Hi All,
Well I never thought I would be here…
so this maybe a long story but I want to try and give you as much detail as possible so you can understand the situation.
anyway, last night I uncovered over £20k’s worth of debt my partner has racked up and this looks like it was all lost in a month.
we have been together 13 years with 2 kids under 6, mortgage blah blah blah. Anyway he earns a good wage and I don’t do bad but our finances are separate. He usually gives me most of his weekly wage for bills etc and I handle all the finances and this has worked quite well but I have found in the last few months it has been really hard to get money out of him and I have been struggling and have to ask for money which frustrates me to ask.
Anyway we are meant to be getting married next month in Italy and 50 friends and family are booked to come. We had a bit of an unexpected tough year last year with having to remortgage our new build home which due to a mess the help to buy scheme is in we ended up on a variable mortgage for 6-7 months paying over an extra £1k each month. But we got debts down and things were looking good, or so i thought.
I have always known my partner has an addictive personality, he will get into something like the gym or maybe doing a car up and it’s all he thinks about and he spends all his money on what ever it is. Years ago he took out a 10k loan to do up a van which nearly broke us. Last year he took out credit only for £400 to by a console on Xmas day when he knew we would be remortgaging a few weeks later. I know it sounds daft but I was so so angry about that and again we were on the edge. I cannot stand secrets and lies and he is quite good at that but I am better at finding things out!
anyway I blame a lot of this addictive personality on his upbringing, being in care where he received a lot of abuse. Not that that is an excuse.
anyway as mentioned before we are meant to be getting married next month and due to the issues we faced with the remortgage process a lot of our money for the wedding was sapped up so I decided to take out a loan for the wedding which was fine we could afford it etc.
anyway fast forward to now, my partner sold his van and bought a new second hand van unfortunately this blew up in the motorway and £7k gone. He needs a van for his work so the only option and it would be a push was to look at lease vans. I did this, found him an ok deal sorted paperwork etc and they started the credit checks. Well I think he wasn’t approved with the first and we are waiting on another leader but I couldn’t understand why. Thinking we have a mortgage, he has a small loan but put it down to the new credit card he got to get away from high interest rates. This worried me because they gave him 8.5k and I told him this and to lower the limit.
anyway last night I thought I will just try to log into his credit file as I did have access at one point but I could only get into the credit expert one and I was nearly sick, £25k of debt.
5.5k on his new credit card
2.5k in his old one
9k in a loan which I thought was nearly paid off
2.5 k in over draft which was clear
He works away in the week and had to stay over last night so I called him confronted him about it and I said where is this debt from and he said I don’t know I will look into it. I said I need to know. I was so upset, I’ve always known he is no good with money but this is something else. He told me it was gambling and he’s ashamed blah blah blah but it’s stopped and he’s put bans on the sites and he will deal with the debt and pay it off which I kept telling him he obviously can’t. I questioned if we should even be getting married and how can I marry him when he’s lied.
anyway he came home first thing this morning and has gone straight in the bath and I haven’t seen him yet. I have gone from being upset and we have to deal with this together to so **** angry. I just don’t know what to say or do. I feel like after years of struggling and to get our house and have an ok life but struggle month to month we now have this to deal with as well as a wedding loan etc. and even though he is dating he will work extra etc I feel like it is me and the boys who will suffer.
I find if I control spending he’s ok for a bit but then has to have a blow out. I don’t know if it’s something from growing up and being denied things or what but I just feel if I take control which he wants me to do he will eventually get angry.
what is the best way forward if I’m going to stay with him? How can I make sure he has no access to gambling sites? That is my main concern. I always knew he was on a supposed free gambling app but this has lead onto paid ones.
I also think he has lost this money in less than a month and blamed it on working away and being bored in has hotel room not that that’s an excuse.
anyway I’m sorry about how long this is I just don’t know what to do or where to start.
Hi
So, I am the gambler and my husband is like you. It's an awful disease, one that takes alot of strength to conquer..it's worse than drugs and drink in my opinion.
If I have any advice at all for you it will be one of two options.
A. RUN NOW!!!
B. Stay and help him. But be warned, he'll only quit if he wants too. You know the saying you can lead a horse to water but can't make it drink. Well that's alot like gambling.
If I was you, I'd give him a chance to change and if nothing does. Option A
Good luck xx
Hi Daisy,
Same situation as Pourme88, I’m the gambler and my husband is like you!
Good advice above - if you decide to stay, he needs to tell you EVERYTHING! You make the rules up, and if he doesn’t follow them, then you have option 2!
I came clean to my husband in March 22 (well, he found out actually) but I wasn’t completely honest, I kept some stuff back! 5 months down the line I became complacent and started gambling again! Got to July last year and I had tripled the debt!
As of today I am 255 days gamble free! It can be done but he has to want to stop, for you and your children, but more importantly, for him!
Good luck 🤞🏻
@xj0biw2zva thank you for your reply. I would love to run, really I would. But with a mortgage and 2 kids it is not that easier. Plus we are meant to be getting married next month in Italy and as daft as it sounds I would feel so guilty to all the 50 people who have booked and paid a lot of money to come to our wedding. I know that sounds awful.
so last night when I found out he was working away. I called him and told him I felt like he had been really secretive for months and he needed to be more transparent, I said I needed access to his accounts. Which he agreed to but kept saying he will sort it. I said the debt is done now you you we need to sort. Anyway he got back today and straight away was on the defensive. If I have tried to talk to him about it he gets angry saying he will sort it, I’ve told him what he needs to do but he needs to do it. Told him he needs to talk to someone and I need access to his bank accounts but he said he will give me all his wages but he doesn’t want to give me his accounts. He said he will stop gambling but I said that’s not enough. He plays a free slot game on his phone always had. I told him that is gambling and he said it’s free but I said it’s still giving you the same kick so it needs to stop. He just doesn’t seem to understand it. He’s basically telling me what I want to hear but not going through with the actions.
I feel so upset and don’t know what to do. Usually I would talk to my sister or my friends but I can’t do that, I can’t have them knowing. I’m so embarrassed I’m meant to be marrying him. I feel so tired and drained. I have just said to him that 20k could have paid for us to go to Australia and Disney world…I think that hit home. As awful as it sounds I want him to walk out the door and then I can just carry on. He definitely has a spending problem, massive addition problems…but I think drugs might have been easier to handle
@cpparch thank you and well done for dealing with your issues. I have just replied to the person above which probably replies to yours too. I just wish it was easier than it is. Why couldn’t he have just met another woman and left me. That would have been easier
Hi
I am also a gambler , the only way it will work is if he really wants to quit and never go back to it. Also he needs to give you access to his finances to see exactly what credit has been taken out and is being taken out.
Just going back to the point of wanting to quit, this will be really hard for you to work out. I have said i wanted to but haven't been able to in the past. I managed to get my mind now to where i don't want to gamble and the thought makes me sick. You will need to watch him carefully and he needs to respect this.
I wish you all the very best of luck and hope it works out fine.
Hi Daisy. My heart bleeds for you right now. 😥. What a horrible situation you are currently in through no fault of your own. Me being the gambler, I can only say that the possible reasons he does not want to share his account with you is either - he still wishes to gamble without you knowing or, he has even more debt/loans than you are aware of?? Harsh I know but possibly true?
Have you tried telling him that you are going to call off the wedding? If so, what was his response? If he knows you are not willing to do this, he may see this as “it’s all ok, we can just carry on as we are”! Are you ok with this if that is the case?
Please don’t feel embarrassed. You obviously seem like a very caring person, thinking more about your wedding guests and what they have paid out, than the situation your husband has put you and your children in! You need to look after yourself first and foremost - if we can’t fully look after/protect ourselves then how can we begin to look after anyone else fully?
If you feel you cannot bring yourself to open up to family and friends then you are doing the right thing and opening up on here. I hope you find some comfort from this. 🙏.
Thinking of you.
Pink Lady. 🍎
Hi Daisy. My heart bleeds for you right now. 😥. What a horrible situation you are currently in through no fault of your own. Me being the gambler, I can only say that the possible reasons he does not want to share his account with you is either - he still wishes to gamble without you knowing or, he has even more debt/loans than you are aware of?? Harsh I know but possibly true?
Have you tried telling him that you are going to call off the wedding? If so, what was his response? If he knows you are not willing to do this, he may see this as “it’s all ok, we can just carry on as we are”! Are you ok with this if that is the case?
Please don’t feel embarrassed. You obviously seem like a very caring person, thinking more about your wedding guests and what they have paid out, than the situation your husband has put you and your children in! You need to look after yourself first and foremost - if we can’t fully look after/protect ourselves then how can we begin to look after anyone else?
If you feel you cannot bring yourself to open up to family and friends then you are doing the right thing and opening up on here. I hope you find some comfort from this. 🙏.
Thinking of you.
Pink Lady. 🍎
Hi Daisy,
I know you have a wedding booked, kids, mortgage etc so lots going on but the reality is you have discovered your partner is a compulsive gambler. This is extremely dangerous and getting married could make things even harder for you going forward.
If you are sticking by him you will need full access to everything. You need to be able to go through his emails, credit history, his bank accounts, his credit cards. See all his deposits he has made to see how often he bets, get him signed up to Gamstop so he is excluded from gambling online for 5 years.
I am bet free since 2019 and my partner has access to all this, she also has Life 360 on my phone so can see where I am so Im not heading to a betting shop or casino. It is not easy but it is the reality as Im a compulsive gambler and my partner has to protect herself and the family against this addiction.
I also attend my nearest GA meetings as stopping gambling is only part of the recovery process.
I hope it all works out for you.
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