Don't know where to turn

Hi,

Sounds like you need professional advice support so I'd recommend you try and call gamcare as well as posting here

I'm a CG, sorry to hear of your situation, what he is doing is illegal (spending your money without permission) and you might find the best thing to do - for him as well - is report it. I get that would be incredibley difficult, especially with the 'Stepdad' relationship thrown into the mix to.

Other steps I can think of:

Purchase a mini safe (half decent one about £25) - not great if money is tight but better than it being gambled. Lock away all cards and any password reminders you might have.

Turn off internet (remove router if you have to) overnight

Signpost him to help/here doctors etc

Bear in mind if you do manage to restrict access to money (assuming your oh is 100% behind this too) then be prepared he may turn to theft to fund his habit if it is really bad (if he does that also wont be your fault, yes he is young and needs help but he is still the one making these choices)

search for free blocking software - i think its called k9?

I think you can also set filters on which internet pages you can access and as administrator you can password protect the rights to doing this

If he is able to circumnavigate all this then maybe try asking anyone you know in the computing world or a local business if there is any work experience he could be doing - putting his skills to good use instead of wasting them

I'm sure there will be others that can add better advice opinions etc but best wishes with it all, It can't be easy for you to deal with

regards

thanks for the response, yes I'll try this K9 route first and see where that leads.

Firsrly I think you have to deal with his easy access to money from your accounts ! Maybe report your cards as lost and relpace then when the replacements arrive scratch off the security code so even if he get's hold of them he can't deposit , change passwords and pin numbers would be a start because if he's getting cash on an easy basis then your just enabling him to keep on gambling , as youv'e already been told blocking software such as K9 is free , but netnanny and gamblock are available at a cost and instead of turning off the internet router you could set parental control so as no access is available for over 18 sites , alternitavely you could speak to your internet provider who can block them at their end if need be . Obviously if he has 3 or 4 g on his mobile that's sometghing you need gto sort out with the phone provider if your paying the bill or you could downgrade the phone to a basic non internet version . None of it will go down well but hey it's not his money he's gambling with is it ?

Hi,

I suggest that you tackle the addiction as well as the actual gambling. On other words, focusing on the symptoms of his gambling doesn't address the fact of his addiction, his compulsion to use and what it's doing to you. You can put in water tight blocks but if he needs his fix, he'll find or steal the money elsewhere. Educate yourself about gambling addiction and associated behaviour and also educate yourself about codependency. He may be the one using but he's affecting the whole family. The best approach is for you and his mother to be on the same page but if she's not, you can still help yourself. Try GamAnon, if your life is being affected by someone else's gambling, you qualify.

The other thing to bear in mind is that whilst you pay and cushion him from uncomfortable consequences, he in turn is too comfortable to have the incentive to get help for himself to overcome his addiction (he can't just stop).

CW

Hi

I am the parent of a gambler like your family member so can relate to your problem which shows so many similarities to what we have dealt with. I am glad you came on here because the initial way is to tackle it on your own (because like the gambler, you want to keep it secret, and you do this to protect them) and you keep thinking it is sorted but in the end it is often likely you are banging your head against a brick wall. It is important to read what CW above has said as I totally agree with all of that. It is important for you to ring the Gamcare counsellors and get advice for emotional and practical advice especially about debt management companies. Before you tackle your family member get all your facts and information together then sit them down to talk. He may feel in a comfortable position at the moment if he is being bailed out or if he is using peoples cards and not being confronted for it. I know it is hard but it comes to a point where you have to say "you are on your own with your finances - no more money from us". Our gambler hit rock bottom because of the mounted payday loan debts and that was the time that they relented and let us take over finances and we are now able to control all spending. It would help if you could point your gambler to this website so they could read some of the stories on here. It is a good starting point to get help. It has been hard for us but there are a lot of parents on here who have stuck by their family and eventually things have got better but there is often a lot of tough love entailed and that is exhausting. Things are never the same and it takes ages to build up any trust that they are not gambling but life is slowly improving for all of us. You know your family member best and will know how approachable they are and what frame of mind they are in to talk to them about all of this. At least you are not on your own dealing with it now - plenty of support for all of you on here. Good luck and take care.

Hello IainArmstrong

I can imagine dealing with this for so long is wearing you down financially and emotionally. You've had some great advice here and we would echo the advice you've had to protect yourselves financially, not cushion him from the effects of his gambling, and to get some support for yourselves. Our counselling is free and available in England, Scotland and Wales. As CW said, there is also an organisation called GamAnon who provide support groups for familes of gamblers.

You are welcome to give our HelpLine a call on 0808 8020 133, or chat to us on the NetLine. We can put you in touch with support, whether or not your stepson chooses to get support for himself. And we can point you in the direction of where your stepson can get support if he's willing. It would be great if he would call us himself, but whether or not he does, we are here for you.

One final point - this is a public forum, so you may not want to use your full name as your username. It's your choice, just remember this forum is viewable by anyone.

Best wishes

Forum Admin.