New here and want to know what others think.
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Boyfriend and I have been together 4 years - he's told me in the past he's had online gambling issues but that he's self excluded himself a few years ago.
For the last couple of years he's had money issues and I help him out by quite a decent amount each month. In order to get on top of some of his debt issues he's decided to apply for a Debt Relief Order to give himself a bit of a fresh start. He's been having trouble uploading docs to the site where he's applying to asked me to do it.
Last night he sent me his most recent bank statements and a few other docs the DRO people had asked for. Not sure what I was supposed to do I had a look at them, I asked what "LC International" was on his statements to which I got the reply "you don't need to go through my statements". I looked up LC Int and of course it's online gambling. To my horror the last 6 weeks of statements include nearly £1,000 worth of transactions.
I was pretty gobsmacked and didn't know what to say - so I said nothing. He could tell I wasn't happy and went off to bed. Still totally shocked I just left and went home without saying a word - for which I new feel very guilty.
I've no idea what to do - is me giving him money each month to help out making things worse? I've never said no when he's asked and I have sought assurance from him that it's not for any kind of gambling and he's confirmed it isn't. I'm really upset/shaken that I'm giving him money each month to help him but he's still gambling - it's the lies and betrayal that hurt the most.
Deep down I wonder if because he knows he can come to me for cash there's no incentive to stop. Have I become the enabler? I'm so frightened right now I don't know what to do.
Any thoughts anyone has greatly appreciated.
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Hi Frinky
any money given to a gambler is enabling. You are unknowingly paying for what he can’t afford. He can’t afford his debt? His gambling? His ?
it’s not your fault. But a gambler doesn’t take responsibility or feel the consequences until they hit rock bottom. It’s not your debt, it’s his. If he can’t pay that’s his problem.
it took me years to understand this. The whole time I was always worried about his gambling debt, always moving money around, going without. The more debt you pay off the more money they can borrow.
please talk to someone at gamcare. Don’t be ashamed, embarrassed, just call.Â
why are you scared?
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HI Merry go round - thanks for your thoughts, all very helpful. I hadn't really thought of it quite that way but you're right, any money I give is enabling.
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I guess I'm scared about what this means for the relationship as much as anything else. Time will tell.
I do have a call booked in with Gamcare and arranging that has taken quite a weight off already.
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If you’re doing all of this to help him and the most he can say is you don’t need to go through my bank statements, then you need to leave him.Â
He’s lying to you and gaslighting you whilst you give him money. He needs to do the work himself to recover. And he needs much more than a DRO.
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