Do ultimatums ever work

Hi WCID

Yes my son works, and every penny of his wages and more if possible goes on gambling, his wages are usually gone in minutes. Most of his gambling is done online but he does sometimes go to the bookies or slot machine but that tends to be when hes ran out if money and hes searching around for literally pennies. I have no idea how he still has a job, hes had several warnings for lateness and slacking with his work, plus hes always saying how much he hates it.

Ive seen a lot of his bank statements and it really is enough to make me feel physically sick, its all gambling and its every site you can think of.

We've tried everything to stop him gambling, blocked gambling sites with our internet, and many other things but all he does is go elsewhere to gamble. I once managed to get his phone (normally glued to his body) but he got nasty and I ended up throwing it back at him.

We know how to be encouraging and do our best to understand, we're not confrontational and he knows how much we love him and he has our support. However the simple fact is he doesnt want to stop, and he's horrible to be around. My husband refuses to talk to him unless he really has to, he's says he doesn't want our help and he's done too many awful things to just forget it all. I should say my husband is the kindest man you can meet hes also a brilliant dad and would do anything for our kids so for my husband to be like this shows just how bad our son is, Id like to say we can forgive but I think with some if things hes said they cant be forgotten. This behaviour is directed just as us and his girlfriend on occassion, he chooses to treat us badly, he can be vile to us then go to work and be the quiet polite young man that everyone else gets to see.

I dont think my son will want to stop until he literally is at rock bottom, and its the rock bottom that scares me so much, but I do know it has to happen.

X

Oh as67 yep looks like you and your husband have tried everything you can. This addiction has made him out of control. He is only young, he has so many good times ahead without gambling if only he was in the correct mindset to see that. It's a very sad situation. Take care - wcid

Hi, AS67,

Not sure how helpful this observation is, but it strikes me that "divide and rule" applies to parents v girlfriend as well as parent v parent and also parent v sibling. There's no point in your jumping through hoops not to finance the gambling if the girlfriend is enabling instead.

Is there any realistic prospect of a single combined strategy, so that your son gets the same message about boundaries and gambling from his parents and from his girlfriend?

Look after yourself,

CW

Hi

My husband, other son and myself were originally all agreed on what was the best thing to do and have tried hard to get through to him.. However over time my husband and other son say they've had enough and dont want to try and help him because he doesnt want to stop. I totally understand and I feel like that most of the time and am struggling to even look at him, most days. At the moment my son comes and goes with out a single word, its like we're strangers.

His girlfriend drives me mad, we had always got on very well but she does enable him all the time, to the point where he regularly steals from her and she does nothing about it. I have tried to talk to her about it but was told to get lost and mind my own business, because its obvious that I dont support him and he needs her. She doesnt see he's manipulating her, or maybe doesnt want to. She is his achilles heel, if she left him Im sure it would definetly be a turning point for him.

We seem to of reached a stalemate, and I feel stuck in the middle. I know we're not helping by letting him live here, my husband says its up to me to say when he leaves because he had enough ages ago. Its horrible knowing that Im the one who says wether he stays or goes and either way its going to be miserable.

Thank you for the advice and support

Hi, AS67,

Nightmare for you, I'm sorry. Perhaps remind your husband that all decisions are joint and responsibility is shared? Then you won't feel burdened that the casting vote is yours.

Take care,

CW

Hi As67 how is everything going with you x

Its heart breaking reading these stories.

I dont think ultimatums work to stop gambling but they may save an abusive home atmosphere in which money is stolen. Its heart wrenching what gambling does to peoples minds and how it destroys family relationships. I understand how difficult it is.

A key point mentioned is that" he is a very unhappy young man" This is an important issue in that a self destruct element takes over for no obvious reason. On the face of it I could look ok, but I had become deeply unhappy. I have always suffered for some reason and theres some mental condition where Im a pessimistic and down type of person

I went to the doctor a few days ago to finally get on with that. After a chat where I poured it all out, I was given an IAPT prescription to make more appointments with counselling, online or group sessions. Im not sure about online or group but I will see where it leads me. I will keep pressing the matter until I feel Im getting the right help. Im not sure what they can do but I need to talk about it

It was a young doctor who was very nice. It is a bit embarrassing pouring it out but good at the same time. I think its something that must be dealt with as a mental illness by the doctor.

There shouldnt be any shame in admitting a mental illness. I had reached a stage where I saw no joy in the future. I saw getting a new girlfriend and raising a family as trouble. I started to see any human relationship as trouble and withdrew into myself. Gambling played havok with my ill mind. I have to admit I was ill and still am to some degree. I feel much better gamble free and this allows me to face up to why life gets me down

It was just to mention that it does all need looking into by the medical profession

Hi

WCID Im afraid nothing has really changed, its quiet for the moment but for a few days last week we had an awful time with my son. I call it Ground Hog day, we just keep doing the same things over and over and I know it wont change, he doesnt want to stop.

We dont ask a lot from my son but even the little we do ask he just cant do, he still behaves badly towards us, and it is only towards us which makes it worse nobody else gets the monster. I can wait for my son to choose recovery its the behaviour that comes with the addiction thats too much to live with. He's always had our support and love but I know that we will continue as we are unless we do something and for us that is he either stops treating us badly or he finds somewhere else to live.

Im sure in some way we are enabling him just by putting up with his bad behaviour, and Im certain he doesnt want to change because he's basically too comfortable the way he is and doesnt see why he should. He will be told this week what we expect from him ,-basically just to not treat us badly - and he either agrees or he will be leaving. Of course I dont want him to leave but Ive accepted that its more than likely its the way its going to have to be. We will love him and support him where ever he is but wont be treat badly by our own child any more.

Joydivider - I agree with you about the mental illness part, Im sure my son at least has anxiety and probably depression. Ive literally beggedhim on many occassions to go and see our gp, but he refuses every time. I wish I could force him to go but he'still so far in denial that he refuses to admit he has a problem.

I can see a very unhappy young man and he does have very low self esteem and I would nothing more than be able to help him with that he wont let me. However as low as he is and its obvious he needs help he still chooses to treat us very badly, but as I said everyone else gets the "nice" him we get the full brunt of his horribl behaviour. I would understand more if we had been bad parents but he's had exactly the same up bringing as his brother, we've done our very best by both of them, they both know how much we love them. Its put such a huge strain on my family, my marriage andbe honest my mental health and we feel we are left with no choice but to start looking after ourselves.

I am very pleased to hear that you found the strength to get the help you need, I hope you continue in your path to recovery and go from strength to strength.

Best wishes

Hi as67. I just read your post to a worried mum. I'm so sorry:(.Your son is "sick" but refuses to acknowledge his illness. Please don't be hard on yourself for what you did or didn't do. You are doing the best you can each and everyday. Our journey is not one for the faint of heart.

"The world breaks everyone, and afterward some are strong at the broken places: - Ernest Hemingway

Love as always to you

Cathyxx

Hi as67

Sorry if this has been mentioned already - but can you make his living with you strictly conditional on him attending therapy/counselling/GA? It sounds like he's in denial with regards to his behaviour, no matter that it's very obvious to others.

Or another condition would be some kind of family mediation? This could either be done professionally or if there was some kind of person you knew locally, someone with suitable qualities, who was willing to act in this capacity (I'm not suggesting you're at fault but if it's sold as family mediation it might make him more willing to engage).

I suppose what I'm getting at is the need to have his living with you conditional on him agreeing to something concrete and recovery related. This would be in contrast to his more general sweet talking/promising the earth.

I realise that this still requires tough action were he fails to engage - but if there is a pattern emerging of him coming back to you cap in hand, then it might be that you can get more leverage out of him at that point?

Best

Louis