Can a relationship survive cg?

His pride and what other people think are more important than me-fact

Hi, BiS,

I have the same expectations of my husband as HL...but since he has a whole lot further to go to overcome the addict mindset, I don't get the same results! He still has a lot of self pity and still projects blame onto me etc (or he tries to, I'm getting better at resisting it).

It's the addiction talking, but it still hurts, like you, it infuriates me to think of the extent of the gambling I was tricked into financing.

The key question is what you are prepared to tolerate. Of course you deserve better, but it's not going to happen spontaneously. You can change your life, if that's what you choose to do, but you can't change him. Get real life support, it makes all the difference.

His pride/what other people think may matter to him, but why do they need to matter to you? They may be a factor because you don't have the addict selfishness, but they're not the overriding factor in you making decisions for you and the children.

Look after you.

CW

Thanks for everyone's comments , appreciate you taking the time to write.

I'm reading this with interest...just found out my partner has serious gambling issues, and unsure if we can struggle through it....or if I want to?

Hi mich just been talking to you on chat. You will be feeling all kinds of emotions right now. If you have read posts on here you will also be terrified of what your future holds. You will also have read that this is an awful addiction with its ups and downs! But it can also be beaten! There are success stories on here to read as well. - does your partner want to stop? Did he tell you or did you find out about it yourself. If he wants to stop he needs to tell you everything, get everything out in the open. You can then choose what you are going to do. If you want to help your partner you will get a lot of support on here and advice of how to help him and support for you as well. Hope to see you on chat soon x wcid

Evening all and hi Mitch, One thing that still surprises me is the affect the situation is having on my wellbeing-it doesn't get easier or less surprising, I fear that over time the lies and manipulation are cutting me deeper and deeper, it's becoming harder and harder for me to recover, I'm starting to look at my husband differently, I love him but I also hate him for what he is doing to me/us, I don't get the choices he gets it feels unfair. I think I'm starting to worry I can't return from this point. When you love someone and try to care for them and they don't extend the same consideration and love to you though these actions it's hard to take, the constant let down- I feel like I'm just a useful tool in this whole scenario , an enabler perhaps, is an addiction an excuse for your actions? Can an addict love another, Should you make allowances because is it really their fault? i deserve better , I feel like I'm living a lie, my friends ask how I am and I lie, I cover for him and I hate it.

I saw an old friend recentlu and she spoke a lot about her previous marriage with an addict (alcohol not gambling) she does not know My situation but so much of what she said about her ex husbands behaviour and how she felt was familiar to me and in a weird way the reality of the situation hit me. I think I'm still a bit delusional, I think somehow it will be ok when I need to accept even with recovery being attempted and perhaps it will be successful - this is for life- I'll always question/doubt and it's not enjoyable being the finance police either! It's like babysitting but your the enemy somehow.

Hi, BiS,

As Balvaird has said, a continued relationship is possible if both parties are committed to it and the CG is committed to recovery. Recovery is an ongoing process, it's permenent and the danger of lapse or relapse occurs when there are thoughts of being cured. So nothing will be the same again but before this, he was gambling behind your back. In a recovery relationship that's not going to happen.

The problem is, to quote Dan (day@atime), who posts a lot of sense, that you're not starting from a level playing field, you have to climb out of the pit first. I posted similar questions, he replied that in their case, they started again because he had destroyed what they had before, it was hard but they both put the effort in and they managed it. In my case, my husband is still very much in denial, not so much that he gambled but about the effect that it's had on the family, he just wants to move on without clearing up the emotional mess and he is still prone to behaving like an addict. Dan's response was that it depends on how much time I'm will to invest in waiting for a real recovery and whether I think it's worth the investment, last but not least whether that's what my husband wants as well. The whole process depends on honesty and commitment and it does take two!

At the end of the day, it comes back to what you're prepared to tolerate and how long you're prepared to wait for improvements. You can't have a relationship with an addict in denial and it's not wise to sacrifice your happiness indefinitely.

Can you get to a GamAnon meeting? Real life support from others in the same situation? Or take up GC counselling?

Take care,

CW

Hi bis I hear what you are saying Im finding it difficult to believe my son as he has covered up his gambling for over two years. I can see all online transactions and transfer money to another account for him but when he withdraws any money from cash machine I want to question what he is spending it on. He is only 25 I worry that I will have to do this until he settles down with someone, then what happens do I suggest he tells them everything as I wouldn't want that someone to be posting on here in years to come. There's only you who can decide what is best for you and your family. There are lots of success stories on here and couples can go on to have a happy marriage. I would tell your husband how you are feeling, you need that release and he needs to know that you do not condone what he has done to you, your family and your marriage. It's hard knowing my son got himself into this situation, it must be so much worse when it is your husband. You need to see that your husband is taking control of the situation, yes he has made bad choices, we all do that at times. It's being able to move on and make the right choices now that is important. Take care wcid x

I have considered attending a support group but I've become quite a paranoid individual. Am I making it about me by doing that? I'm lucky from the point of view that he is attending counciling now. I like to think he has now been honest with me about the true extent of the situation. The thing I'm finding hard to move on from right now is the lack of trust as he lied numerous time about the extent of the situation and also the fact recently he tried to get me to take a rather large loan out in my name promising to make the payments, I refused and now it's become clear he had no way of paying the loan payments as he is already riddled in debt and my question is which keeps going round my head over and over is was he just going to f**k me over???? Make me pay it off!!! Lovely Way to reward supportive wife and now I'm questioning everything! Can he truly care about anyone but himself.

Touching on what you say about moving forward, I agree, he is trying and I want to attempt this but right now it's all very raw, I can't yet say "oh well not to worry let's move on" also he is not an easy person to talk to and saying how I feel is likely to be turned on me and make matters worse. These things take time I guess, we will see!!

Hi, BiS,

You are important!!! Despite what you may have been led to believe, it's not all about him. You and your feelings matter and it's much healthier to buy into that idea as soon as possible. Attending a support group absolutely is about you and so it should be! It sends a message to him that you do count, you do need that support and you are seeking it without apology.

There's a tendency for the friends and family to take a back seat, for everything to revolve round the gambling, to be so caught up in it that you get overwhelmed. Not good, balance is needed in all things.

I find the support group helps me, I'd advise you to go for it.

Take care,

CW

I think it's an interesting issue, make allowances for behaviour/choices because they are an addict versus being accountable for your choices. I think it's easier to blame the gambling and think its not their fault to protect your own feelings. I'd rather believe he truly didn't think he was gonna screw me over but like you say that would of been the end result

Hi Bark in silence

Im not suprised in the slightest you describe yourself as paranoid, Id say given the madness we live with its totally understandable.

I know you're not keen on going to a support group, Ive never been to one, purely because they're so far away but given the chance Id of gone to one ages ago. Im just starting my second round of counselling and it feels like a huge relief, its priceless and I highly recommend you get yourself some support.

My counsellor told me that what we've been living with is domestic abuse, I thought surely not thats for partners not parents and I thought it was always about violence, I now know better. Living with a compulsive gambler is enough to test your sanity, Ive said its a trip into crazy world some days, and again this is why you need support.

You're trying to make sense of something that just doesnt make any sense and never will and you're reeling from the shock of it all. Im still shocked at some of the things my son has said and done, and at the moment Im thinking what a complete and utter waste of time it was trying to be a good Mum when hes done all the rotten things he has.

You say you would like to think he is being honest about the true extent of the situation, Im afraid theres still probably more you dont know about, he will tell you as little as he has to.Tell him you want proof of anything he says, if he tries delaying tactics or makes you feel bad for asking then theres your answer. When we thought we had found out the true extent of my sons gambling and the damage he done it was awful but at least now we know, how very wrong we were there was more again and again. Do not believe a single thing he tells you with out proof and even then double check everything.

You ask "am I making this about me?" Id say you must make this about you, the cg's in our lives will not be thinking of us, they're incredibly selfish people. I used to think just the same as you, I thought it was only my son that needed help, and that somehow me getting support was making more of it than I should be, I was very wrong, and wish Id sought it out a long time before I did.

You're doing your very best and have done nothing wrong, this is not your fault, and if your husband is telling you otherwise dont listen.

Take care

Hi...just going to say from a gamblers point of veiw...or maybe just my personnel feeling

Yes I made the choice to gamble the very first day I joined an online site to play slots...yes I made the choice to spin those reels at that time...at that time it wasn't a problem...small amounts...few hours a week...no harm to me or anybody else.....but then....very slowly...over time ...the addiction had crept in...I didnt see it coming.....nor did i ever think..oh my...im a gambler....i was just playing the slots....i didnt ever think...oh well i can do this because im an addict.....i didnt know i was an addict untill i had a wake up call from my daughter.....I will never blame my addiction for my behaviour...I made the choices to gamble....but I didn't choose to become addicted. ...f
Gosh...if that makes sense I will eat my hat....but just trying to explain...lol...while I'm here with you f/fs...I think you are all doing a wonderfull job dealing with the other side of the coin....never blame Y ourselfs...or feel like us gamblers simply don't care....we do....daily....well I do anyway....keep strong and look after Y ourselfs x