Will try and keep it short.
My parents divorced 10 years ago when i was 15, I am the eldest of 3 kids. It was a messy divorce and my parents havent spoke for around 8 years now.
My dad really struggled, I went to live with him and my younger brother and sister with my mum.
About 2 years after the divorce my dad told me he couldn't afford the rent no longer so we had to move in with my grandparents, it was not ideal for me, too far away from college and friends so I went to live with my mum and have now done so ever since.
A year after moving in with my mum my dad started asking me for money, since then i have lent him £5,000 of which £1500 he still owes me, along with this he pretty much forced me to take out a £10,000 loan for him when i was 21 4 years ago. The loan has 6 months left and the last 6 months i have had to pay myself as my dad cannot afford it, this has added extra stress to me as i have been unemployed for 5 months.
My dad rang me up two months ago crying and admitting to me that he has a gambling problem, i knew he did but not to the extent he revealed. He has gambled around £150,000 in the last 8 years and has never given me or my siblings a penny. I have lent him thousands, paid for my own holidays, college courses everything and he apologised for never being there for me, he has become so distant to me and my siblings we see him on average 3 or 4 times a year and he says its because gambling took over him.
I feel i have spent so much time focusing on him and being there for him that i haven't been able to focus on me. I am now 25, unemployed and have no idea what i want to do with myself and neither of my parents have been interested or seem like they care. Instead of getting help from my parents whilst being unemployed i am still having to pay off his debt and get no help from either of them. My mum asks why i have nothing and i feel this big pressure of not being able to tell her anything.
These days i feel anxious, worried, nervous about everything, my mum doesn't know about my dads addiction as she would go mad at me for helping him and he is always pressuring me not to tell her. I feel like i am stuck and cannot get any help from either of them emotionally or financially.
I feel like i cant talk to anyone about this so just putting it out there. I have thought about going to my GP as i really am confused and anxious about a lot of things these days. I feel like i should be doing so much better in life but i just have never had support of my parents. If anyone has thoughts or advice that would be great thanks
Hi, I have just read your thread and it hurt me to read it, never mind what the situation is doing to you. It hurt me because I could be your dad, I was divorced in 2003, and have followed exactly the same route as your father (except I have not borrowed any money off my children), the scenario is very similar, gambling at all costs, no support given to children etc. Your father has an illness, you must be aware of that, he needs help from Gambling and Counselling organisations. But it is all not about your father, it's about you. I think bottling this situation up inside is and in the long run will due you no good, you need to talk to someone about this, google counsellors in your area and see if you can find one who will give you some sessions for free. I really think you need to talk to someone - bottling it all up is no good, I have to go now, I will be back later if you want to post again.
I understand that it must be really hard for him and that he has an illness and needs to get help. But with it being hard for him he has made my last 7 or 8 years really difficult too, i should be able to rely on him financially or emotionally and i have never had that. My mum has done everything for us three kids so cant expect much from her but this gambling addiction has turned our dad into a stranger almost. He struggled to pay me on time for birthday on a few occasions, has never offered to help me for anything and i have struggled to get by yet he has spent £20,000 a year on average for the last 8 years on this horrible addiction.
Gambling takes our loved ones from us, I'm sure your dad loves you, but he has a problem with money like me. I don't want to tell you my horror story, there are plenty on here for you to read. I'm posting on your thread for you. You need the counselling, you have been through a lot, marriage break up is never good for children, and with your father losing himself it's an added burden for you. What I would say is THIS IS YOUR LIFE, YOU MAKE YOUR LIFE YOURSELF, GO OUT THERE AND FIND PEOPLE WHO WILL GIVE YOU CONFIDENCE, AND SUPPORT YOU MENTALLY, THEY MAY NOT SUPPORT YOU FINANCIALLY, BUT THEY CAN PUSH YOU FORWARD. Have you a good group of friends, a partner? I would say leave your father to his own devices, I wanted to be left alone, I had to find out where my rock bottom was and why I was gambling. Luckily I have stopped before debt, but I feel very bad that the money I have wasted could have gone to my children. You want to post more, I can listen to you, but you need that face to face counsellor.
I will do the counselling, i wasn't sure if it was just a case of me not being strong enough or if i actually do need it, i feel like i do i just want someone to talk to about everything and get an understanding.
Hi again, there is a little good come out of these four threads between us, I think you have realised that you are actually quite strong and the need for counselling is there. Look I am not the best person to give advice, I have been their for my kids but they made their own way after leaving home early at 20 years of age (they are now in their thirties), I did not mean to get into gambling, I had earnt a lot of money , worked all my life, but after a while it sucked me in and all I wanted from gambling was my money back, you always think you have a chance. If your dad stops now, in time and I mean time, you can be a loving family again, but for now you have to look after you and your girlfriend. Right now I think you need to talk to the professionals about this - if you live in the north west of england, google beacon counselling, they are pretty good. I will be checking this site on a regular basis today, if you feel the need to post any more threads and recieve replies.
Hi CM3003, I would like to give different advice from the above...Phone GamCare. Never mind Googling counsellors in your area, this site offers free counselling to loved ones & you are a prime example of someone who has suffered too much @ the hands of a CG! I'm hairing about @ the minute but will be back very soon to post properly!
Welcome to the site 🙂
I contacted them on livechat and have organised an appointment. I am just quite lost in myself and confused and feel having to put up with the way my dad has been is all down to his addiction and has effected me quite badly.
You're bound to be, especially with confirmation from your Dad that he didn't put you 1st! Thinking it is one thing, having it confirmed quite another! I'm glad you have spoken to them 🙂
Your pain & confusion is sadly not going to go away overnight, nothing can replace the financial & emotional support you have missed out on but support from elsewhere & acceptance that you didn't cause any of this will hopefully make it less painful! I am a CG in recovery, my mother is a CG in denial, it hurts! You can't change what has happened but you can have a healthy future, whether your Dad has the strength to be a part of that or not will remain to be seen. This isn't about you being weak, far from it, you have offered nothing but support & as with most active gamblers, intentionally or not, this has been thrown back in your face.
Counselling is a great step, it may also be worth seeing your GP, I had a course of happy pills recently but my surgery offered well clinics & other face to face support that I'm led to believe many others do too! Is there a Gam Anon group near you? These are support groups for friends & family members affected by this, people there will understand you & would be a good source of 3D support!
It's great that you are doing something for you, getting help that you (& maybe even your family) need to move forwards. Hopefully, the lost feelings will start to unravel & you will be able to smile again - ODAAT
The hardest thing for me is that me my brother and sister have had to keep this all a secret from our mum. I feel it has effected me the worst, im 4 and 6 years older then my siblings and my dad has looked to me mainly to lend him money and do him favours the last 8 years.
Gambling thrives on secrecy & that is why your dad doesn't want you to tell anyone! I can't see how you are benefiting from not telling, nor how much worse it could get if you did & so from where I'm standing it seems perfectly reasonable that you tell all, especially if you think it will help you! Your dad lost the chance to call the shots ages ago & you have to take care of yourself now. It may sound harsh but lending him money & doing him favours is enabling him to keep doing what he is doing so you have to stop. I know it's easier said than done but you have to stop trying to dig him out of the hole (because he is the only one who can really make himself get better) & if that means going against his wishes then so be it.
Hopefully some of the other loved ones will be along soon to give you some solid advice but for what it's worth, you're not alone now!
Hi
You have done nothing wrong, its an awful situation to be in and your doing your very best. As Half life said cgs are excellent manipulators, and dont ever under estimate the lengths they will go to to get what they want. Your dad knows exactly what hes doing by asking you not to tell your mum and hes relying on you not to to tell in fear that it will upset her. However keeping secrets is what compulsive gambling thrives on and it makes a bad situation worse, I really think you should tell your mum, yes she'll be upset but rightly so, not at you, but Im sure she would want to know what you're going through and would want to help.
I know you mean well but lending him money (you'll never get back) and doing your dad favours even little ones, all help the addcition keep going. Its not a criticisim, Ive done it many times and so have most of us in the f&f side, we thnk we're helping, but its actually enabling the addiction, it juist makes it easier for him to gamble. My son used to ask for money for food and of course I gave him it until I realised he was using the money to gamble so I bought food instead but all that did was free up any money he had to gamble. He pleaded with me, that he'd go hungry and what kind of mum was I to let that happen, I wasn't letting that happen he prefered to spend money gambling than buy food, - he never did go hungry.
As for debt I found Step Change excellent, they tried to help my son when he briefly wanted to deal with his debts (didnt last ), they helped with a very generous budget for him to live on and helped negotiating his debts with all he owed money too ( 9 or 10 companies) , it reduced his monthly out goings massively. Its free and they were very understanding and I highly recommend them.
Everything you're feeling is normal in the circumstances, its hard to make sense of something that just doesnt make any sense. The counselling from Gamcare is first class, it will help you work through everything that you're feeling and its the chance just to talk to someone abou it , someone who understands. If you have a bit of wait hang in there its definetly worth it.
The only person that can help a cg is themselves, nothing we say or do will make any difference, its only when they want recovery badly that they will want to change. Sadly as much as we love them its a very selfish addiction and gambling will always come first for them.
The kindest thing you can do for your dad is leave him alone to sort this for himself, stop trying to help, he has to feel the consequences of his actions if hes ever to want recovery. I know how hard it is to sit back and let that happen its what Im having to do with my son, but its the only thing that has any chance of working.
Go to the counselling, GA of possible, talk to us here and a close friend if possible, and speak to Step Change about the debts.
Take care.
What is frustrating is that i have lent him in total £5,000, £1500 of that i have not got back yet and he says he cannot pay at the moment and hasnt given me any for around 6 months. Along with this, there is 6 months left of the loan i took out for him 4 years ago, he hasnt given me a payment for that in 6 months either so in total he owes me nearly £3,000 and all he says is there is nothing he can do at the moment. All i have done is cover him and lend him money and now, even when i am unemployed and have been the last 4 months, he cannot help me and unfortunately i have not had any help just hassle in the last 8 years.
Hi CM
I know you're feeling like its all too much, your head is spinning with so many things you dont know where to start, we all know how that feels. You feel like you have the weight of the world on your shoulders and dont know where to start, its awful I know.
This is going to be really hard to do to start with, but try and take a step back from all the chaos, do something for you, it doesnt have to be much, or cost anything just something that makes you feel a little better. This was suggested to me when I first came to this forum it was suggested I have a bubble bath or a nice coffee, I didnt get it, thats not going to help, it wont fix anything, it does however give you a break from all the stress just for a little while and its something just for you. I have some hard days with out my son and when it gets over whelming I do things to distract myself, anything just to give me break from thinking and worrying too much, it does help.
You are not responsible for what anyone else does, wether thats your parents bad divorce, your dads gambling or anything else the only person you have any control over is yourself, so its time to take care of yourself.
Give yourself a break and take a step back from all of this, and deal with all your worries when you start counselling and for now just think about doing what you need to do for yourself. Its not a bad thing to start looking after yourself its essential when it comes to living the way we do.
Take things one day at at time or even an hour at a time and look after you first.
Take care
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