Hello, I'm new here and am looking for advice on how to help my sister. For the past few years my sister has been gambling. At first it was a few pounds but over time its escalated to hundreds if not thousands of pounds. I knew she was gambling at the beginning but she always made out that she was "winning" or was "up" on what she had gambled so stupidily I never thought of it as a problem, just that she was lucky. It got to the point last year where she had eventually lost all her money on more that one occasion and I quickly bailed her out so she didn't get bank charges. I was basically paying off bills she couldn't pay and gave her money for petrol to get to work and back. Over the past few years now its been a viscious cycle, she'll vow to pay off her debt but instead gamble all her money away and i'm left bailing her out, but it's now not me she's lending money off but other family members and the dreaded pay day loans!. We came up with a plan to help her quit by getting a new bank card that I kept hold of and changed her online banking details to something only I knew but after a week or so she had her online details changed again and searched the whole house to find her bank card I had "hidden". We also booked an appointment to see a GP but she didn't go as she had to pick up a family member who was to accompany her so there was no push for her to go. She also got a new phone aswell that she couldn't gamble on but eventually found her way around that by installing some software. Most of her gambling is online slots at £20 a spin but she also has been buying scratch cards too. I just dont know what to do any more! She told me again last night she had gambled and lost alot of money. I'ts starting to take its toll on me know, in the early years I was helping her by literally giving her all my disposable income after my bills were paid so she could pay hers so I was making myself go without to bail her out. Now she's broke again and all I want to do is bail her out, I have the money to bail her out but feel like its an easy option for her and she'll do it again. This money is for a holiday I have booked so at the same time I want to keep it for myself and so feel selfish for not helping her. The only thing I can think of is just to help her get to work and back, if she doesn't work she wont be able to clear her debt which will only get worse. She won't look at her bank or let me see it so we know how much she has for the month. I don't think she has enough to pay her bills, She said to me that she's had thoughts of stealing so she really does need the help. When I said to her you would end up in jail she replied "atleast I won't be able to gamble". I know, she knows she needs help and so i'm booking another appointment with a GP which she has agreed to and that I will go to with her so she has support from the very beginning and we're also looking at getting a cheaper £10 phone so she cant gamble on it. I've also installed software on my laptop that prevents any gambling sites from opening which is blocked by a password.
Does anyone have any advice? Do I bail her out completely, bills included or just help her get to work?
What else can i do to help her stop? I understand it wont be instant but hopefully I can stop her loosing all her wages in one night
Thank you for reading
Hi,
This is nightmarish for you and you need to focus on improving your situation and your health and well being. You are caught up in focusing exclusively on her, you have been trying to control what she does, your peace of mind presently depends on whether or not she gambles.
But...you can't control what she does, no matter how hard you try. There is nothing, nothing at all that you can say or do to make her gamble, or make her stop gambling. It's an addiction and only the addict chooses whether and when to stop.
On the other hand, you don't have to keep paying for her. Whatever you give her frees up "her" money for gambling, whatever you pay for, she doesn't have to so she has more money to gamble with. Therefore bailing her out isn't doing her any more favours than it's doing you. It's still her choice how to spend her money but with this addiction, it's no good expecting wise choices.
The standard advice is to detach yourself as far as you can. She may well be engaging in destructive behaviour but you can't stop her. So don't drive yourself mad by trying. Instead, get support for you, from the helpline, from friends, from GamAnon, whatever works.
Look after yourself.
CW
Hi,
It's obvious that you're trying to help her out because you care but in this instance it would be much better for her to hit rock bottom. While youare giving her money she is not being forced to face up to what she's doing & there are no consequences to her actions.
I only stopped gambling because i literally had no money to gamble & it gave me chance to think about things clearly.
Just help her get to work but don't give her any money. Why should she gamble your future away?
A gambler will always find a way toi gamble if they want to so getting her a cheaper phone is a red herring (she'd probably just buy more scratch cards & the online games are available in betting shops too i believe)
Look after yourself, care about her, but giving her money is just throwing good money after bad.
If you do what you always did, you'll always get the same results is the term (i think)
Hi Kay
Im the Mum of a compulsive gambler and I understand how much you want to help your sister.
You have very good intentions but Im afraid it is as everyone says, only your sister can decide to stop gambling nothing you say or do will make any difference. I did exactly the same things with my son as you are doing with your sister, many many different reasons as to why he needed the money. For a while he needed rent money then food, and of course being his Mum I couldnt see him go hungry or lose the roof over his head, but it was actually the worst thing I could of done.
As has already been said, all it did was either free up his own money to gamble or the money I gave him was used to gamble. It took me a long time to realise just how manipulative he was and I really didnt want to think it was true but it was.
You are doing exactly the same with your sister, all very well intended I know but all its doing is letting her continue to gamble. Nothing you nor I can do will stop my son or your sister from gambling only they can do that and your sister is a long way from that yet.
I know this sounds harsh but the kindest thing you can do for her is leave her be, and dont give her money nor the ride to work as fatuesque said (sorry). While she doesnt have to face any of the consequences of her gambling she will have no desire to stop, its only when her life gets so lousy and the gambling really impacts on it will she have the desire to stop.
Its a awful situation and you can offer her moral support but anything else you really do need to take a step back. A compulsive gambler is very manipulative and will lie to get what they want, it doesnt matter who they are to us its a fact.
As a mum my instinct tells me to help my son and I tried everything possible to help him and none of it worked, I had to realise that it has to be up to him
Get yourself as much support as you can and please take that step back
Hi everyone!
Thank you for your comments!
I know you are all right in telling me to stop paying for her and I will try. I can see that her hitting rock bottom when or if she does is going to be rough and i will hate every minute of it but you are right it's the only way for her to realise the effect it's having on her. I just need to remind myself that I'm doing it to help her!
Hi Kayz
Im afraid it is true they do have to hit rock bottom and its incredibly hard to have to sit back and wait for that to happen, and if it does it could be a long wait. Im still waiting for my son to reach his rock bottom I would of thought it would of happened long before now and there have been many times when I though surely this time but so far its not to be.
I would strongly advise you get yourself that counselling through Gamcare, you are going to need as much support as you can get. I did and its made a huge difference and wish Id sought it out long before I did, I had the most brillitant counsellor. I cant say it hurts any the less he's my youngest child and I struggle with it but I do find I understand a lot more and know its all up to him.
I was told the kindest thing we can do for them is to use tough love, we really need to think with our heads and not our hearts on this one. It took me a very long time to realise we cant help but once I finally accepted that I found a kind of peace and took that step back we all talk about.
Take care
I can't believe my last comment was over a year ago!
Well things haven't change in fact they have got worse. My sister is still gambling and as of three months ago went on the sick with work because of depression. She's still been gambling but has stopped asking me for money instead getting pay day after pay day loans. She's thousands of pounds in debt and I have no idea how to help her! I've listened to what everyone had said and not bailed her out in the hope she sees she needs help. Which she did. When she went on the sick and to the gp who was very unhelpful to the point where he actually said "what can I do" not in a helping way but a demeaning way and just printed some stuff off for her. After that she needed some encouragement to go and see someone else who referred her to a mental health specialist although when my sister had to ring she had to leave a voicemail and nobody had got back to her. She even decided she wanted to go to rehab and even looked at the Gordon moody one but because she is a women they don't so residential treatment! Like they do with the men. Just meetings. She wanted to go to a rehab centre to have ongoing constant support for a while because she thinks the break in between won't help her.
So last night she broke down to me saying how she had won £6000 and blown it all and got herself in debt again trying to win it back in desperation. We've tried everything to stop her gambling from changing her phone to a basic one, putting blocking software on her computer and changing her bank details so only I knew them. I'm now looking at becoming her general power of attorney. Has anybody else done this and did it work?
I really need to help her overcome this
I'm sorry to read nothing's changed....just got worse..that's what happens with addiction love
And I know it's easier said than done. ...but only your sister can make the changes needed...you've tried to help her...but if she's not up for the fight...nothing will work..
It's a bit like teaching a child to ride a bike without stabalizers....you can hold the seat forever....but untill the child learns to peddle. ..nothing happens !
Much the same scenario with us addicts. ..
Make sure you look after yourself and don't feel guilty spending your money on you....hope things improve
Hi. I'm the mum of a compulsive gambler my son is almost 22. I understand how much you want to help your sister, but I'm sorry to say with this you can't, it all has to come from your sister if she wants to stop. Bailing her out is the worst thing you can do, yes you can see she needs to pay bills, get work etc but all it's actually doing is freeing up more of her own money to gamble with. I like most of us here have all done it I've bailed my son out and helped so many times but it's always the same out come and will be when actively gambling. As Cynical Wife said detach with love, I was told many times until I finally understood, my sons addiction is completely out of my control and so is your sisters. It doesn't mean you love her any the less but you really need to take a step and stop trying to help, it's what both you and her need. If you protect her from any of the consequences of her gambling she'll never want to stop, she has to feel the consequences of her gambling no matter how bad they may be, and maybe then she will want recovery. We don't have any contact with our son any more and that was our choice and although he doesn't see it, it's actually for his benefit too. Of course I don't want it to be this way but I've accepted the only person who can fix this is my son and it's the same for all compulsive gamblers. You are going to need support, call Gamcare, they can arrange free counselling for you and Gamanon is excellent support too. Take care
Kayz,
My heart breaks for you. I came to Gamcare, not because I was in debt, but realised I was loosing money that should have for me not a FOBT. I work in mental health, and have just put this period down to stress and not being able to use an FOBT ever again.
Your sister needs to work things our for herself. I know you cannot see it, but she thinks your going to pick her up out of this situation and rescue her. Your not, because it is not you that has the problem, she does. The longer that you facilitate any kind of help, the longer she will lean on you. An observation, she seems quite specific about the type of help she is seeking. What we expect and what we get are two different things. Gamcare offer an great counselling package, and GA have weekly meetings in most area's. You also need support. Can I also make another small observation, and I know you may not see this coming, but I do. The pay day loans are going to dry up soon, they do eventually. Then your sister is desparate for gambling money. She will look around to see what means she can have gambling. Nail everything down. And I mean that in the nicest way. There was a lad on here the other night, and while I am not judging him, he stole £75,000 from his father. I am not saying you have that kind of money, but once it is gambled, it cannot be given back.
You need to detach and walk away, and I hate to say that about anyone's sister. But your not helping her, and as long as you are there, she will keep gambling. Always leave the door open, but you need to leave her now, and if she wants recovery badly enough, it is there for her, it is there for us all when we need it.
Take care.
Julie x
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