Do ultimatums ever work

Apologies if my comments have caused any offence. I try as always to give an honest and fair support.

Best wishes tri x

Hi

Cynical Wife theres days I really dont like the person Ive became, actually Ive felt ashamed on occassion when Ive been reduced to a screaming match with him. I like to think that Im easy going, dont get angry too often but to be honest theres days when I cant stand the sight of him and he's left in no doubt as to what I think of him. These are few and far between but it makes me feel very uncomfortable.

Triangle Im not in the least offended, sorry Ive given you that inpression. I appreciate advice from both sides if the fence so to speak, please feel free to tell me what you think.

Ive no idea how long he will be away from home this time, or even if he comes back. I need a break and he needs a realtiy check and I think this is the best way to do both.

Thanks again x

Hi as67

I just want to add that when my husband was found out and I tried all I could think of to help him, I too was living in that awful state of frustration too. It was too much in the end, but more than that, the whole time he knew I was his safety net and took advantage. He NEEDED to be told to leave, I didn't give an ultimatum, just that enough was enough. It isn't a selfish move, my heart breaks that I've lost my husband, as you are devastated and worried sick about your son. But as a result slowly he has had to take steps towards recovery because he doesn't have me to fall back on. I'm sure you've heard all this before. My heart still belongs to my husband and always will, but I strongly believe he would still be gambling if he was still under our roof. There are no guarantees of course but staying put and continuing the cycle doesn't help anyone.

Hi Katiecola

We've done this back and forth a few times now and when he comes home he promises he's going to sort himself out and he starts off well but it never lasts. Eventually we get to this same point every time.

Im told that he has to feel that his life is so bad he wants recovery for himself and I thought after all thats happened he would of wanted it by now. I know his rock bottom is going to be something really bad and it frightens me so much I think thats what holds me back from saying leave and dont come back.

The idea of not having my son in my life is too much but I know we are his safety net and I know he wont change while hes got us. I just need to find the courage to say enough is enough.

Hi me again

Ive just spoke to him and hes in complete denial, says he hasnt got a problem. I thought we were a bit further along than that.

I thought Id be gutted to hear that but its actually making it easier to tell him to go away.

Thanks everyone for all the support and advice.

X

Hang in there as67! Just because he's still in denial doesn't mean he's not scared! My mum is adamant that she doesn't have a problem despite living under my roof with all her wages coming to me...I am grateful that she is manipulative, not aggressive! The fight reaction is still kicking in with your boy & you are absolutely right to expect civility in the least. Let your frustrations give you strength but don't let them make ultimatums that you cannot go through with!

You are doing great, I wish you every strength and continue to hope that he finally realises you are there for him just as you always have been & reaches out for help!

Hi as67 I'm so sorry to read things have reached this point again, you must be so upset. As parents all we want to do is help our children whatever their age. You must feel helpless at what to do next if nothing is working. I'm sorry there are no answers that can make things better for your son and you and your family. Please take care of yourself, go to your gp's and ask for some help for yourself. Hugs to you - wcid

Hi as67...

"When we can no longer change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves" - Viktor E. Frankl

Sometimes during some of my more trying times ( and there have been a lot lately 🙁 ) I think of this quote (its actually my screen saver). It gives me strength and reminds me to not let the gamblers life dictate mine.

Cathyxxx

Hi asif,

I am sorry to read that your son is still in denial, he may now be feeling too ashamed to open up, and scared of talking honestly to you. he will always be your son and you will always be there for him, nothing can change that.

My son stayed away for 18 months around 4 years ago, I had some cash hidden he took it from under my nose, plus some of my gold jewellery that had sentimental value, I did not realise until he went home, I could not get touch with him, but later that day, he sent me a Facebook private message, saying he was very sorry but he needed the money, he was going to be working away and would pay me back when he returned in 3 months, it was 18 months before he came to the door like a lost sheep, I kept an eye on him, through his brother so I knew he was ok, after the anger and pain subsided from him stealing from me, I started to really miss him, I need that break, he did pay me back, but my jewellery was lost, I don't bring this episode up, I have let it go, because he has changed, he has taken responsibility for some stuff, but I would never trust him again, and I will never lend him money again, but I am there for him in every other way, and I know he is now there for me.

No consolation to you at this time, I know, but I do understand the pain and stress of it all,

The thing is if you do not see him for a while, he will come back, and you will be there for him, he has to do this himself, nothing you say or do will change him, he has to run the course, but it doesn't mean he will hit total rock bottom, my son didn't.

I hope this helps,

Take care and concentrate on the rest of your family, he is still there in the background.you won't lose him.

Suzanne xxx

Hi

Thanks again every one, your support helps more than you will ever know.

As you all know the hardest bit is accepting that I cant do anythying, and Im weary from trying so I need to rethink somethings.

I tell others in the same position to leave their cg alone and I seem to of forgotten to do that for myself.

I need to start remembering the good things in my life, and enjoy them instead worrying constantly what my son is doing.

Amom thank you for that quote, its now my screen saver too.

X

How are you?

CW

I can completely emphasise with your situation. I have just ended it with my partner who was a compulsive gambler/liar and I now think he was a Physcopath. I loved him with all my heart, but I will never see or speak to him again for what he has done to me, this decision took quite awhile to come to, but ultimately it was the only think to save my sanity. The CG doesn't give you one thought only think about them self and their needs. Walking away is the hardest decision you will ever have to make but in my opinion it's the right option for you. Spend sometime looking after yourself and the rest of your family, sending love and hope your way x

Hi All

I never learn.

My son is home again after I gave in, I fell for the usual, promises he makes and I hated the idea he was out in the bad weather.

He said hes turned a corner , wants our help, etc etc, and of course it was all a load rubbish. Within 24 hours of being home he'd forgotten all the promises and hes as horrible as ever.

Ive really lost my temper with him today after he had done something spiteful and selfish and instead of the apology needed I just got the usual mouthful. I had to walk away I cant stand the sight of him and Ive been out for the day to stay away from him.

Hes not going to change, hes as selfish and bullying as ever and I cant bare to be anywhere near him. I know how to talk to him, not to be confronting, ask him if I can help blah blah done it all a thousand times and what do I get back ? just a thoroughly rotten attitude and spitefullness. He doesnt give a d**n about any of us. I might love him but I can say quite confidently its turning to hate.

He doesnt want recovery and basically wants to stay here and do what ever the hell he likes, he treats us with contempt and our home like a squat. In a perfect world he would go and find somewhere to live and he'd be happy and healthy and we'd all get a long great. In realtiy hes going to have to be forced out and to punish us he'll cut us out of his life for good, its the way he works.

I have no desire in the slightest to help him any more I just want him to go away and leave me alone.

Sorry for the rant, rough day.

X

Sorry to hear this. Wish I had a solution. I don't. An impossible situation. My thoughts are with you

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Please don't accept that there isn't a solution, there is - you just haven't found it yet. It looks like in the short term, for the sake of your sanity and the rest of your family you are going to have to tell him to sling his hook, maybe he is at an age where he should sort his own c**P out and you just have to leave him to it. If he does cut you out of his life altogether, surely it won't be permanent? And quite honestly, do you want to be part of the c**P that comes with him at the moment? You must do what's right for you and for the rest of your family. Gamblers are selfish, we believe the world revolves around us and it doesn't. Your life mustn't revolve around him or he will continue to display the same behaviour as there are no consequences. Be strong, you can get through this.