wouldn’t hesitate in contact his family as they maybe be able to convince him to come clear about the situation and put some plan in place. We all need help at some point in our lives,even when we say no because of pride of blindness. If he is gambler he is sick and needs and that’s the end of . It’s up to him to realise it and look for help . I wish you all the best . Sorry I can’t help more
Hi Sophia. So my situation is a bit different as the person who got me into debt who is a gambler used to say that he owed money to dodgy people. I don't know if it was true but he would get me to help him out and he would say he was going to get beaten up etc. It couldve been all lies as a gambler will say anything to get money. I've been dragged down by it all and now im in debt and I've been affected by it massively. Don't get in a situation where it'll drag you down. Hope you manage to get it dealt with.x
We are available 24 hours a day, every day of the year. You can also contact us for free on 0808 80 20 133. If you would like to find out more about the service before you start, including information on confidentiality, please click below. Call recordings and chat transcripts are saved for 28 days for quality assurance.
