Does it get easier?

Nope. The chances of a relapse are always there. If you can settle for that reply all will be good.

I have gambled for 35 years. I have relapsed more times than I can count. I have wasted 2 families and I am as open and honest about this as you can get.Eventually you get wiser and you develop survival skills.

A relapse is not always a bad thing.But the lust for the game takes an awful long time to forget. There is no other way to explain it. So whatever comes from your experience. You need to always have a plan B and always have protection for you. There is no other way around it.

This takes a h... of a long time to fix. Lot's of people never manage to get of it but some do.

I wish you well

Best

C

@guitar123 

If he is doing all the right things regarding his recovery then there’s a good chance he’ll keep recovering.
The addiction never leaves but recovery keeps it at bay. What generally happens is people stop going to GA or working on their recovery and when that urge comes back the addict doesn’t have anywhere to get rid of it and that’s when they start on the slippery slope to relapsing. It’s called complacency, thinking you’ve got it beaten.

I’ve relapsed before because I had no way of dealing with my feelings. GA gave me an outlet and because I’d stopped going I didn’t deal with those feelings correctly.

Within GA there is a program called the 12 steps. It’s a recovery program about change, and that change helps in recovery. It has helped me stay off a bet for longer than ever before but also given me an insight into myself which has helped me develop strategies against relapsing. 
I couldn’t say that I wouldn’t gamble again, but something I have learned that is so simple that more people should know this, and is that I have a choice. It’s the only choice in gambling that I have. I can choose to place or not place that first bet. It’s that simple, and every day I choose to not place a bet. I don’t have a choice over the 2nd or 100th bet but as long as I don’t place the 1st bet I’ll be okay.

So to summarise my own experience, it’s always there waiting but as long as I attend my meetings (2 hours a week) and continue to work a program then I can keep my gambling at bay. If I stop that then potentially at some point I could relapse. It’s not a difficult choice.
It does get easier with time but as long as I remember to give the addiction the respect it deserves I’ll be okay.

Just to touch on the money side of things, giving over of money isn’t meant to be forever. If you are both happy with your arrangement keep going as it sounds like it’s working, but remember you are just preventing access to the money, not controlling it. Don’t feel all that responsibility for someone else’s behaviour.
Your support is fantastic and exactly what the gambler needs but it’s support only and the gambler has to take responsibility for their life at some point. But if it’s working keep at it.

Hope that helps.

Chris. 

Hi

For me the first-year gamble free was one of the hardest as I was still vulnerable and  to some extent still ignorant to all that needed doing.

As I got more honest with myself, I was able to open up more in meetings yet not quite ready to open up to my wife.

The recovery program was a healing process and could only take place once I was abstaining from my addiction but also admitting to myself my pains and my fears.

Sadly, an addict is often very hard on them self and have not yet found a way to forgive and heal our self.

The lies were often fear based in me and when I escaped to my addiction I could not care or love myself.

Your support is and was important the addict often does not understand his own unhealthy reactions.

But in time as he heals and faces his fears, he will build a healthier relationship with himself and with you.

The choice to take recovery seriously and invest more time and more effort is all up to him.

When an addict is vulnerable making calls can be very helpful in reducing fears.

For me clearing all the debt reduced our anxiety and stress.

But it gave us more choices in our life.

Being under financial burden can be hard and embarrassing.

Not being in control of finances was helpful for my recovery.

There came a time when I could trust myself with money.

Living in fear anxiety and worrying about an addict is not healthy live for one day at a time.

Living in fear and worrying never resolved things in my life.

The question is what is the very worst that can happen just for today.

The simple fact that I was emotionally vulnerable long before I married my wife.

What I did not know was my wife was also emotionally vulnerable long before I married her.

So, once I opened up and talked about my pains and my fears my wife was free to talk about her life.

So, in a way our relationship was much healthier because I had an addiction and went to the recovery program as well as attended counselling sessions many times with 11 different counsellors.

Once the healing process worked for me, I was open to healthy emotional intimacy, my fears reduced which helped my wife’s fears reduced, in us both working on our needs our wants and our goals we tendered to work better together.

My control issues indicated how inept inadequate and insecure I was.

There were many times my wife lived in fears and felt very emotionally vulnerable yet was not able to talk it out.

Now there are no fears in us, we are both open books, and our relationship is much healthier than it ever could have been without recovery.   

Working as a team and talking things out works very well.

Less unhealthy reactions and more healthy interactions is what recovery is all about.

I was not evil bad or stupid I was just emotionally vulnerable.

Once recovery worked for me, the healing process worked on our relationships and making healthier choices each day.

The simple truth is recovery for compulsive gamblers it was very low.

Good question is relapse inevitable?

The reason I went back to gambling again and again was I was not healing my pains facing my fears or reducing my expectations of people life and situations.

Each time I went back to gambling it was important to understand what my last emotional trigger was was.

To change my unhealthy reactions and learn from each breakout.

Not having finances, and little cash on my person was helpful.

Making telephone calls when I was vulnerable was very helpful.

Having a healthy sponsor who is nurturing and encouraging and who is able to have a two-way street sharing and intimacy.

Thank you for your wondering questions and open up to honesty.

Does it get easier with time or worse?

In all honesty it gets harder before it gets healthier.

An addict goes through several stages, gives up denial, admits to the pains he wants to heal, is committed to investing time and effort into his recovery.

Often meetings cause more questions than answers.

In 50 years of my recovery there have been meeting after meetings which have gone on for several hours.

In those shares you often get the light bulb moment where people get to understand truly what recovery is about, healing and facing our fears finding intimacy with our self and with others.

In therapies once we open up our fears reduce, our trusts grow, our intimacy grows, and our understanding grows.

In time we take each of our unhealthy habits and change them into healthy habits.

As we both heal, we both grow closer to each other. 

Reduced more fears set us both free.

Thank you for your sharing and your questions.

If your partner finds a healthy healing recovery, you will also find a healthier life in yourself.

Love and peace to everyone

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham UK

For a gambling addict it can get easier but the relapse is always possible, we need to keep our guard up , i have several times , i'm 66 days gambling free but i've been here before. I think your partner has done really well , you will always be anxious but you can calm this by checking credit files for yourself and your partner , controlling the finance , enough for some freedom but not enough to go burn it in a casino or bookmaker. You will always have to control, but this happens in relationships sometimes without gambling, it can be just good housekeeping.

Thank you for posting and sharing your thoughts. I am a partner of a compulsive gambler and i can very much relate to what you are saying. The thought of him relapsing almost gives me a panic attack. I’ve been very open to my partner that his addiction has an impact on my mental health and i myself need my own healing. My partner’s last gamble was 2+ years ago and with all honestly i can say we’ve never felt stronger now more than ever. The gambler will need to put in the hard work and commitment and all we can do is support. Three months after he confessed to me, he had a wobble. He didn’t relapse but he did try to gamble. Fortunately the gamstop worked then. Maybe he was also testing the barrier i’m not sure. I felt horrible and i remember very vividly his face when he did it, he looked so scared. My heart broke for him. I found out about it because he forgot to log out his email on my phone so i saw the email from the gambling site. We were both devastated but we learned loads from it. I really came to understand how strong the addiction is. And if gamblers do it it’s not out of disrespect or not because they don’t love their families, it’s because the addiction is a very serious illness. So you really need to put 100% hard work to fight it. You can never be complacent, the risk of relapse is just around the corner if you’re not putting in the work. Do i check his emails now? No because if he wants to gamble he will do so and will create loads of other email accounts. But i have my conditions. I need to see that he wants to stay in recovery. So he attends Ga at least 2x a week even when we’re on a holiday he makes sure to make time for it he finds an online meeting. I don’t ask him to do this but he’s the one to make sure he doesn’t overlook the meetings. He also completed the 12 steps Ga programme and now finding someone to sponsor. He doesn’t have access to savings. He manages his money in a sense that when he gets paid he sends me money for bills, mortgage and savings (that is kept in an account under my name only). The rest of the money left isn’t much but he can manage it himself and i get notifications of all his transactions (with his consent of course) on my second phone. I also have access to his credit report (again with his consent) to see if there are any searches which could mean he has applied for a loan. I agree with what Chris said above that the financial monitoring may not need to be permanent but I have explained to my partner that without this reassurance it will have a negative impact on my mental health. He understood and we’re happy for this to be the setup life long because it works for us. Every now and then i may still experience a moment of panic because of the trauma i went through.   For example when he had food poisoning i had a panic attack that he was faking it and brought all the memories from when he spent ages in the loo pretending to have GI problems when all the while he was gambling. But actually indeed he had a bad food poisoning, and then i felt sick of guilt after. So what i’m saying is that it’s not easy, but sticking by is definitely 100% worth it if your partner is showing commitment and strong will to stay in recovery. What if my partner relapses? It will break my heart but we will learn from it, find out what slipped through the net, revise the strategies and then soldier on. I was clear with him on that. I will support him, relapses and all if he is willing to put in the very hard work. If he relapses and keeps it a secret from me or if i start to see complacency or if i start hearing excuses that’s when i will give up. I was very clear with him that i love him so much but i also love myself so i can’t stay with him if will ultimately lead a life of self-ruin.

It is possible to fight the addiction and prevent relapses but it does require a ton of work. It is very much worth it though in return of the happiness and peace.