Do I leave him?

Yep it is all about lies. As soon as you work out that someone has lied to your face do not be forgiving - you will not be rewarded . If you don’t have children move on...

The point here is that partners of Compulsive gamblers need to seek help for themselves. You can only change yourself. You cannot wait for them to do it. They cannot control it. They need barriers. The first obvious one is give up money, that means directly to you, no cards, no access, no bailouts. Compulsive gamblers are not bad people. They are addicts who seek solace in gambling. There is something wrong, they need help. They never want to talk, open up, they want to escape. You and only you can change this situation. Reality is you are letting this continue. Find help for yourself. Stop making excuses. The problem is you are accepting this bad behaviour. What will you do if he gambles, make more excuses? Compulsive gambling is an emotional illness, a mental health issue. If nothing else call gamcare, get some literature about addiction. This is a cycle of  gambling, debt, confession, forgiveness, bailouts, gambling, etc. Round and round it goes. Stop repeating this, stop waiting for someone else to sort it out. This is about you, what you're willing to accept. They don't gamble for a while then stop. It is uncontrollable, mentally damaging for everyone involved. This is for life. Look on websites for gamblers anonymous and gamanon and find a meeting. There is online too. Call gamcare, get help for yourself.

Hi. I read your post and it resonates with me. I’m in such a s**t situation and don’t really know what to do. My fiancé gambles. He has been to gamblers anonymous and stopped going. Counselling and stopped going. He’s abusive verbally when he gambled and I get annoyed and say something. We have a toddler under 2 and I’m worried about our future. I feel trapped as when it’s bad it’s really bad. He says he won’t leave and gets so angry. The gambling just never stops. Every month is the same. I have a good job and he just sees the money. I used to have holidays and now I have booked one for us as a family and he’s having a go st me wasting money when he wastes hundreds every bloody month. I just don’t know where to turn or what to do anymore. I feel responsible and don’t want to hurt him but I can’t see a happy ending to this story. 

Dear @afianceinhell ,

Sorry to read about your situation, it sounds like things are starting to turn quite uncomfortable and challenging for you and potentially your little one.

It is not quite clear from your post whether he has access to your money, but we would definitely advise that you separate finances, and that you at least have full control over your own money and assets, until he is ready to take action.

I would also urge you to call our Helpline on 0808 8020 13 or the Netline here to speak to an adviser 1-2-1.

Please also keep posting and reaching out for help, isolation will just exacerbate the problem.

Wishing you all the very best,

Eva

Forum Admin

Hi  Afianceinhell. As admin has said you need to separate finances. Call gamcare, get some help. There is gamanon online meeting Sunday 8-9 pm. People who can advise and support you. I'm guessing he doesn't see the problem and doesn't want to stop. You need to safeguard yourself. Don't let him manipulate you into funding his addiction or paying his debts. Can you find a gamanon meeting near you? Seriously don't suffer this alone. You are definitely not responsible for his behaviour, it's not your fault. Please keep yourself safe, try not to argue. Spending money on holidays is normal, not wasteful. When a gambler is in the grip of addiction they only want money to gamble, they don't see the normal use of money. It's an unhealthy relationship with money. He must know he has a problem as he's been to GA and had some counselling. In my experience me going to meetings made my husband realise things couldn't continue. If you find a meeting you will learn so much. Please get some help and support whichever way you chose, but don't keep suffering alone. 

Don’t suffer alone - move on and leave. I don’t know about the meetings but I don’t think they would help me because of the compulsive lying . The problem is you want to believe them. Even after 20 years of marriage you actually want to believe that something they say is true because in your own mind it makes you look like a fool . Gamblers are clever, over the years whenever questioned my husband made me think I was as much to blame for our bad finances as him. He told me that he only did things to please me i.e buy that house I wanted etc. and that’s what landed us in debt. Looking back I can see what a complete liar he was all along, the fact that he gambled our money away in the background and made out it was kind of my fault And I believed it all. Do not stay with a gambler. I would honestly prefer an adulterer at least there would be money to pay for school uniforms etc. I am so bitter I wish I had understood the gambling earlier on...

It's not our place to tell anyone to leave. 

It IS NOT anybody's place to tell somebody to leave or stay. People on the forum offer support and ideas of where friends and family of CG can get help for themselves so they can make the best possible decisions for their families.

Respectfully, I highly doubt you would have left your husband based on advice from people on a forum who know nothing about you. I'm not saying it wouldn't be the right decision for you but surely it's one that  rests in your hands alone.

Hi.

I'm with allbetsareoff on this one.  I was with my CG for 27 years and have had to call it a day. 

there has to be a point where you have to say enough of the lies and deceit.

Until they want to stop, there is nothing you can say or do to stop them and believe me I've tried. 

I wish I'd been given advice many years ago about what life is like with a CG.  The stress,money  worries and guilt trips .

It has to be your decision what you do, but knowing now , what I know,  I wouldn't have stayed as long as I did.

If you decide to stay. Please safeguard yourself . Ask for credit reports, bank statements, control over the finances and look after yourself and get as much help as you can and a good support network. 

Look after yourself