Do ultimatums ever work

Hi, AS67,

So sorry to hear it. The problem is the follow through, easy enough to say follow through but a nightmare to do it.

GamAnon has been mentioned before, I think there may be on line meetings but if you can't access any meetings, I'd still recommend their literature. The updated versions of their booklets about how we interact with the gamblers are worth a read, especially the one that caused me such consternation recently. And the GC helpline's still available to you.

Look after yourself,

CW

Hi

Thnak you for the advice, I really appreciate it.

Cynical wife I would love to go to a GamAnon meeting but its just not possible, and looking at their website there are publictions available but only in meetings, you cant get them on line. However there is an online meeting on a Sunday night that I'll have a look at. I have spoken to Gamcare several times and they have been great but I feel a bit like Im wasting their time, nothing changes and I just tell them the same things every time.

twinklyr, my son is an adult but only just, however hes still an adult so in theory he should be able to stand on his own two feet. There have been a few times now when he's been told to get out, none of them good he went under force and one of those times it involved the Police. We live in the country side and theres no shelters or any other emergency housing near, and hes worn out his welcome with friends a long time ago. The last twice he left he was living rough and as a parent it was unbearable and thats my weakness. Apart from the last time we'd given him plenty of notice, offered to help him find somewhere, move in and get him settled but each time hes refused to go and we've literally had to throw him out. Absolutely awful situation and I would like to avoid that if at all possible.

Each of those times hes gone hes been more and more hateful and said some dreadful things including, he doesnt have any parents any more, how badly we've treat him plus some other things I cant repeat. Of course I know its him lashing out but its still awful and hes so spiteful he will cut us out of his life because he knows how much it hurts us. Eventually he calms down and a spell living rough brings him to his senses and he comes back begging for forgiveness and promises to be a reformed person. Each of those times I really thought this is it, its his rock bottom but it never lasts and the last time he went to some great lengths to conivince us he was a changed person until we found out yet again it was all a lie. I am certain that if he leaves for good he will do as he says and cut us out of his life for ever, hes very spiteful. Im starting to think that maybe that can only be a good thing at least we'll get some peace.

Ive no idea if what we are doing is the right thing, Id say probably not given that nothing has changed. We are at our wits end and dont know what to do for the best, all we seem to do is go round in circles and its hell.

I never thought you could love someone and hate them at the same time especially my own child, and I never thought that I cant even bare to look at him.

Thanks again for the support

So sorry as67. ODAAT for you... keep getting up putting one foot in front of the other and trust that WHATEVER you do is right for you at this moment.

Love

Cathy

Thank you Amom

Ann xxx

Hi, AS67,

I'd send you my copies but the anonymity of the forum works against that. Hopefully the on line version of GamAnon might be useful. Clutching at alternative straws, is there a newcomers or open GA meeting accessible to you? The regular main meetings are normally only open to GA members but if you went early, before the main meeting started, the chairperson may be able to help, at least with some literature to leave round the house? Not sure if GA can access the GamAnon literature but they'd usually have something.

Just a thought. Take care,

CW

Hi AS67 and CW...don't mean to poke my nose in but if you need to exchange info there might be a way. Some time back ODAAT held out her hand to me away from this forum and I gladly accepted. She asked gamcare to contact me and I had to agree for them to give her my email and hey presto we became email friends. I'm sure they'd do the same for you to pass over the GA literature.

I can't think of anything to say that will help the situation you're in AS67. It's a real lose-lose and you're damnded whatever you do. You're not alone in being able to love someone and hate them at the same time though. With what you're going through I think that's a perfectly natural response.

Take care.

LifeBegins x

Hi

Cynical Wife, the closest GA meeting to me is nearly 50 miles away, then the next closest is nearly double that in the opposite direction. Theres other factors that along with the distance make it impossible for me to go, but I am going to contact them and see if they will send me some of their literature.

Life Begins, thank you for your suggestion but as Cynical Wife says she cant send me the information herself and I totally understand the reasons why.

I had some excellent counselling a while ago and I seem to of forgotten a lot of what I learned so I need to get back to that. My husband pointed out to me today that I seem to of forgotten about taking that step back we all talk about, and have got dragged in to my sons mind games again. I didnt really notice it happening and could kick myself for it but at least now I know.

Our lives have revolved around our son for so long living this way is normal for us, and thats just not right so theres quite a lot round here needs to change.

Hi, AS67,

If the Forum Admin would assist, I would be pleased to send it to you anonymously via GamCare. It does address the issue of mind games in some detail, I'm sure you would find it worthwhile. Let me know via this thread.

BW,

CW

Thank you Cynical Wife, I would like to take up your offer if its at all possible.

Will try.

Posted it today.

day@atime wrote:

Sorry to hear this. Wish I had a solution. I don't. An impossible situation. My thoughts are with you

​

Gambling addiction is hell for the compulsive gambler and all those around them. Addiction takes in all the wrong ways. I wish all the best to the people involved.

Hi

Thanks very much Cynical wife, look forward to reading it, he's been on top form to day with "mind games" still staggers me the things that come out if his mouth.

Hi as67 - I'm really sorry things have not improved for your family. It's not easy to watch your son behave in this way. I understand when you say he is an adult and should stand on his own two feet, one minute were so mad at them and the next minute we feel sorry for them. I am guilty of doing/helping my own son through this more than I maybe should have but so far it seems to be working although I know he has a long way to go. You certainly don't deserve to be treated like this in your own home by someone you are trying to help! You know your son is lashing out, saying things to hurt, he probably doesn't mean it and has lost control although that doesn't make it feel any easier. I'm sorry I have no suggestions for you, i just hope your son realises what he is doing to you and to himself soon. Take care -wcid xx

Hi as67 does your son work? Where does his money to gamble. Does he use online gambling or betting shops. sorry for the questions just trying to get info to think of suggestions. - wcid xx