Emotional toll

Hi, this is a shocking story to read. My heart goes out to you. 
my gut reaction is, he’s still gambling. What if he is? You seem to be at a point where you can’t communicate.

start putting yourself first. You talk about the affect on the children if you leave, what about if you stay? 
you deserve to be happy and the children will benefit from that.

it sounds like you have given and supported him enough. No more bailouts,that enables  him to get more credit and gamble more.

call GamCare and get some counselling or advice.

Secure your finances, no joint accounts. Don’t pay his debts. Do credit checks. 
gamanon is also another place to get help and support.

look after yourself and the children.

@wife It's more an observation, nothing to do with gambling but life in general.

It's too short to be unhappy. I've seen couples together for years who just don't love one another split and find someone who does love them as well as start liking and loving themselves again. 

My gambling made my wife miserable and one day after another relapse she had enough. She's happy now with someone else and quite rightly so. 

If you're unhappy do something about it. 

Chris.

Whether or not he is still gambling is almost beside the point at this stage, plenty of people put up loads of barriers to prevent themselves gambling but unless they look at their behaviour honestly and try and correct it then its inevitable they will return to it once the barriers are down. His behaviour is disgusting, just like mine was when I was consumed by my addiction. I was like a spoilt child, always feeling sorry for myself if I did not get what I wanted, nothing was ever good enough and I always wanted something more. In this mode it was easy to justify all the time and money I wasted satisfying my needs with my addiction. The good news is that change is possible, the bad news is its down to the addict to change. 

Real recovery from addiction is about addressing these issues. Does your partner attend GA meetings? Do you have access to his finances? credit reports? emails? Someone who is trying to change will be open to all this and glad of the support from a loving partner. 

If I am honest it sounds like the relationship is dead as things stand and although you want to keep the family unit together for the kids, this would be a mistake if he is not willing to change. Addicts are experts at manipulating people to suit themselves, if he knows he can push and push and you wont leave he will most likely continue to do so.

If you want to stay and try and make it work you need to give set some non negotiable conditions. Let him know that his behaviour is unacceptable and unless he is willing to change then you are leaving.  First up GA meetings and relationship counselling. 

Hi Wife,

Sorry to hear what you are going through.

I may be wrong but it does sound as though there is more happening in your relationship than just gambling. We already have issues to deal with in our day to day lives and all this addiction does is complicate things.

You've been together a long time and I believe only you can decide on your next step with regards to your relationship and your children, whether you are staying or not. It's always very difficult with kids involved.

On the gambling side, what's his state of mind? Do you still discuss his gambling issues with him? Is he currently seeking help? Is he still gambling ? I know you said No as far as you are aware but have you been looking out for signs? You mentioned this app that is he on most of the time.

It is very difficult for him to function properly at home if he is deep into gambling so if your relationship was to improve, the gambling problem will have to be dealt with first, and trust me, that's not an easy task as I am sure you are aware. Of course all of these shouldn't be your headache, you are not the one gambling, you've done your bit, supported him, took out loan etc so you shouldn't be dragged through this and that's why one of the guys that commented earlier said your focus now should be on yourself and your kids. You have to be honest with yourself, what re you getting from the relationship? how is his attitude affecting you and the entire household ? Every relationship is different and has it's own challenges, gambling just makes it worse. 

Sit him down and have a word with him again to figure out exactly where his head is, I know you've tried this before but go again. Once again sorry to hear what you are going through.

On your last comment about you not telling his gambling addiction, I personally think that's wise. It's okay to tell friends and family that could help but telling for the sake of telling can kill everything.

Good luck and let us know how you get on.

Hiya wife 

I wouldn't like to tell you what to do as that's down to you and you know what your going through and how you feel, for one your partner should be seeking the help as he's the one with the problem not you, also it's not fair you having to keep all this inside and being treated the way you are, talk to one of your good friends who won't judge as you need to release the tension you've got going on plus you will find the people closest to you will know that somethings going on due to how you are. At the end of the day you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink and until he admits he needs help and seeks it things are only going to get worse. Have the confidence to react in the right way plus remember your not the one in the wrong 

Hi all,

Thank you for taking the time to read, consider and comment on my post. I very much appreciate your advice and thoughts.

Just to be clear as I prob wasn’t in my original post; we have our own bank accounts and our ‘joint’ acc for the family and house is in my name anyway. Also the debt is very much ‘his’ not ours. I’m not paying it for him or anything like that. And to be fair, he has always paid into the joint account exactly 1/2 which is a big part of the reason I had no idea that this was all going on. The debt is credit cards, loans etc. And now my family too, as they cleared the payday loans and he pays them back with no interest obv. They don’t know about the gambling. 
In terms of getting help; He did the self exclusion, he was attending a meeting every single week for about 6minths. Then he abruptly stopped. And it’s since then that I feel he’s become angry and frustrated again. I’ve mentioned this and tried to encourage him to go back but he says he’s stopped gambling snd doesn’t need to. He says he doesn’t get anything from it anymore. I’m genuinely unsure if he’s doing it again or if it’s my paranoia. He’s stopped sending me bank statements around that time but equally I always had to ask for them and I haven’t. I’m worried about asking now after all this time as I feel he’ll be annoyed and accuse me of suspecting him of gambling therefore not being supportive. 

In family life, he’s a very good dad there’s no question of that. And the kids are all happy. I do know though that it’s not good for them to grow up never seeing their parents hug or just be affectionate. I worry that this role modelling will affect their choices later in life as to what makes a healthy and happy relationship. 

so family life is ok from the point of view that the kids are happy. But I get nothing from it whatsoever. I’m deeply unhappy hence I asked him to attend couple counselling together (paid for by my work) but that was a flat no with no explanation given.

i do want one of two things to happen now: we go to counselling and work this out. Or we split but I’m terrified that this will send him into a downward spiral and he may consider taking his own life again, plus I can tell you that he would be even more vile towards me snd make the split really nasty. The kids would be affected by this. 
i don’t understand why, when he clearly does not love me or want to be with me, why he can’t be civil and discuss this and agree to part. It makes me feel he’s trying to control me at worst or have me there to pay 1/2 the household bills as he can’t afford to do this in his own, thereby just using me. 

I’m so torn and confused as to what to do. Do you think he’s using me/controlling me? Is this a common feature of gamblers? Also, do any of you hsve exoeritnce it being emotionally abandoned like this by your addicted partner? 

sorry, this has become longer than I was expecting!

thank you all for your support. 

It sounds like you deserve better, not in terms of the gambling in terms of his reaction to it. What do your family think, I'd take their advice on this one as you sound close to them, I know it's your life and your decision to take but I'd say take your families advice if things have got so bad. All the best, and well done for recognising the good in your life, what you have achieved etc, that's nice to hear, you just need to get into a position where you can make the most of your skills talents achievements in a better environment.

Dear @Wife

You've already had a lot of responses from other forum members. Not sure we can add much more except to say that we are really sorry you're going through this, and if you haven't already, please do contact us on 0808 8020 133 or by Livechat. We're here 24/7. 

You might also find it useful to check out GamAnon, who offer support groups and a 12-step programme for families of gamblers.

You deserve support too.

Take care,

Deirdre
Forum Admin

Hi Wife,

Hope you are well

Gambling addiction is terrible and just muddles everything. 

You mentioned you wanting one of the two things to happen - He either accepts counselling or you split, have you really thought deeply about the wider implication of splitting and have plans in place? These two options don’t seem to me like ‘take this or it’s this’

With the sound of things, although I am 99% certain your partner is still gambling, you might have to put his gambling problems on the side and have some serious discussions about your concerns and your relationship/family as a whole.

Like myself, I have an almost irreconcilable difference with wife which will most likely split us, we have two kids  so the decision to split is not easy, and yes, you are not alone, we don’t share room either. I am currently in approx £60k debt as a result of gambling and about 40days gambling free, just like your partner, I pay my share of the bills (mine is 2/3 of household based on our income) and I own and deal with my debts regardless of my household contribution. We have cut all financial ties to eliminate any risk of me accessing her money. I have come to realise that I need to deal with my addiction first and foremost.  

I really hope that your partner picks himself up again and tries to sort out his gambling problems, only then can he get his head straight and that tackle these issues like not being affectionate to you. On the other side, have you searched within yourself to see why he’s been acting this way? my wife would say the same about me - being a good dad et all but I wouldn’t be surprised at all if she says I am horrible to her. Sometimes these problems are deeper.

Good luck @Wife, we all wish you the best.