Do ultimatums ever work

Hi,

Really sorry to read your post above.

In my case an ultimatum did work because it was delivered at me. Wife said if I catch you in the bookies again I will leave you and take the kids. As well as I know my wife she would have carried it through.

Unfortunately that is the difficult decision - carrying it through to the bitter end if needed and continuing to carry it through.

Best wishes

Hi

Thank you Balvaird

This is so frustrating, its like hes on self destruct and no matter how rubbish his life gets the penny still doesnt drop for him. Id say hes not in complete denial any more but he's definetly not ready to choose recovery, stuck in some kind of limbo Id say.

We have done this before and its the hardest thing Ive ever had to do. The last time he had been sleeping rough and when he turned up begging to come home I couldnt refuse. I really thought he'd reached rock bottom and he was willing to do everything we asked of him so he could come home. He did a great job of fooling us, it turned out he'd never even tried to stop gambling it was just more manipulation and lies.

I love him as much as ever but theres a big part of me just doesnt want to know anymore, he's asked for my help so many times and each time it was a lie. Weve been living llike this for nearly 5 years now and its obvious he isnt going to change any time soon, so how long do we have to live like this, a year, another 5 years, forever ?

I think Ive just lived in hope that we would never get to this point, but I do know we have to follow through with what we've said otherwise this never ends.

Hi, AS67,

I'm so sorry to hear that it's more of the same.

I did give a "get help or get out" ultimatum when my son's bank statements came through last June. I had my son standing on one side of me and my daughter on the other as we confronted him but at that point, my husband was stubbornly in denial. I spent the next day trying to get his parents to tackle him, he refused to see them but he caved in that evening, before I had to take steps to evict him.

This time, when carrying out the intervention, such as it was, I didn't spell out the ultimatum but it was there in the background: the marriage could only continue if my husband agreed to see the Therapist. Previously, he has refused point blank to consider any form of therapy or counselling, other than meetings. He has nothing (in material terms), he's gambled it all and what's left is in my name. We discussed the crisis and I said that things couldn't continue as they were because we were all being damaged. Up to then, he'd threatened to go but only really thought of it in terms of escape. For the first time, he said that he had no idea what would become of him if he did have to leave.

It seems that for all his addict behaviour, when push comes to shove, my husband does know which side of his bread is buttered.

For me, carrying out the intervention was really hard because I thought that I would have to see the ultimatum through. My heart goes out to you. But once you get to the point that the alternative of living with the gambling is worse, you have to do what you have to do.

Take care,

CW

Hi Half life

The last time we were at this point he was told to leave,- felt we had no choice he was so out of control, he slept rough for few weeks and it seemed to do the trick. He begged to come home and he said he was desperate to stop gambling and would do what ever it takes. He did do everything we asked of him and our home was quiet and peacefull for once, but to cut a long story short even that was one huge lie, and manipulation, he never had any intention of stopping. He was very convincing we thought we were finally getting somewhere and it was only by accident I found out what hed been up to, just as bad as ever but better at hiding it.

The problem is he doesnt want to stop gambling, he wants to continue as he is unchecked and hes hell to live with.

I used to say that I can wait for my son to choose recovery and that when it happens it will be a slow process with bumps along the way. I was ok with that and knew he had my full support and I was prepared to be patient. However my opinion has changed, I do not want to live with a compulsive gambler any more, not even my son. I love him as much as ever but just cant live this way any more.

I still have no idea how any if this happened.

Thanks Cynical Wife

Im pleased to see theres some progress for you I hope it continues.

It is exactly that point as you say, I just cant live with him.

He is my youngest, and its breaking my heart, I can see how unhappy he is and want nothing more than to hug him and tell him its going to be ok, but its gone way past that. I cant help him, tried over and over and nothing has worked. Its a case of we have 2 horrible choices, live the way we are or live apart, both are ****.

I feel incredibly selfish, its not right to put yourself before your children, but I dont know what else to do.

XXX

Hi, AS67,

Our instinct is to put the children first but in the case of addiction, the best advice is counterintuitive. It's not selfish to put yourself first, oxygen on a plane? And what about your other children, your marriage, surely affected?

You've tried to help your youngest and he hasn't responded. It's not you that has failed, it's the attempts to help him haven't worked. Time for him to help himself.

Take care,

CW

I've seen ultimatums work and turn out badly. What helps form my perspective is a clear understanding of the situation. I hear many people say the if you gamble again your gone line. That really isn't helpful for someone with an addiction but I can understand why a family member with limited funds would insist it be so. I would always encourage going to an addiction charity and spending time working on communication and understanding. Also if a person isn't ready at that point, ok, but don't draw the line on them if you can.

Do ultimatums work? For those whom are maybe spending more time & money than they should on gambling,, possibly. For those whom are psychologically dependent upon their addiction , never. You say your son is clearly unhappy. Perhaps trying to work on what is behind his unhappiness with life will provide long term freedom for you all, or at least a place for you all to start from. Best wishes

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I'm so sorry for the pain this is causing you as67. I know the position you are in. You feel that an ultimatum will be enough to wake him up but I don't think it will :(. He is not there yet. He is so heavily into his addiction the future really means nothing to him. The only important thing is securing the money for the next bet.

If you need him out for a bit you are certainly entitled to that and please don't worry what others think... they don't have to live your hell. I know how incredibly frustrated you are as67 but unless you are 100% sure that you can follow through with it I would stay away from ultimatums - I don't think they will give you the answer you are looking for.

Again so sorry that things are so **** for you right now.

Peace and Hugs

Cathy

Hi

The ultimatum we have given our son isnt about gambling, I know that doesnt work.

We have told him many times that we love him and he has our full support, however we have insisted on some very basic rules for want of a better word. This includes being polite, never raising his voice to us or showing any agression towards anyone, it also includes paying us back a large sum of money of which part of he stole from us.

He has gone back to being surly, and point blank refuses to pay us back the very small weekly amount we had agreed on. All of his money goes on gambling plus any more he can get from his girlfriend, credit cards etc. He said "he doesnt see why he should pay us back".

Hes a very unhappy young man and Ive begged him to see our gp, and he still refuses. Im his Mum so if anyone can see hes hurting its me, he knows he can tell me absolutely anything.

Its the behaviour that goes with a cg I cant handle, and history tells me that when we get to this point his behaviour always gets worse. Its like living with a bully who thinks he can do what ever he wants.

Its true I dont want to live with a cg indefinetly but for now Id be ok with living with one who didnt treat me like dirt.

This has put such a huge strain onmy family, its nearly cost me my marriage and we rarely see our other son because he says he doesnt like coming home any more. Weve gone from a very happy family who spent so much time together to one where we barely speak to each other, although thankfully thats improving now.

I need a break for a while and will wait it out

Thanks everyone for your support

as67 wrote:

Hi

The ultimatum we have given our son isnt about gambling, I know that doesnt work.

We have told him many times that we love him and he has our full support, however we have insisted on some very basic rules for want of a better word. This includes being polite, never raising his voice to us or showing any agression towards anyone, it also includes paying us back a large sum of money of which part of he stole from us.

He has gone back to being surly, and point blank refuses to pay us back the very small weekly amount we had agreed on. All of his money goes on gambling plus any more he can get from his girlfriend, credit cards etc. He said "he doesnt see why he should pay us back".

Hes a very unhappy young man and Ive begged him to see our gp, and he still refuses. Im his Mum so if anyone can see hes hurting its me, he knows he can tell me absolutely anything.

Its the behaviour that goes with a cg I cant handle, and history tells me that when we get to this point his behaviour always gets worse. Its like living with a bully who thinks he can do what ever he wants.

Its true I dont want to live with a cg indefinetly but for now Id be ok with living with one who didnt treat me like dirt.

This has put such a huge strain onmy family, its nearly cost me my marriage and we rarely see our other son because he says he doesnt like coming home any more. Weve gone from a very happy family who spent so much time together to one where we barely speak to each other, although thankfully thats improving now.

I need a break for a while and will wait it out

Thanks everyone for your support

those around me took a firm line with anything financial. It was all hidden, tied up and I was never loaned money.

Love and support yes, but not money but your right, there does have to be agreed upon minimum acceptable behaviour even accepting for the emotional turmoil addiction brings about. Even if he goes else where for a night if he's bad

as67... you and your husband should do what works best for you period. This is your life, your home and you get to make the rules AND it only need work for you!

It is the behaviour that goes with a CG that is impossible to live with... the self centeredness... ME ME ME all the time. Sometimes I stand back and look at our situation as an outsider and realize our life is out of control. One person is holding an entire family hostage! My husband and myself are sometimes supporting each other and then other times at each others throats as we are both so frustrated. My other 2 kids are fed up with their brother and I know think ... why we don't "do" something about this. You and I both know easier said than done. I can talk a good story but still when it comes down to drawing a really hard line I crumble. Better than I used to be but still a long ways to go 🙁

Do what you need to keep yourself sane as67.

Cathy

Hi Amom

You've said it perfectly thats just how it is.

Its pouring with rain, its cold and Ive no idea where he is and the urge to go and find him and bring him home is unbearable. However he knows how upset I'll be and as always he'll use to his advantage and I cant promise myself I wont cave in and tell him to come home. The problem is if we dont stand our ground and insist he behaves like a half decent human being, its only going to get worse and this will never end.

It feels like Im damned if I do and damned if i dont theres no winner here, but I need a little break to try and rally myself again.

I really hoped we were past this, our home was quiet, the anger had subsided and I thought maybe we were getting somewhere. Its the feeling of here we go again, that I cant handle.

No idea where we go from here, just keep putting one foot in front of the other as you once told me.

Big hug and take care XOXO

Hello, again, AS67,

Don't forget the manipulation that goes with CG behaviour. You may have issued the ultimatum but who drove you to that point? Your youngest had a decent alternative that he rejected by his behaviour. His choice.

Focus on you, your husband and your other son.

Take care,

CW