Dad's addiction has come out and I feel lost & confused

Hi there. Sorry to hear you are going through this. My dad still owes me 400 from a loan (nothing to do with gambling tho) and i haven't received anything for years. I stopped asking but he started a full time job recently so you never know.

You really need to sit him down and explain how this is affecting you, the stress and anxiety etc. Explain that due to his negligence you're credit will be affected badly and hinder your future chances of getting a mortgage for example. This is truly awful and I sympathise totally with your situation. A parent is meant to be there to help their children not put them in financial trouble! Does he know how it's all affecting you?

Is he able to get a loan himself so he can pay you off?

Perhaps if you gave Gamcare a call re some counselling. This is too big for you to carry alone . You are a casualty of your dad's addiction and not to be insensitive but if your dad is not fully in recovery you aren't going to get what you need (financially or emotionally) from him. I know this is frustrating and not the way it should be but people can't give if they don't have it.

Please make getting some help for yourself a priority.

Cathyxx

CM

You have done the right thing by coming on here for support. Both you and your Dad need help with all of this. Sam and Amon have given good advice and you should not be afraid to ring the counsellors on here. They will not only give you emotional support they will give you advice on organisations that will help with debts as well. If your Dad is approachable and willing to talk about his problem maybe you could tell him about this site to get some help and support. It is up to you of course, but if you have other family sometimes it is best to tell them about this so that you are not coping with all the problems on your own. I know from experience how hard it is to help someone with a gambling problem but there are lots of things that can be done so please stay on here and talk to the counsellors to make a plan to help yourself and your Dad.

Good luck.

Hi CM 3003,

Welcome to this Forum!

You have already received very warm and supportive responses from other members here and I would like to confirm, that there is counselling available across the UK, which you can access.

You write about how much your dad's gambling has affected you and how it has left you unsupported and anxious. Gamcare counselling is available to you and you can talk this through with an advisor on the Helpline on 0808 80 20 133 or on the Netline http://www.gamcare.org.uk/support-and-counselling/frontline-services/netline

Both services are available from 8 am to midnight every day.

Your dad, can, of course access our services, too. But it will be his decision whether he wants to make changes and how. You cannot make him stop. But you can make sure that you are OK, that you protect your money and that you do not carry responsibility which isn't yours to take on. This can be difficult to achieve. You sound like you have come to a breaking point.

All the best to you

Kind wishes

Gabriele

I just feel lost in general. Like i say am unemployed and covering this loan is leaving me scrapping the last week of every month and my dad just does not care. The more i think about it the more i hate him, he has not been there for me for nearly 8 years, he has took £15,000 from me overall and i have received nothing from him.

I hear from him once a month if i am lucky and last time he called i said i really need some help or i am going to have to tell my mum everything. He begged me, like he has done the last 8 years not to tell her and i think that is what has really mucked things up for me, i have had to hide his secret for 8 years and help him on my own whilst receiving no help or support from anyone, i think it has just all been too much for me and it is why i have no idea what i want to do with my own life, have spent way to long covering for my dad and forgot to focus on me.

I have contacted gamcare on a few occasions about counselling and both times i havent gone through with it because i felt better by the time appointments were arranged, but i think this is something i have to do, its a massive problem for me and as i cant talk to family i have to talk to someone.

And no he cannot get a loan out to pay me off as he said he owes thousands to other peope and it came out the other day he has gambled around £120,000 in the last 6 years. Just makes me feel sick and angry that he has gambled that much yet has not given me a penny for 8 years or paid off the loan he forced me to take out for him three years ago.

Hi CM

Im going to be very honest with you, you're not going to get any money back from your dad, he's a compulsive gambler and paying you back isnt even a thought in his head, to him life is all about the next bet. He might occasionally make you promises but they're simply to get you off his back and nothing more. An addict in denial has no morals or conscience and will do practically anything to get what they want.

You cannot make your dad stop gambling, nothing you say or do will ever make any difference unless he wants recovery and he doesn't. Yes hes making bad choices but its his life and he gets to choose what he does with it. You cannot control what someone else does nor can they control what you do. Im sure he loves you but it doesn't make any difference when it comes to this, the pull of the addicion comes first every time and always will unless he chooses recovery at some point and only he can decide if or when that would be.

I love my son very very much but hes a cg and behaves as such, I cant trust a word he says and I know the lengths he will go to get what he wants, hes stolen from us several times, owes us thousands we're never going to get back. Its not right and of course my son and your dad should do the right thing and pay us back but the reality is its not going to happen.

Your dad is not your responsibilty, so if he goes hungry or has nowhere to stay its up to him to sort it not you. Hes a grown man and is very capable of providing for himself but he'd rather spend any money he has gambling. We've all stepped in and helped ,Ive lost count of the times Ive bailed my son out or saved him from some catastrophe but its actually the worst thing you can do it just keeps the addiction going. They have to feel the consequences of their actions if they dont why would they ever want to stop. My counselllor told me its only when life gets so unbearably s****y rotten awful for them that want to stop, choosing recovery is better than the misery the gambling has caused but if we rush in and save them we stop that process happening. At least twice before my son left for good we threw him out and he did sleep rough, dam near killed me I was so upset and I gave in and he came home. Tthe last time he left I knew it was likely the same would happen but by that point we were at breaking point and had ran out of options when he'd stolen again and we'd told him if he did he had to go and had to follow through on what we said. Hes my youngest and I was frantic with worry but its 6 months later and he has a house, still has his job and isn't going hungry. Ive seen his social media today and he looks like hes having great time, all that worry for nothing, hes certainly bounced back. Im sure your dad will be fine too.

As for the loan, it can be sorted, Id advise calling Step Change, they helped my son when he had a very brief moment wanting recovery. They hepled sort a budget out, included everything, food, rent, travel etc and then last of all debt. They wrote to everyone he owed money to most were ok with the arrangements and a couple not so understanding but got it sorted with some negotiation through Step Change. Debt payment comes last and for someone unemployed you should only be paying a very small amount back. They were very understanding and very helpful they took all the worry away. They know my sons debts were from gambling and they still helped, I am certain they will be able to help you.

A cg can be very manipulative and your dad might try again and ask you to help him financially but no matter what story he gives you or promises he makes never give him another penny, it will only end up exactly the same.

As for the for the counselling it really is worth it, it helped me a great deal and I think you would find it just as good, they will help sort through everything. I had a fantastic counsellor and she literally she lifted a huge weight off my shoulders.

Take the focus away from you dad, and back to you where it should be and look after yourself not him. Its easy to get wrapped up in what they are doing and forget about ourselves. My son is my youngest and I thought it was my job to get him well as I called it but all that happened was I became so wrapped up in what he was doing I forgot about my own life and was quite frankly a mess. I still have to work at it some days but I know leaving him alone to sort himself out while I look after myself is the right way to it .

Take care

X

CM

Please listen to Phoenix and take her advice. Your Dad has manipulated you into taking on his secret and landed you with his huge debt and it sounds like he is also taking money off other people who will now also lose out financialy. For their sake as well, you must tell your Mum now and cut off all financial ties with your Dad. I know it is hard but he is going to have to face the consequences of his other debts without dragging you down any further. Please ring the counsellors on here asap to talk about this and they will advise you on how to get help with your debt before it gets any bigger.. This site is not only for the gamblers but offers support to people like you and me as well. CM - you cannot fight this on your own. So make a list of what you have to do: ie.

1. Ring Gamcare asap

2. Tell your Mum asap and any other family member that will listen

3. Tell your Dad there will be no more financial help from you and tell him that you are now at rockbottom yourself until he tries to help himself.

4. Keep writing on here where you will get guaranteed support and you can air your feelings.

Good luck

Hi CM

Sorry forgot to mention something 🙂

Compulsive gambling thrives on secrecy, the fewer the people who know makes it all the easier for them to gamble, plus the less people that know more people to borrow money from.

They are excellent manipulators and will convince you that by keeping it secret you're sparing others from upset and of course you woudlnt want to do that. They'll often be other reasons, why they want you to keep it to yourself they'll all be good and as convincing as the other reasons. None of its true they just dont want people to know they gamble, the only person who benefits keeping it a secret is the cg.

Your dad has passed the responsibility over to you, it becomes your problem, its a heck of a burden to place on you. No one is forcing you to keep this a secret your dad has manipulated you into thinking that you have to, you definelty dont.

Im sorry to say but you're dad isnt thinking about the money he owes you or the emotional damage hes doing hes thinking about his next bet. Its awful I know my son is doing exactly the same.

You dont have to shout it from the roof tops but I strongly advise you tell someone, a close friend or relative or your mum, yes shes going to be upset and angry but understandble, and she'll hate to think you've been bottling this up. Speaking from a mums point of view Id hate to think my child (no matter how old they are) felt they couldnt talk to me, Ive always told them they can tell me anything. My other son is 27 and always comes to me if he needs to talk and I wouldnt have any other way. I think you'll find your mum far more supportive than you think, just give her little time to get used to it all. Remember you havent done anything wrong.

Call Gamcare today and arrange some counselling, and is there anyway you can get to a Gamanon meeting, Im told they're really good, I wish I could of gone but too far away. Start thinking about what you need, let everyone else sort themselves out. And stay away from your dad he'll only drag back into the chaos.

X

I havent lent him any money for a few years now. I got fed up of lending him half my wages whilst i was working, he made me feel like i had to and he needed it, i wasnt thinking about what it was doing to myself for years. I am 25 now and feel like my twenties have just been a mess and covering this secret and bailing my dad out has been a massive part of it.

When i last spoke to him he said he will give me some money on the 20th, its now the 23rd and heard nothing, just sick of his lies and its what i have put up with for over 6 years now.

Im beginning to hate him and really lose all care for him because i realise how much of a mess he has put me in. He has never supported me financially or emotionally, its been me supporting him and now see it has been too much for me.

I will contact gamcare today and arrange an appointment with a counsellor and deffinately go to it this time.

I have been thinking a lot today about how my dad has mucked things up for me the last 6 years. I have lent him thousands, kept it a secret from my mum and i realise it has made me feel so lost, confused and helpless. I am currently unemployed and have been for 5 months, my dad has added to this by not helping and continuing to make me pay off his gambling loan. My mum has no idea about how much i am struggling, i have been so used to covering for my dad and i am tired of it, i havent heard from him for almost 3 weeks and shows how much he cares.

He has always begged me not to tell my mum, they have been divorced for 8 years and hate each other, but by me not telling her i am getting no help from anyone and it has been like that for 6 years now.

I feel like i am close to telling her just not sure how it is going to go down. But i realise that i am really struggling because i am keeping this all in so i got to tell her.

I agree ... It's not your problem. Sharing it with your mom is not going to change your dad's behaviour but will take some of the pressure and burden off your shoulders.

Cathyx

Been a few weeks since I been on here, I have days where I am ok but days like today where I sit and think about how he has treated me the last 6 years. I haven't heard from him for 5 weeks now and he knows how much I am struggling, I feel so let down and angry with him that I do not want to know him until he makes effort to help me. Him gambling the last 6 years has left me with no father figure and I feel I have really needed that, instead of him being there for me financially and emotionally it has been the other way around with me doing everything for him, I feel I have put a lot of my energy into being there for him that I now feel so lost in myself and have no family to help me through it.

I had my first counsellor meeting a few weeks ago and my next one is next week, they said I have been through so much and that I have just got too used to how it is, being there for him and putting up with all his gambling instead of having the support I really need. I know he didn't chose for it to get this bad but its just the fact he still doesn't seem bothered with me even with his problem out that gets to me, he doesn't ever ask how I am doing, all he has done is leave me emotionally damaged and with his gambling debts and I am going to struggle to forgive him for that until he really makes some effort and acts like a father because he hasnt done for a long time now.

I don't want to shatter any dreams for you but please, don't get them up! He is active & therefore will continue to look after his own needs above anything else! You have to do everything you can to get back on your feet with the counselling & anyone around you that can support you! If you haven't already, please, tell your mum! She may be upset that you have kept this to yourself, angry even that you have tried so hard to support him but hopefully, she has the strength to step up & fill some of the gap he has left!

Your Dad will continue to let you down as he has been doing until he realises he needs & accepts help. My mum is a CG & to my mind, as a CG in recovery, I am in a fantastic position to show her the way but she won't do it for her & she can't do it for me!

You don't need to forgive him (you may want to in time), you will never forget but as you get your strength back, you won't feel the impact quite so much! Try & look after you - ODAAT