hi I'm new to this so not quite sure what to write so sorry if I babble on.
I've been with my partner for three years now and he's always had the odd bet online on horses. But recently it's increased a lot. A few months back he gambled hundreds away including his dad's winnings ( he puts his dad's bets on through his online account). He then started betting more to try and win the money back but kept on loosing. He than started asking me for money and I at the time said he could have £20 ( I didn't know he had lost all his dad's and his money at this point) he said was enough. However he took The 20 but then kept adding more from my bank account adding up to about £200 on the one day. Needless to say I was very annoyed and told him not to take money out my account again and that he needed to tell his dad that he had gambled his money away. He then told me he coulnt tell his dad as he would go mental. After gambling more money away over the next few weeks head eventually found out that my partner had lost his money and my partner said he was going to stop betting. Which he did for a week or so.
His betting has now increased yet again and he's betting on everything he can online taken £449 out of my account with out sayalone and about another £600 out of his. When I questioned him about it he tried to deny it even after I showed him the proof. He the. Yet again said he would stop but was stil on his phone constantly looking at flash scores and on ****** and said he was only looking. I questioned how much he had bet that day and reluctantly said £60 but hid his phone when he was looking. I didn't trust what he was saying so wrongfully I signed into his account and saw he had spent £167 but he still denied it. His mood changes constantly when he is betting and if he looses he becomes very angry flips at the slightest thing. If he's not been able to bet and a team or horse wins that he had a feeling about he goes mental. He says he bets cause he has nothing to do and that he doesn' drink or smoke so it's ok. When I said I think you need to stop or cut back he says it's not that easy to stop and compares it to me smoking. I said I'm addicted to smoking and questions if he was addicted to gambling and he said "no I've not got a problem I can pick and choose when I bet" and said I'm the one with the problem. Am I just over thinking things or does anyone else think heras a problem? Sorry for babbling on loads lol
I would say someone who commits a crime(stealing from both you & his dad) has a very real problem indeed
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Hi Linzi
Speaking as a person who gave gambling (and smoking) up 2.5 years ago - I'm afraid he sounds unquestionnably a gambling addict. Just like you're a 'smoking addict' - difference is your whilst your harming your long term health, he's causing major short and long term harm (devastation) to himself, you, his father and others.
Unlike smoking, where you tend to level out at X amount of f**s per day, gambling is generally progressive, ie it snowballs. That's scary when you think about it as there really can be no 'breaking point'.
Lies unfortuantely are definitely part and parcel of the gambling addiction. As is trying to rationalise (it's ok, I don't drink, etc), as are mood swings, as is blaming others for your situation. Add to the list, I used to think I was 'different' and that gambling addicts were stupid. But most of all, I was in denial to myself that I was an addict - only the aftermath of a large loss would I consider the possibility I was an addict (in spite of spending around £500 per month for 16 years. Nuts eh?!).
There's a lot of brilliant advice in this section from 'other halves' in your situation. Read as much as you can. Protect yourself.
Best wishes
Louis
Thank you very much. Well done Louis on being smoke and gambling free for 2.5 years. I'm just scared that he doesn't ever realise he has a problem. It's only now I've realised he has a problem. It's causing so much problems and he hardly ever talks about it, if I try taking to him( and I do it calmly ) he just gets all defensive no starts turning it around on me saying I'm a pyhco and that he can do what he likes. Is there anyway I can help him if he can't admit it? Is there any way to make him see he has a problem?
He says he will stop and I want to believe him, he has said it before and did stop gambling for a short while but started again. I want to trust that he can and will give it up but I'm scared cause I think he will do well the. start doing the odd bet here and there then end up back here gambling hundreds away. I want to have the trust in him but I don't know if I should after reading what people say on here.
Even as I write this he's on c****s and says he will transfer £40 into my account so he hasn't got the money to gamble and is laughing about the fact I think he has a problem and saying I don't have a clue. I don't know how to make him see. It scares me cause I don't want to have to leave him to protect myself and my children, but I'm scared that if he doesn't realise thatbhe has a problem I'm going to have to. It's not even necessary the money it's the things he says and the lies and the denial that hurt me and even when I tell him this he just tells me to grow up and get a grip. So I feel stupid and that I'm being irrational, but am I ?
Hi Linzi,
I'm an ex partner of a CG. You are not being irrational at all. I've been where you are now and being made to feel stupid, mad even is all part of the package when living with an active CG. You're right it's the lies that hurt the most and the turning things round on us which is just horrible. I really feel for you. My husband refused to put any concrete barriers up after I discovered the devasting truth about his secret life and massive debt and as a result he is no longer living with me and our 2 girls. I wouldn't say I'm happier but life is much calmer. My husband stole from me too and it just got to the point where I felt I was almost letting him get away with it- what could I do? If I reported it he would have lost his job. But back to you- have you spoken to gamcare? Confide in a friend or family member, I found talking really helped me. As half life says he can only help himself so you must look after yourself and your children. You can't make a CG see they have a problem- it just leads to unbearable frustration in my experience. Keep posting.
Hi, Linzi,
I am also the wife of a CG, long term married, kids growing up. He has been clean - I think - for three months. Prior to that he had been gambling for at least one decade and possibly two. For most of this I didn't have a clue but I did know something was wrong. And like you, I thought it was me. I thought that the mood swings, the detachment, the sheer unreasonableness and refusal to meet me half way, I thought all were down to me and that our relationship was normal, the ups and downs of married life. It wasn't normal and I missed out on attention, love and security as the OHs of active CGs do. I don't recommend it.
When I discovered it first time round, I got the sort of response that you're getting, denial of addiction or any problem other than mine, lies, blame. He said he'd stop to do me a favour but the secrecy about his finances continued and I didn't push it. With hindsight, the red flags are obvious. I let myself believe him and didn't listen to my own common sense. With hindsight, a huge mistake but when you're caught up in it, confusion reigns. I recommend reading this forum and getting as much information as possible so that you know what you're dealing with and you know that you're not alone.
It all blew up again in June and of course he hadn't stopped. The bank statements showed that I had been paying for everything whilst he gambled his wages and that he'd taken the children's savings a long time ago.
This time round, he has stopped and the difference is very noticeable. He goes to GA, he handed over full financial control, including his share of the house, he cooperates with the barriers. It's out in the open and therefore easier to manage. But not easy, the damage that has been done is huge. I can see that he's making an effort but he would like to draw a line and move on - very common - but I can't yet, it's still early days.
Get as much help as you can and put yourself first, don't let him manipulate you.
CW
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