Don't know how to help

Hi VIcky, welcome to the Forum and thank you for sharing such an honest and heartfelt post.

You have every right to feel the way you do, and my heart goes out to you.

I have stopped gambling for over five years after gambling for twenty; I felt as you did once; I remember seeing a documentary when I was very young about a Father with three children who gambled everything away and ended up out on the street; I remember thinking how unbelievably selfish he was and how little he must have cared for their well-being.

Since suffering from this affliction myself, I now understand how different the reality is; i'm not making excuses for him, because he should have come to you much earlier, but I want to try and explain how a compulsive gamblers feels and reacts emotionally.

You have an element of control before you start; that is the point where he was probably telling himself that he could stop at any point and walk away, or think that he could win enough to solve your problems; it wasn't that he didn't care - obsession is a very powerful thing; it makes you want to believe the unbelievable.

The reality is that, once you start, you are almost always lost; you spiral into oblivion where life and consequences don't seem real - it is only when you stop or run out of money that reality hits you like a freight train, and often there is a great deal of damage that has been done.

He, like myself and everyone else here, is effectively mentally allergic to gambling - if you win, it makes you crave more of the same at higher stakes than before (which invariably leads to losing). If he loses, then he faces soul-wrenching heartache and desperation to regain what he has lost, which invariably leads to losing and then spending money he hasn't got. Other people can walk away - it just doesn't affect them in the same way.

In the end, money doesn't even enter into it; he chases the euphoria, not the money itself; the money fuels the potential for euphoria and nothing else. The best explanation I can give you is imagine you won £500.00 from a £1.00 scratchard that someone gave you - you would be over the moon, you would be ecstatic; that is what compulsive gamblers crave, that feeling - they want it all day, every day which just isn't possible. In effect, it is like a drug, which is why almost everyone needs to have help to come through it.

He clearly cares, and cares enormously, but he is letting this obsession take over and not doing enough to tackle the problem head-on. It is also unacceptable that he is still hiding his recent bank statements - your cards are all out on the table, you want to move forward so what is he hiding? You can't move forward with secrets still hanging over you my friend.

The positive thing is that he has admitted he has a problem, and is willing to let you see his statements from next month onwards - some compulsive gamblers never reach that stage, so it is encouraging that he is offering to do this. I would also agree with him to install blocking software on his Laptop/PC, like Gamblock, K9, or Betfilter - cancelling accounts is not enough, there needs to be a more effective method; if he is truly serious about stopping, then this shouldn't be a problem whatsoever.

I would then speak to him about seeking help or counselling; these are only preventative methods, he still needs to tackle the issue at hand - try not to be angry or judgemental, approach the subject as if he were a friend; try to work with him, maybe think about going to GA together so you can both feel and understand things a bit better; I have been a part of this Forum for seven years - this affliction doesn't discriminate; it affects anyone and everyone, good and bad, young and old, male and female, rich and poor.

I know you are hurting my friend, and I sincerely feel for you, but try not to take it hugely personally - this isn't the time; think of this along the same lines as a medical issue - he hasn't dealt with it, so it has got worse and had a serious effect on your lives. Now, he must deal with it immediately, as well as giving you absolute honesty from now on - no excuses, it has to be zero tolerance; ask him to contact you if he is feeling vulnerable or weak, ask him to phone you if he feels even remotely like gambling again.

If he buries his head in the sand, doesn't seek help and continues to hide things, then I would take that very personally indeed - he has a responsibility to get help and come through this for you and your daughter. That is what counts now my friend - he must give this his all and anything less is unacceptable. He didn't do this without caring, but if he doesn't seek help, then that really isn't caring or doing enough for all of your sakes, and your future.

JamesP

Thank you for getting back to me. I feel kind of helpless and I don't know of I'm helping him enough. I will defiantly tell him to ring me when he feels the urge to gamble as I know that most of his gambling is done on his phone whilst he is at work. I've also suggested to him that he contacts O2 to get parental controls put on his phone contract which would stop him accessing any betting sites from it.

I to believe him when he tells me he wants to stop but I also believed him 2 years ago when he said the exact same thing. I suppose only time will tell but I will be making him show me his bank statements in the future. I also know that I hurt him by telling him I would leave if he ever done it again, but I truly mean it and he knows that as I don't say things like that lightly.

I will tell him about this site and the counselling options. I know he finds it hard to talk to me about it and normally tells me more via text message than face to face, I think that's because he knows it upsets me a lot and he doesn't want to see me upset. It's helping me to read through this forum as im desperate to discuss how I feel with someone but I've promised him I won't tell my family or friends as last time I did and it made a really awkward atmosphere between everybody.

You're very welcome Vicky, no trouble at all,

He has to want to help himself; there is only so much you can do my friend - you can support him, restrict him, guide him as best you can but the want and the need to change must come from him.

If he finds it hard to talk to you, then ask him to write you a letter - it would be hard for anyone, and he is feeling great shame at the moment so it may be easier to commit his feelings to paper.

I would only involve family if you are desperate, or if things are beyond repair; they will understandably have a very damning opinion, which isn't their fault but it won't make things easier in the short-term.

As I feel for you, I feel for him too. I know what he is going through, I know how this can affect you; gambling made me anxious, tempramental, deceitful, emotional and much more besides; I am none of those things now and couldn't imagine being that way again.

If you can plan a way forward together and maintain a level of absolute honesty, then there is every chance you will be on a much brighter path. He must know and understand that it is the initial moment, before he starts to gamble, which is key; urges are only temporary, the soon pass and they lessen enormously in time. It is very hard in the beginning, but he can get there - there is nothing written anywhere to say he can't.

JamesP