At first glance, the obvious answer would be no. I shouldn't tell my husband who is a gambler that I am going to inherit a large sum of money. But on the other hand, I know he gambles/gambled because he wants to get us financially secure enough to get a deposit for a house and get a mortgage. This windfall would allow that. It is very hard not to tell him as he is my best friend, but on the other hand I dont want him to then think 'oh goodie, lots of money, lets gamble to make it bigger' .
Any thoughts would be appreciated.
I have a gambling problem. I have maxed out my partners credit card and had to tell him. It killed me but the honesty is better than any win.. If he came into money and felt like he couldn't tell me as he was scared I would lose it I would feel devastated. I would advise it being solely in your name and him having no access to it which I would understand, especially if it was being used as a deposit/home improvement ect feeling like you have someone who still trusts in you when you can't trust yourself counts for a lot. Either way it's your decision just how I would feel. I hope you manage to come to a decision that doesn't cause you any heartache
He wouldn't pressure me to give him money but he can be quite sneaky about gambling. Like when he first admitted it, he didn't tell me about his secret PayPal account which he managed to use to drain his bank account, as well as sell a lot of his stuff on eBay for a lot of money. My worry wouldn't be that he would spend the windfall, as he has no way of accessing it. My worry would be him finding another way to access money and try to gain on what we already have. Does that make sense?
Hi, Pixie,
This sounds all too familiar, my husband is finally in recovery but apparently he simply had to spread bet because I was just so extravagant and we needed the money. In vain did I try to pursuade him that there was a net outflow of cash. And a large chunk of my inheritance evaporated.
Addicts tell many and varied tales about why they do what they do. These involve rationalising the irrational, projecting blame onto you, making you feel guilty, sometimes plain stubborn denials of the obvious.
Your OH and my husband gamble because they are compulsive gamblers, they are addicted to the process of gambling. CGs have no control, they can't win because they can't stop and that is why gambling involves extensive losses. The occasional so-called wins represent a fraction of what is gambled, generally, a study of the bank statements or other records show very clearly that it's not a money making exercise for the gambler, only for the industry.
Telling your OH that you now have "enough" money will change nothing about his behaviour because it ignores the compulsive factor.
I echo HL's advice to keep your inheritance out of reach, don't share passwords and PINS, be careful that on line security is not "remembered". Be aware that your inheritance represents a potential source of gambling tokens to your OH. His access to your inheritance could come in several forms, I ended up paying for everything thus freeing up his income for gambling, I handed over a chunk of cash to him before I had a clue about his addiction, also, watch out for his attempts to obtain handouts.
I would advise you to read up about addiction, you should know what you're dealing with. Otherwise you fall for the manipulation. Finally, do you want to accept this sort of a life and if so, why? What's in it for you?
Take care,
CW
Hi Pixie,
I have read yours and the other posts above and have to say to you to proceed with caution.
What CW says is very true. If you tell your husband about the money he could think in his own mind then that it is his freedom to use other cash to continue to gamble with. Instead of it being used for bills etc he will justify in his own mind that he can use it as you have money to cover it, or, that his next win will recompense you and the bills and all will be fine and dandy again.
My husband did this to me early on into our relationship. I paid all the household bills as the money he earned from working had to pay off his debts each month due to his gambling. My father sadly passed away before I met my oh, but I had some inheritance due from the sale of his property. By the time I got this, my oh had finished paying the largest parts of his debts off so could essentially now contribute towards the household.....but he didn't. He saw it as a free licence to gamble all his wages again, take out loans to cover the loss then have to use the following months wages to pay it back and so the cycle started again. I got through 24K in just 12months on living expenses including 8K towards his debts! It has slowly left me with nothing, except I was shrewd enough to put money into trust funds for the kids so that no one could ever touch the remainder, me included!
CG can be very persuasive, manipulative and convincing as to their reasons behind the use of their money. He will find any plausible argument to give you to validate his actions. Be very, very wary. Could you not tie it up in some sort of limited access account with a different bank than you usually use maybe? Talk to all banks you don't usually use and see what they can do for you and hold off telling him anything about it until you know for sure it is ok to do so. Try to remember, you want this for something to provide a more secure future for yourself. Don't let him undermine or take that away from you due to his selfish needs and desires. He will try, believe me. Think very long and very hard before you tell him about this money, if you do.
I wouldn't, but that's just me, my opinion as I've lived through it.
All the best,
Sad x
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