Not sure where to start & what I'm really after posting on here, but i think I just need to write down what's going on with me & my partner & seek some support.
One year ago I realised the extent of my partners addiction it turned out he was in £30,000 worth of debt through gambling online using credit cards. I was so shocked I know he gambled and at times left us with no money because he gambled it when he got paid but never know he was using credit.
As many gambling partners I've stuck by him, believed time after time that he was going to stop & he has not, to this day he is now £40,000 in debt & all his wages in the last 3 weeks have been gambled.
He went to one gamblers meeting & that was it, it wasn't for him, we have two very young children bills are being missed, he's missed the last two debt management payments & I'm so scared I will be homeless soon, as I see repossession on the cards if things persist.
I'm so angry how he can put gambling 1st the roof over his children 2nd. The addiction makes him selfish & I can't carry on like this any more. He earns fantastic money but we are living a life of poverty because of the gambling. I'm actually thinking I want to leave him as nothing has changed in a year.
It's not even all about the money, he works 7 days a week now, to get as much money as he can to gamble with, leaving me to care for our children single handedly, when he's at home in the evenings his attention is not on his family it's on his phone.
I think I've come to the realisation that nothing will make him stop, not even the needs of his children. I briefly told his parents he had a problem last year but they don't know the full extent, and after telling them they never asked how things where going, if he'd stopped etc.
Any advice on what I should do would be greatly appreciated, I can't cope with this on my own any more.
Hi Ml06, welcome to the Forum and I am sincerely sorry that you are experiencing what you are my friend,
I have to echo pretty much everything Half-Life has said here,
He needs to understand that, at the very, very least, things cannot continue as they are.
He knows he has a problem, he knows that he needs help and has tried to tackle it on one occasion - attending one meeting is a very half-hearted attempt; it is more of a token effort and he probably went with the feeling that he didn’t want to identify with the people who were there.
At the moment, you and your children are suffering as a result of his obsession. I have walked many miles in his shoes - I gambled for twenty years before stopping over five years ago; you have some control before you start but once you do, you spiral into oblivion where your mind can’t really process the consequences of what you are doing - reality doesn’t enter into the equation until you stop or run out of money. It isn’t that he puts gambling first - I’m sure that he is a perfectly decent person without gambling in his life - but he is not tackling his obsession, and obsession is a very powerful thing; it can make you believe the unbelievable, it can make you convince yourself that you can stop or walk away after a big win. As you said, it makes him selfish when he probably isn’t about anything else.
I’m not making excuses for him my friend, because he has an element of control before he starts, and he has a responsibility to seek help. If not, then he has to ask himself what the endgame is, is it losing everything? His home, wife and children? You need to take some very tough measures my friend - I would explain that you want to take control of his finances for the time being, explain that you want to see him get help - GA is not the only option, there are others out there - explain that you want to implement gambling blocking software on his Laptop/PC. Explain that, if he can’t agree to these terms, then he is not putting you or his children first and you have to contemplate a more secure future. Not only that, but you will explain everything, absolutely everything to his parents because it is their grandchildren that are suffering as a result of his actions.
If you doubt this hard line approach then don’t my friend - people did the same with me at times and, although I took it very hard at the time, I am eternally grateful they did because people around me suffered less, and it helped me through this affliction. If he truly cares, then one day, he may be down on his hands and knees, thanking you too.
He is not beyond hope my friend, no-one is, but there needs to be immediate changes. You deserve peace of mind, and your children deserve an attentive Father - at the moment, everyone is losing, everyone is being put through it. Do everything you can to get him to open up about this; if he feels GA is not for him, what would help? This website? Counselling? - put the ball in his court. Maybe you could find out more about how he is thinking and feeling, and then relay it here so we can give you our advice and opinion on it?
Please take care my friend. I hope this is a turning point.
JamesP
Have you got people you can talk to? Friends? A counselor? Anyone?
hard for anyone to deal with gambling addiction on their own.
why not call gamcare have a chat? couldn't hurt could it?
Thank you for your responses already...my partner says he knows he has a problem & wants to stop but says he can do it himself he doesn't need help. When I try to talk to him about things now, his attitude is basically- not this again, we've discussed this so many times & I can't stop. He has times when he's quite positive & believes the debt isn't the end if the world, then next you know he gambling excessively & he believes he just can't stop. To everyone around us he is the person I fell in love with only to me can he be depressive, temperamental etc. I'm fed up of pretending to his family that we some happy family, his mother only few days ago was saying 'aw he does work hard, must be difficult for him working all these days/ hrs' I had to bite my lip & not tell her he works all these hours to have money to gamble, not so he can pay bills, treat his family ect.
I have rung gamcare a few times now when I've felt I couldn't cope. I've told my parents but I moved to live with this man & my family & long life friends live hours away.
We tried me taking over finances but some how he managed to get access again. He's emptied my daughters savings account twice, I've now taken his name off so it can't happen again.
If I leave like I intend to at the moment I will be a single mum living on benefits, im sad & angry, either way mine & my children's futures just seem bleak.
Thank you for your responses already...my partner says he knows he has a problem & wants to stop but says he can do it himself he doesn't need help. When I try to talk to him about things now, his attitude is basically- not this again, we've discussed this so many times & I can't stop. He has times when he's quite positive & believes the debt isn't the end if the world, then next you know he gambling excessively & he believes he just can't stop. To everyone around us he is the person I fell in love with only to me can he be depressive, temperamental etc. I'm fed up of pretending to his family that we some happy family, his mother only few days ago was saying 'aw he does work hard, must be difficult for him working all these days/ hrs' I had to bite my lip & not tell her he works all these hours to have money to gamble, not so he can pay bills, treat his family ect.
I have rung gamcare a few times now when I've felt I couldn't cope. I've told my parents but I moved to live with this man & my family & long life friends live hours away.
We tried me taking over finances but some how he managed to get access again. He's emptied my daughters savings account twice, I've now taken his name off so it can't happen again.
If I leave like I intend to at the moment I will be a single mum living on benefits, im sad & angry, either way mine & my children's futures just seem bleak.
You're welcome Ml06, no trouble at all,
If your partner believes that he can stop by himself, then he should have absolutely no problem proving it - he should have no problem showing you where every penny of his money is going each and every month.
He wants to believe he has control - I did; there is enormous shame in admitting you have a problem you cannot control, but that is life - you are effectively "mentally allergic" to gambling; others can walk away, win or lose, because it doesn't affect them in the same way. Your husband is not built that way - it brings out compulsive, self-destructive behaviour in him.
For a compuslive gambler, it soon becomes nothing to do with the money - all is serves is to fuel your addiction; it is the euphoria he craves, not the amount of money he could potentially win. Imagine if you won £500 on a £1 scratchcard - imagine how happy and overjoyed you would be; this is what your husband craves, that sense of overpowering joy and euphoria - in that sense, it is like a drug.
As I said, ask him to prove it to you if he is so confident - if he can't, then he is out of control, and he must accept that. I imagine he felt the same when he was raiding your daughters savings account - I imagine he felt that he would win and put the money back, I imagine he felt that he could still stop, still have control.
Put the ball in his court my friend - either he proves it, or you will involve his family. If he makes no effort, then you have to put the children first and think about walking away. If you are a single Mum living on benefits, then so be it - that isn't your fault, and I doubt it will be forever - my Mother left my Father when I was five and it was the best thing that could of ever happened to me - I was taken out of an intense, volatile atmosphere and into another which was less palatial, but far more serene and relaxed.
Your need to force him to take this seriously my friend. If you question yourself, then remind yourself that you are doing this for his long-term benefit, as well as ensuring that he is a more stable Father.
If you don't, then things are going to get far worse and probably much sooner than you anticipate - he is very vulnerable and capable of pretty much anything at the moment. If you shock or force him into doing something, then it might just be the wake-up call he needs; getting more stressed and more upset will only push you farther apart and less likely to reach a satisfactory conclusion.
He hasn't changed my friend, gambling changes him as it did me. Your future doesn't have to be bleak but you must take strong, immediate and affirmative action to push him towards changing his life, for all your sakes.
JamesP
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