Hi all, needing some advice on how to help my boyfriend.
I've been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years. 6 months into the relationship I found out he had a debt he was paying off and he vaguely talked about it coming from when he was made redundant about a year before. He had also mentioned about a habit of his of gambling when he had had a few drinks but he didn't see it as a problem and I didn't think it sounded like one either but nonetheless I told him it would be better to not do it seeing as things were already tight for him with his existing debt. After that I only asked him about it 3 months later to which he said he hadn't and that was that. But something at the back of my mind was niggling away at me especially when in January he mentioned having lent money off family. Fast forward to the April and I discover screenshots of his winnings and they all had dates on them and it became apparent he had been gambling frequently all that time. I confronted him about it and I found out he had accumulated more debt for himself. I was deeply hurt by the fact he had been lying to me and it really shattered my hopes of us moving in together that year and I was struggling to see a future for us. Despite the shock I did want to stand by him and help him as I knew myself what it was like to have an addiction and I wanted to give him a chance to prove to me he'd get help and could show me that he wasn't gonna let it control him. He got help through here and over the next few months he went to counselling and was open and honest about how he was doing with the debt. This Nov/Dec just gone he was finally debt free and now has a better paid job nearer home so has more dispensable income. I knew it would be a test for him but I felt I could trust that he would stay strong.
Now just this weekend, after spending a great time together in London, we went to a NYE party. He was quite drunk and when we went to bed he was on his phone for hours. He was tilting the screen away from me and kept forcefully nudging me to turn over so my back was facing him. This was very unusual especially as whenever I opened my eyes he'd either lock his phone so screen went off or hold his phone away from me so I couldn't see the screen. I was really suspicious so the next morning I confronted him about it and after initially trying to brush me off with "it was just the game I always play" he realised that it wasn't washing with me and he admitted that he had slipped up. He said it was the first and only time he had slipped up since I found out the whole truth about his gambling back in April.
I really wanna believe that it is the only time but my trust in him has taken a knock again. It really hurts that he spent £80 on that session and yet in all our relationship it's been me paying for a lot of things we do together (including a holiday abroad). And it also hurt that he did it right under my nose and thought I wouldn't notice.
Any advice on how to best help him or even me deal with this?
Given his history of lies and deceit it's highly unlikely it's the only time. He doesn't want to give up and he doesn't have to face the consequences of not doing so all the time you're paying.
You can't fix him, save him, help him or even reason with him unless and until he's ready to stop. You can't influence his choices but you can decide how you want things to be for you. Think about what you want need and deserve from him or any partner and how you want your life to be. Life with an active gambler is hell and unaddressed it's a progressive addiction. If he won't give up all you're in for is more of the same.
Hi OEA someone came here a couple of weeks ago and said everyone was very negative. So if you were my daughter (this is what I've told my daughter) I would want to know/see a few things. If a partner has nothing to hide they will do what you ask. 100% openness about finances. If you are entering a flat share together someone is responsible for paying, therefore you want to see their history. Meet the family. No joint accounts. If they can't pay their share, don't do it. Find out why. If they are secretive be on your guard. I always told my husband gambling was a mugs game. This made him secretive, he might tell me about football bets but not about other things that were far bigger. I went to counselling a year ago. My counsellor felt that after time a compulsive gambler should be able to control their money and gambling. In my opinion they are clueless. They may be able to handle money but they should not gamble. If you are wanting to continue this relationship you need to ask yourself what are you going to do to safeguard yourself and to learn how to continue with no financial connection? You need to learn about denial, enabling and detachment. I don't believe you have to end a relationship but you do have to be aware of what you're dealing with. If he has a gambling problem that he admits to, he was willing to go to counselling, why doesn't he go to GA? Find a gamanon meeting and go and meet others who have lived with a compulsive gambler, or whose son/daughter is a cg. Find out all you can. It's an emotional illness, gambling becomes their 'go to' when things go wrong, stress, habit. Just like going in the pub, but unfortunately there's far more at risk with gambling. It affects mental health, his and yours. It destroys relationships, they become consumed, every waking moment is thinking about gambling. How to hide it, move money, beg, borrow and steal. You will think we're not talking about your partner, he's not that bad, he wouldn't do that, it's only once, etc. That is what happens if he continues. That is what happens when you don't see where this is leading. This is insight into what could happen. Ultimately the decision is yours. Make an informed choice. Make rules. If he's the love of your life, help him and yourself. Get counselling for you, find a gamanon meeting. Do some real thinking. Don't ignore it, don't think it will go away, don't think willpower works. You have to see proof. GA, gamstop, no apps on phones, credit scores. This is forever. Trust yourself, you were right to be suspicious.
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