Hi,
My elder brother aged 48 years has been the darling of the family. He is smart, flamboyant, give away gifts to all in the family, help everyone with money etc. This has been his style for years. He keeps travelling to Manila in Philipines for business for several years. He would go every 2 months, stay there for 2-3 weeks and come back after completing his 'projects'. He is based out of India. I am in UK. 3 months back he went to Manila for usual business. However he kept delaying his return which was originally for 3 weeks only. Meanwhile our mother became very sick and he didnt come as he was 'stuck' in a business situation. Later he said that his money is stuck and if he leaves, it will not be recovered. He kept saying this for days and weeks, till it became 3 months. Last week he confirmed he is boarding flight and never came to India. Family went into a panic and we started to reach out to friends, hotels etc. Eventually I found him in one of the hotels after a day. He was crying hysterically and said he has lost it all and he has nothing and that he is broken and tried to harm himself and failed. All due to failed business ventures and losses. I talked to him for hours and brought him out of the situation. Family started to talk to him and he got better in a day. Then i prodded him as to what happened etc. He confided in me, asking me not to tell anyone else, his wife included, that he had borrowed money from people in Philipines, who have kept his passport and he needs around GBP15,000 to get his passport back. I promised to help him. Meanwhile I was already thinking this may be a gambling problem. I pushed his friends and eventually a couple of them told me that he has been gambling for 10 odd years and his whole business etc is nothing but gambling. I did not confront him for a couple of days and kept telling him as i trying to arrange funds. In teh last few weeks he has borrowed several thousand pounds worth of money from everyone in the family, and nobody told anyone else till recently. He is the kind of the guy who would spend thousands of pounds to help everyone and so everyone stretched and sent him money as he asked. 2 days back I disclosed that i know about his gambiing problem. He kept denying. Then he became very angry and sarcastic and shouted at me that i misled him etc. Since then I offered to travel to Manila with money so that i can give it with my own hands to the money lender and recover his passport. He vehemently opposed this giving me all sorts of excuses. I gave him more options like involving EMbassy, or a third party whom I know who can broke a deal etc. He has been pushing back all such options and just wants money to be trasnferred to his account. He also says that he hasn't eaten proper food and needs to pay to hotel etc. which is a fact too, since he is actually staying in a hotel. I have transferred amounts like GBP 50 or so for his food , medicines etc. I have doubts that he might be playing poker or similar, but then with such little money what can one play. Anyways, the whole discussion and negotiation has been on sending him those GBP 15K. I have been saying I will use a medium, or you spread the risk (take 2K from me, 2 K from your wife etc) or let me speak to the money lender...........but he is pushing back on all these options.
My questions are - 1. He has been such a great guy. He goes to Manila for a coupel of weeks every 2 months or so, so he is not addicted, otherwise, he would feel withdrawl symptoms when he is in India and not gambling. Can he really be such an addict even when he takes these long breaks? 2. Can gamblers harm themselves if they get cornered? 3. Should I harden my heart and not send him any money and hope he will get over it and return? 4. Is he looking at more money to play one final big hand.....and in that anticipation he is willing to live in a room for weeks and damage everything he has earned in his life so far? Can this really happen to someone....to just play one final hand?
Please if readres can share their experience and advice. Thanks a lot
He has been using all angles with me - emotional, threat etc. I hate to see him in this condition. He recounts how he has been supporting me all his life in my hour of need. How much he has done for the family etc. I think that by not sending him money I am helping him in a way when i read material on internet. But then a part tells me, what if he is in a genuine problem and iam not helping him. WHat if he harms himself.....how will i live then with this regret. I am torn apart. GBP 15K is a huge amount for me and I will be risking my own family's future to an extent...........but i am willing to do that if i am sure it is the right thing to do. I have been chatting and talking with him every day for 4-6 hours for the last 5 days. Dont know what is the right thing to do. SHould i take pull out all my life's savings and bail him out!
Sorry to hear of your dilemma...maybe best to ring gamcare for some advice love x
I think that by asking what you should do , you feel something is not quite right ?
My advice for what it's worth is if you want to send him the money then do so but on your terms , your not saying that you won't lend him the money, so your fullfiling any family obligation you feel under but if he's not prepared to allow you to oversee the deal then just back out , you have to look out for yourself and your family , so it's your way or no way ?
I wish you well ..
Hi,
I would advise a thorough reading of this part of the forum so as to get a better understanding of the behaviour of an active CG. Manipulation is a key feature, an active CG will have you questioning whether left is left and right is right. The more confused the family are, the easier it is for the gambling to continue.
First time round, I thought that I might be misjudging my husband despite some clear indicators to the contrary. He was indeed gambling and I would have been far better off to have relied upon my own instincts and common sense.
Send your brother your life's savings if you must but don't expect to see any of it back. He may pay off his debts but he's more likely to gamble it away in a futile bid to win more. A CG can't win because they can't stop. And once your life savings have gone, what will you bail him out with next time? Loans in your name?
If you want to bring him home, make your help in the form of a ticket in his name. No passport? He should try the embassy. Beware of him misleading you or exaggerating his situation.
In the real world (outside addiction), it isn't normal or appropriate to threaten self harm to get what you want. That behaviour in itself indicates a problem. He may well be desperate and it may well be a real threat, but you can't know. The problem for you is that giving in this time prolongs the agony because it leads to next time. And the time after that, until the cycle is broken. Money comes and money goes, but life is precious, no one wants to see him take a permanent solution to a temporary problem. He has persuaded you that if he does self harm, it will be your fault but that's a fallacy. His present situation is a consequence of his own actions, it's nothing to do with you. And how physically are you supposed to control what he does? Pass the responsibility for him back to him and point him in the direction of sources of help eg Doctor, Samaritans.
Get accurate help and support for you. Read the forum, call the helpline, try GamAnon, tell RL friends.
Take care,
CW
Hi
My son told me when he killed himself it would be might fault, you can imagine what that did to me, hes said it to me several times now.
Its not true and neither is what your brother is saying to you, that "it will be your fault", it as as has already been said manipulation, in its cruelest form but manipulation all the same. A compulsive gambler will do everything necessary to get what they want, do not underestimate how low they can stoop, which includes emotional black mail, saying such a thing will scare you and thats what hes hoping for.
The fact that you are questioning yourself says enough, he'll have you doubting yourself and will use emotional black mail. You say hes been very generous with familiy in the past but that doesnt mean you should give him your life savings. If you give him your savings you wont get any of it back, and he'll be back for more when that runs out.
If you feel you have to help him buy him a ticket home and tell him to go to the embassy to get help with his passport. If he genuinely is in trouble he would be grateful for that and if he says otherwise and still insists on the money then Im sorry to say hes lying.
Thank you so much all of you for your advice. it has been extremely encouraging. Well, when i confronted him, he used all sorts of tactics....threat, emotion etc. I cornered him into that i will support but on my terms. He backed off. Then he started to emotionally connect with my mom and sister. EVentually it boiled down to a stage where my mom and sister are asking me to help and give him one chance or benefit of doubt. So, i have been badly sandwitched and if anything goes wrong, i would be the one taking blame. I know, to a sane mind what my stand was, was the right thing to do. But you give in under pressure, especially when the episode is for the first time. So, i want to get over with this and move on. I am willing to now gamble my own money............whether he uses to genuinly get his issues sorted, or play more, at the moment i dont care. i would have done my bit. I have told the family that this is the first and the last time iam doing this and if he comes up with further excuses or stories to continue his stay in manila or needs or more money, i may be counted out. I hope and pray that with this the matter is settled and he returns. I will keep you all posted.......
Divide and rule is a classic gambler's ploy. A united front from the other family members based on accurate information about gambling and addiction is the way to go next time.
Look after you.
CW
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