Feel awful

Hi miss SA. I also had post natal, in hindsight it was a few things. What I see now 18 years later is my husband's inability to cope with stress or a crisis which a gambler then self medicates with more gambling. Not being present is spot on. Until they realise they need to stop for the sake of their mental health it continues because that is what they do to feel numb. So it becomes self perpetuating. GA is the only thing that has helped my husband. Even after handing over finances he continued secretly. It did ensure all bills were paid. Now there are barriers such as Gamban, gamstop, self exclusion, credit reports. I definitely wouldn't have learnt to cope if I hadn't gone to Gamanon meetings. Get some help for yourself, call gamcare for counselling or just a chat. Find a gamanon meeting. Encourage him to go to meetings or call gamcare. It's very rare that a compulsive gambler stops all by themselves. Another avenue that doesn't help is when they're borrowing from family and friends. I called my father in law and found out he'd been giving him money, especially our wedding fund! Try not to focus on money, but getting help and securing your finances.

Thanks for replying merry go round. I've seen your replies to others' posts and I must say, your insight and honesty is always refreshing.

I've spoken to GamCare twice before, it was good for short-term relief when his relapse felt too much to deal with, and I needed someone to talk to confidentially. I do think it would be beneficial to have more regular support though, so will check out the weekly online chat held by GamAnon. Thank you for this suggestion.

I am trying to be as objective about everything as possible, as I understand gambling can be overcome but it will always be something that needs to be managed, and this only truly works if the gambler is at a point of prioritising the support they need. In his case, he can go quite a period without relapsing but as soon as there's any incline of pressure like your husband did, he would resort to gambling and end up chasing losses. It's heartbreaking to see.

As you said you had post-natal 18 years ago I'm assuming you're a mum too. Can I ask, did this have a big impact on your child/ren? I also acknowledge not making a point of finances but the reality is, I do need to consider this. We have nursery fees to think about amongst other things, life doesn't just stop to make allowances for gambling (not saying you are suggesting it does! Just being as objective about everything despite my feelings). Lastly can I ask if you've learned anything else overall in the years you've been with your husband in relation to this that you only know in hindsight? Do you think a relationship can be a happy one with gambling in the picture?

Thank you again, so much. x

When a gambler is gambling they are not present, they are in turmoil, they withdraw. My husband has depression, bipolar 2 (diagnosed after years of gambling) so I assumed his behaviour was due to depression. I think the depression came first and he found solace in gambling. He had lots of counselling via work and so therefore wouldn't talk about the gambling. Before they stop I think the thought of taking the gambling away is very scary because then they have to deal with reality. In hindsight I should have trusted myself more. I should have stuck with my meetings. I had 2 small children and I found it tough. The best thing I did was take over finances, it didn't stop him but it slowed him down. Yes it has affected our children they totally rely on me to be the rational one. But they have never gone without, are very aware of his behaviour, good or bad. Things are different now he isn't gambling and taking his recovery seriously. He has a different less stressful job. It's been chaos at times and I have had to look hard at myself. It's been tough and we all have different reasons for staying or leaving. You have to detach, look after yourself and the children first. Debts last, they are the gambler's not yours. You have to be strong. The one thing that I will say is my husband was great with the kids day to day, took them to the park, played with them all day long. I don't doubt for one minute he doesn't love us.

Until he's ready to stop he won't. He might reach that point tomorrow, next year or never. Telling you you've left him at his lowest is classic addict self pity and manipulation. Try not to feel awful. He's the one who has chosen not to take the steps that would limit his access to cash and gambling virtually immediately. He's the one who has chosen to let you take the financial burden while he flushes family cash down the toilet.

There is plenty of help, effective advice and support for him when he's ready to take it. Until that point protecting yourself and the baby needs to be your priority.

Thank you both for replying.

Hi I’m currently going through similar experience, my partner is very open about his gambeling sometimes he can agree he has a problem and sometimes he doesn’t see the issue, we have been together 7 years and he has always been a gambler… Iv never really felt woke up to his issue until recently, I’m currently pregnant with our 3rd child he’s never taken our money or left us in the lurch but lately I’m starting to really hate him for it.. and I feel guilty that I’m starting to feel this way as I know it’s a addiction but it’s making me look at him differently! Weve had it out in the last few years he’s stopped gambling online on his bank as I explained about his future with gambling all over his bank account but now Iv noticed he’s started to spend hours in the bookies sometimes he comes out up a lot but I still feel resentful and disgust that he’s even spent that much time chasing the money.. we talk about marriage, mortgages and everything normal engaged couples plan but I can’t seem to look forward to anything with him anymore… he says I get a cob on because I’m not in control or because he’s not with me which that isn’t the reason but I can understand why he does think that because Iv never let it be a problem of mine in the whole 7 years but now I just feel dread and worry when he’s been paid and I can’t stop feeling bad towards him for it but I also feel guilty for allowing it so long and now wanting to stop it I also suffered with Post natal anxiety after my second child 2 years ago which I have a lot of control over now but really feel it returning with the bickering and living with constant hate 

I also don’t know what or where to turn as I feel I’m in a position where he’s right in thinking it’s just because I’m not okay when really I’m dreading my life with 3 kids with him and growing as a family I feel I’d be a lot happier alone at the moment and it’s breaking my heart because I do love him so much and I can’t imagine my life with out him but also can’t switch off how I feel!   

Sorry to hear you’re going through this Miss SA and LA1820.

Miss SA you mentioned that your partner is constantly chasing money lost. To me this translates to a gambling addict who is actually actively gambling and deep into the addiction. Recognition of the addiction is a great first step and definitely essential but it should not stop there. It needs to be followed with an action plan and hard work. You and him should agree on this plan and it should be followed. If it stops at the recognition that this is an addiction therefore they can’t help it and that you just have to accept it then to me this is just manipulation. He is manipulating you to let him feed his addiction without him feeling guilty about it.
If he admits his addiction and he is not willing to stop, i would strongly suggest that you reflect on this if this is the life you are willing to live.  Even if you have separate finances, he will not be able to provide his share and there will come a time (if it hasn’t happened yet) that you will need to work to provide for both you and him because he’s spent everything on gambling. Active gamblers are selfish, all they do is take take take to feed the addiction. 
I’m all about providing hope that compulsive gamblers can be successful managing the addiction but this is only possible with hard work and dedication. If they relapse then it’s a learning curve to find out and close the loophole that led to the relapse. But supporting them doesn’t mean allowing them to gamble just because it’s an addiction. I agree with the comment above re him saying you’re leaving him at his lowest, this is classic addict behaviour of manipulation and playing victim so they keep you AND they keep the addiction. You need to see hard work and willingness to recover from the addiction (GA, credit report, access to bank, oversight of finances, self exclusion etc). It can be done yes and they deserve our support IF they are willing to put in the hard work.