Can anyone give me some advice?

Hi,

I really don't think there's a quick fix for you to trust him. You will both have to discuss honestly what the addiction has done to you mentally too.
His actions have caused the trust issues but you won't be able to trust him until he proves he can be trusted. He should understand why you need constant reassurance that he's not back at it, however, you will not move on if you keep questioning him.
I've literally just found out about my partners huge addiction of over 13 years and I'm desperately trying to seek a balance to support him. I wanted to scream and shout but it wouldn't have achieved anything. I'm now trying to support him by taking control of his money which he has surprisingly agreed to. I'm trying to make this more about I will help him through it only if certain conditions are attached. I won't be questioning non stop if he is completely transparent with money.
I don't trust him one bit but I can't knock his confidence that is already on the floor by admitting to me he has a huge problem.
I'm new to all this but I feel maybe the right amount of reassurance from you that you want to trust him and make it work but only if he tells you everytime he feels weak may help build trust back

Thanks for your reply. He has promised to show me his online account every day but when I ask to see it he gets frustrated that I’m asking.

I think he gets so frustrated because he feels guilty that it’s come to this.

I am a very anxious person naturally so something like this is way out of my comfort zone.

Every time I bring up the subject it turns into a huge argument but I just can’t hold it in and ignore it either.

I know that trust will take a huge amount of time and I don’t think it’ll ever be there but I need to find a way of curbing it so that it’s not a daily argument between us which I’m sure isn’t helping him either.

I'm in the same boat unfortunately. Everytime I bring up money it turns into an argument but I can't just pretend he hasn't told me a life changing secret. I keep trying to say the reasons why I need to know (because we want our house, holidays, happiness)
I am literally waiting on him getting back from work to do a credit check and see his online banking and if he refuses then I don't know what I will do. I think it will be exactly what you are going through. They will agree but then become defensive. It's so hard, we are trying to help but made to feel like we are the unreasonable ones making irrelevant requests. The positive things are they have opened up to us and that takes guts but unless you work together it will continue to happen.
To know this is life for the next few years minimum and possibly for life is something I'm really struggling with.

Hi afjs in order to help a cg you have to take control. Stop access to joint accounts. Looking at someone's account is not controlling it. Having access to passwords and being the notification on payments is control. They have to actively seek support. GA, gamcare, gp. Online blocks, no access on phones to gambling sites. K9, gamban are a few. You shouldn't have to question, complete transparency and control is what you need. You cannot stop them, they have to want to stop. If they've nothing to hide they will be prepared for lack of trust and questions.

posotion.

Decisions10 wrote: I'm in the same boat unfortunately. Everytime I bring up money it turns into an argument but I can't just pretend he hasn't told me a life changing secret. I keep trying to say the reasons why I need to know (because we want our house, holidays, happiness) I am literally waiting on him getting back from work to do a credit check and see his online banking and if he refuses then I don't know what I will do. I think it will be exactly what you are going through. They will agree but then become defensive. It's so hard, we are trying to help but made to feel like we are the unreasonable ones making irrelevant requests. The positive things are they have opened up to us and that takes guts but unless you work together it will continue to happen. To know this is life for the next few years minimum and possibly for life is something I'm really struggling with.

Sounds like we are very much in the same position! All I want is to help him but I don’t want to take control of his whole life which is what I feel like I’m doing. At the moment I don’t think he knows how I can help either so hopefully soon we’ll be able to find a good balance to help each other.

He's the only one who can help himself and he needs to want to. You can't trust him especially when he's waving massive red flags in the shape of aggression and deflection when you ask. I don't trust Mr L with unscrutinised access to anything financial even after an apparent four years GF.

Your priority needs to be yourself, your financial safety (ie securing the finances and establishing the true extent of any debt) and your sanity. Read all you can about the addiction to get an idea of what you're up against. Don't keep secrets for him. He can get the support and advice he says he needs from outside sources such as counselling (free via Gamcare) and GA where the members will 'get it' in a way we never can.