Can't pay the bills

Prioritise the bills - Council tax and rent/mortgage are the non negotiables. He can do the worrying over his own bills and the charges they incur. Get the joint account under your own control, likewise the savings. Change passwords, PINS immediately so he can't access them. Tell his parents and anyone else you feel can support you. He's lost the right to call the shots and at the very least it dries up a further source of potential gambling funds.You need support for yourself too.

Threats to live on the streets are manipulation. If he does take off (mine did for several days without warning and without a word in communication while he was gone) so be it. It may sound harsh but CG's very often lose the connection between action and consequence. Bailing them out doesn't help them make it. Put yourself, the roof over your head and your own interests first.

Hi Lethe

Thank you. It’s so hard to imagine allowing him to suffer but you’re right. I need to prioritise and worry about myself first. I keep telling him he got himself in this situation he needs to deal with the consequences. I still think deep down he knows he can rely on me so it’s just staying strong and making sure I don’t give in. I guess I’m just worried that by him not making his payments will only result in his credit score getting worse than it is and is only going to effect our future. Then again I suppose I can never trust having a mortgage with him anyway.

Hi reezie you've got it, you can't trust him. There may be more debt you don't know about. The worse his credit rating in some ways, the better. He won't be able to get loans to gamble. As Lethe said important bills are a must. His phone? Might be better not having it if that's what he uses to gamble. Don't keep it secret, gambling feeds on secrets and lies. Get help and support for you. Call gamcare, get to a gamanon meeting. Keep posting and asking questions. Get credit reports if you think more debt. Safeguard your money. Don't be ashamed it's his problem. No more bailouts otherwise he will never learn. It's his debt not yours. They love the pity game, want you to worry, beg them to come back. I can't count the times my husbands said he's leaving, he's never even packed a bag. Stay strong!

I’ve just sat here and worked out all my money. I could help him out and would have been close to doing so if it wasn’t for the support on here. I hate that he is able to make me feel like this. The issue is he doesn’t even have any money to buy petrol to get to work. So he’s going to get something out of me at least! I’m sure the threat to not come home is just that although it’s a horrible thought to think he can manipulate me like that. Really appreciating the support. X

Compulsive gambling can be an addiction depending on how progressively ill a person is. All i'm saying is its not necessarily as black and white as it may seem. That being said, partners and friends of compulsive gamblers have my continuing empathy as its generally the family and friends who have to watch and experience the person going through the illness.

My family researched a lot into gambling addiction and to this day its a part of our deal that I attend GA meetings, continue to have counselling from time to time and communicate in a non judgmental enviroment to keep things on the right track.

Wishing you all the best and if he wants help, there is hope.

tri

Thanks Tri I’m glad to hear there is hope. I will definitely need to look at making similar deals with my partner to help us both. He’s made an appointment with his doctor which is the first step.

Hi Reezie .

I'm on the other side of the fence as a Recovering Compulsive Gambler although I've not gambled for over 2 yrs now .

Youv'e had some great advice from the Fand f's above and from a Gamblers point of view I'd totally agree with it all , be very carefull of the " Poor me " attitude that he's portraying regarding living on the streets , we'll do anything we can to " Win you back on side " so that you'll feel sorry for us , unless of course he's prepared to show you what action he's doing to address this addiction and gives you total transparency with everything you question ? ............... Don't bail him out anymore either as it will just give him the green light to wipe his debt away and carry on regardless as will you being happy with him when he presents you with his winning's ? This is not your fault but showing him that it's ok to gamble as long as he wins and provides will send a really mixed signal , it's not real money anyway as far as he's concerned it's just Gambling tokens to us and gives the ability to stay in action and usually just borrowed as we alway's end up giving it back plus a lot more besides , he actually probably resent's giving you any of it anyway because it's less for him to spend but like myself it's unfortunately just " Hush money " . We can be very good at the art of deception and manipulation and as long as we get our " Fix " that's all we need .

Ashamed or not , he needs to admit he has a big problem but obviously you know about it which is a start , I initially just kept it to those that needed to know but now if anyone want's to talk then it's all good .

Look after you and make sure you fully know what's going on :))

Hi Alan

Thank you for your comments. It’s good to see someone on your side of the fence giving the same advice as I feel so torn.

I’ve asked to take control of his bank but he won’t let me saying there is things on there he doesn’t want me to see.

I know this is just the start of things and maybe I’m a little naive thinking that this will be sorted soon and the fact you’ve pointed out that he is clearly good at deceit and manipulations makes me wonder what’s gone on that I don’t know about

ps. Well done on not gambling for over two years 🙂 there is hope

Hi Reezie , there's definately hope but I guess your just starting on the road to finding out just how deep this all goes and if he's saying thing's like " You can't look at my bank account because " then I imagine there's much more uncovering to be done :(( .

This does have to become about you now though and you protecting yourself from further damage , it's tough when you love and care about someone to find out there not the person you thought they were but he's the one that need's to do this for himself and if he does then by all means be there to support him but just don't enable him anymore :)) .

Best wishes

Alan

Hi Reezie, when I first found out I was given the same excuses ‘you can’t have access to my bank account because...there’s things I don’t want you to see, I want to buy you things..’ etc. When he did give me access to his account I discovered that it wasn’t for any of those reasons, just because he didn’t want me to see the full extent of it. This might not be the case for you but you certainly can’t move forward without him giving you access to everything as I have found out. For us that didn’t work because as I’ve explained on my thread he refuses to get help but hopefully your other half will xx

He’s going to give me all his cards so even if I can’t see what’s happened or get the true extent of it here’s hoping he at least won’t be able to make it worse.

I feel like I’m making excuses for him and I hope he’s not hiding anything and like you said Mel maybe it’s not the same as your circumstance but it’s so similar I fear you are right and it’s not because he’s bought me something nice.

I am not going to enable him ever again. Thank you Alan, I guess this is what they call tough love

Hi reezie my cg told me this. He would cut up a card or give me his cards, call the bank and order new ones. Just be careful, you really need to see bank accounts if he's really stopping he will show them to you. If new ones come in the post scratch the 3 digit number on the back off. Get to the post first as well. Time to be vigilant I'm afraid.

Echo above. I've heard of a CG who could use cards (his own and other people's) after one glance at their numbers.

You are not being told that which your husband wants to hide. My husband maintained financial secrecy whilst actively gambling and it was only when he was exposed and sought to stop that I got full access to his bank accounts and horrors within.

Would urge you to attend GamAnon to learn how to look after yourself and to meet others in the same situation.

CW

Having the cards and hoping isn't enough. He doesn't want you to see what's going on because it's almost certainly worse than he's admitting. You need access to his credit reports with all three agencies and then access to every account shown on them to begin to establish the true picture. You can't trust a word he says without seeing independent proof so don't. If he continues to stall you be wary. Trust your instincts and make protecting yourself your priority.