Hi, I've recently discovered that my partner has been gambling seriously for about 12 months. It was a huge shock as I had no idea he was even interested in gambling. He hasn't even bet a pound on the grand national as far as I was concerned! He's kept this enormous secret and I honestly had no suspicions he was hiding anything. I found out a few weeks ago when the card for our joint account was declined when I went food shopping. He has racked up almost £20, 000 of debt and stole money out of our joint account. Since I have confronted him, he admitted to gambling and the debt. I think I now know everything and he has taken steps to manage his debt. He allows me complete control of his wages and all of our money. So he is taking some really positive steps and trying hard. However, he says he doesn't need counselling as he is not addicted. He tells me that now I know about the debt, he no longer feels the need to gamble and that he only gambled so much to get rid of the debt so I wouldn't find out. I so want to believe him and trust him, but it just seems like something an addict would say to deny their addiction.
Does anyone have any advice or thoughts? Thanks in advance.
Sam
20,000 reasons right there tell me you guys need extra support please seek it together good luck
Hi there are plenty of people on here who will give u some advice from experience. Have a read of my thread ‘do I walk away’. When I first found out earlier this year it was similar amount of debt (well closer to 30k), I got told the same as u that because I knew he wouldn’t do it again. I believed him over and over, I have come to realise and understand they don’t do it by choice, it is an addiction and for the majority it won’t get better without help (I do appreciate there are some who can overcome it alone, not everyone is the same). Don’t believe anything he says, u wouldn’t believe some of the lies they can come up with. Look after yourself xx
Hi Sam good for you seeking help and not listening to him. If he's not addicted why was it secret? If he's not addicted how did it get to £? If he's not addicted why was your card declined? As Mel a nie says, the lies. So no joint accounts, close it and open one for the bills in your name, or get his name taken off. Cancel cards attached to it. In my experience it's normally worse than the first confession. My cg had his post sent to work. Open all post. Blocking software onto gadgets, internet and phone providers can be asked to block gambling sites. Be vigilant. Call gamcare and get some advice, you can have counselling too. Learn about addiction. You cannot stop him, if they want to gamble they will. Just secure your finances. You could go to gamanon meetings, I go, real life help and support. It doesn't add up if he's so willing for you to take over finance but he doesn't have a problem. He is kind of, half admitting. Some do it alone but seeking help is better. It's forever, many of us here have been fooled and thought they'd stopped, me included. Meetings help. Stay calm, I found arguing made my cg more secretive. Good luck!
Thank you for your supportive comments. I have secured myself financially and his wages are paid to my account. At the moment I don't give him any spending money and he only gets petrol when I'm there. He has been great at getting debt support and sorting that side of it out. He refuses to go to gamblers groups and when I mention anything about him getting help for the gambling, it just turns into an argument.
Hi Sam see how it goes. I had all the finance thought all was fine, my cg stopped meetings after a year. What he was doing was just getting loans to gamble with. As I said you can go to gamanon, there are a few who come to my meeting and the gambler in their family doesn't. Look after you, if you're struggling go. Credit reports will also show more.
Thank you everyone for your support. My cg has been attending GA meetings every week for 4 months. He was very reluctant to attend the first meeting, but as soon as he came home he said he definitely wanted to go to another. He says the weekly meetings are a huge help and he will continue to attend them for years to come. So glad I pushed him into it.
Hi I'm glad to hear that he's going to GA. Beware if you 'pushed' him into it. What about you? Is there a gamanon meeting? If you get support you learn how to cope.
We are available 24 hours a day, every day of the year. You can also contact us for free on 0808 80 20 133. If you would like to find out more about the service before you start, including information on confidentiality, please click below. Call recordings and chat transcripts are saved for 28 days for quality assurance.
