This is the first time I have even opened up about my boyfriends gambling problem and how it has made me feel. So I'm just hoping this helps me a little as I'm at rock bottom myself.
I have been with my partner for 4 years. His gambling issues came alight after a year into the relationship. Looking back he got into a lot of debt with the bank - not paying them back on time, taking more money so it just escalated and that's when he finally admitted to what had been going on. I stayed with him as in my mind I thought this was a one off. His family and myself was going to help him in terms of managing his money so things were being paid etc.
For a few months things seemed to be going ok. It was his mom that was managing it all so I couldn't really see for myself if the problem was getting sorted.
Then it happened again and at this point I said I will take over. Had his cards, passwords to online banking etc. Told him to self exclude from online accounts. (He told me he had done all the ones he had been using but this wasn't the case as i was yet to find out)
When I could see his online banking the online betting had stopped for a bit and things seemed to be on the right track. He was actually paying bills on time, repaying his monthly payments to the bank and paying me and his family back.
However, again he would start betting again after a few months. Like a fool I helped him pay his bills etc. Then the betting would stop for a bit then happen again like a vicious cycle. There would always be some sort of story to go with it. And reflecting on it all it is now obvious, this is what a gambling addict does.
He would lend more money of me, parents, friends. So not only does he owe the bank but also people around him. Who in their own right want the money back but this never seems to happen.
Fast forward a year, the gambling hasn't really stopped for a lengthy period of time - always done behind my back (going into the bookies) or he would do it online and have some sort of reason for it but I could never prove him wrong. Even when I said the whole story sounds like a pack of lies but he was determined it wasn't. One thing I've learned is people with a gambling addiction also become very clever in how they lie.
So now after 3 years the debt he owes the bank has come right down but then maxed out his overdraft on another account!! And he still owes me and family money.
Now the events that have brought me to here is that he now came out with a story that the bookies were demanding for some money he owed them when this all started years ago and that's why transactions were appearing on his bank account.
Straight away I said he was lying and it was betting transactions. But no he continued with the story. As I don't gamble I couldn't be sure if this was even possible but deep down I knew something wasn't right. So for the last 3 months this has been going on and he kept saying they will be giving him the money back but it would never surface.
The truth finally came out that all these were him gambling. He has gambled thousands and had hardly anything back in return. It's not just that he has also stole from his family to fund this leaving them out of pocket. Which is why I am now here.
He his up to eyeballs in debt with me and his family (equals to 10,000 between us both). He doesn't owe the bank anything near that but it has made me physically sick that he has taken it this far.
I am truly heart broken that I thought I was doing my best by him as his girlfriend by trying to manage his money and like a fool lent him money to pay his bills on time which is why now after 4 years he owes me so much.
We both still live with our parents but at the age where we should be saving to live together. I have actually got savings. But how can I trust a man that has resorted to this behaviour in getting things like a mortgage and have children etc.
As funny as it sounds I don't want to lose him. I love him and after 4 years of trying to support him with this it's difficult to continue but also difficult to walk away.
Up until now he has said he doesn't have a problem but when this came out he can now finallly admit it. He has also admitted he has never really tried to sort this out. He probably thought he has me and his family to bail him out and manage his money. I've told him he needs some some of professional help to over come this as there is no way anybody else around him can achieve that. He keeps saying I can do it myself ( I think he is embarrassed to go to a support group) but I have told him I cannot continue the relationship unless he sorts himself out properly. He says he gambles because he goes to work and then is left with nothing after paying everything. Why cannot he get into his head that the gambling just makes the hole deaper and that he is never gonna win the amount of money he needs to clear his debt.
I don't know whether to walk away for good or see if this is now his turning point as he has now lost me. For me I'm finding it hard to understand the gambling mind and why they self destruct 🙁
Thank you.
Hi JM. Unfortunately a compulsive gambler very seldom can give up without help and support. I would call gamcare get some advice. He should go to GA. It's time to surrender but unfortunately doesn't sound like he wants to. So what can you do? You've realised giving a cg money is not the way. If you control finances it has to be 100%. My cg no money, no access. Everything straight to me. You can get credit reports to show real debt. If he is willing to handover finance then maybe he's willing to stop. If he isn't you cannot stop him. You can change your behaviour though. You could find a gamanon meeting, get support and find out how to live with a cg. This very rarely goes away, you need to be on your guard. They are compulsive liars, expert manipulators. Reality is what are you willing to put up with? Living with an active gambler is very difficult. Years of debt, lies, mood swings. You need to safeguard your money. Look after you. If you don't change something this will continue.
Thank you for your reply.
I agree with everything you have said.
He has agreed for me to take over all his finances. I have all bank cards, changed passwords to his bank accounts and
made him a new email address to now use for his accounts so he cannot request for new passwords.
He has agreed to open a new bank account as his current one is in such a mess. His wages will now go into there so his bills can be paid on time but he will not know any of the details for this account. He will still be able to have money for himself once his outgoings are taken care off. I have told him he is to provide receipts of everything that he spends money on where possible.
He does not know any of my bank details or log in details. His parents have also changed there's.
I have also asked him to show me proof he has self excluded from the sites he uses. I will not be taking everything he says for face value anymore. I can't believe how trusting I was with his lies knowing his past behaviour. But my mind set has changed to help him but to also protect my self.
It all feels so controlling but his is on board with all this 100%. His parents have also set rules with him in that they will not be even giving him a £1 as he would lie to them to get what he could.
He has said him self the last 4 years he's never truly wanted to change even though he made promises to. But he has said in his mind he wants all this to stop wants the stress to be gone. In his mind if he can't see things are getting better so he just gambles. This is why I suggested me taking over everything and him having very limited access to money. He said once all his debt has gone he will be happier as he doesn't want to gamble anymore.
He knows this will take a bit of time to clear but he is willing for me to have complete control over the finances to get this sorted and to help take the stress away from him mind. Doing it this way will also help me and my own mental health.
I just hope that once he is debt free I can begin building my trust in him to start managing some of his own finances but we have a long way to go before then.
Hi JM from experience I would just keep you in control. Online there are a million sites, new ones everyday. The best thing is online software block (k9,gamban) or call your internet provider. Remember open all post as well. GA is probably another thing he should go to. It's very difficult to stop on your own. Gamcare offer free counselling too. Credit reports show you if new accounts are opened. My cg did this, just gambled loans! It's a mine field. Keep on top of it 100%. Sounds like there is good progress, but get support too. They are never cured, they can only arrest it, that's why support is helpful.
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