Feel numb

Hello Dsim1978,

Welcome to the forum, and well done for posting about how you have been affected.

You mention that you had been feeling better recently, compared to when you had your depression during and after your pregnancy. Are you using NHS support to help you maintain your improvement in mood? Please do allow your GP to monitor how you're doing, especially if you feel your mood might be beginning to deteriorate again.

GamCare offer free counselling services for people affected by problem gambling. You describe how your partner's dishonesty made it difficult for you to trust him, which is very understandable. Many Forum Users in this section of the forum describe how they have had feelings of anxiety and insecurity following their discovery of their partner's gambling. It sounds like you would like to find a way to maintain your family life without re-experiencing the sort of hypervigilance that you suffered following your previous alert to his secret gambling? If you would like to know more about free GamCare therapy in your area, or other types of support, or if you would like some emotional support over the phone, you're welcome to call a GamCare adviser on freephone 0808 8020 133. Your partner is also welcome to call us to arrange free treatment to help him manage his recovery.

Take care,

Forum Admin.

I admin thank you fr your reply. Things aren't great again and as expected he's already resenting me for monitoring his phone which I just don't deserve! I'm using NHS resources but I think what we need at the moment is some couple counselling but it's so expensive! We've contacted GA but the closest counselling is quite a distance, would this be the same counsellors gamcare use. I just don't know what else to do he makes all these promises to get help cancel pre paid top up and give me phone and cash cards but there's always an excuse why he needs to use his phone then gets angry when I get anxious if he walks out of the room or house with it. He's also not cancelled the pre paid top up card yet and again get snarky with me when I ask when he's going to do it. Peoe think I'm a control freak but they don't know what's going on behind closed doors and I'm seen as the bad person I'm so upset again 🙁

Hi iv'e just been reading your thread, its hard living with a gambling addict, (I should know - I have damaged the relationship I have with my girlfriend over and over again). I feel for you, you seem to be trying to right things between you two. The real answer to your problem (and all gamblers issues) are firstly they have to want to quit and then quit. I am at the stage of quitted (its taken me 6 years and almost all my savings gone, to re-alise it can't go on). Once you quit for me its dealing with a:-the loss of the excitement of gambling and b:the emotional damage to one's head when you finally re-alise all that money is not coming back. You need to get him to one of these stages and then let Gamcare in on the scene. Counselling has to be the way forward. Good luck.

Thanks for your reply he has agreed to counselling but I feel he's not fully commuted and only saying he'd go to keep me. Whenever I have found out in the past he makes so many promises but never follows through and all I can think is this is another situation like before. Last night we had a big bust up a do told him I wanted to leave him as I didn't feel he was taking responsibility but on my heart there is still hope he will as I know if he doesn't this will destroy us 🙁

Sorry for the typos!!

hang in there, we gamblers dont think we have a gambling problem until generally its too late. Keep fighting for him, you have done the right thing by coming on here.

Hi dsim,

I feel your pain. I have found out last week about my partners gambling habits. It's just such a horrible feeling, because it is out of your control! I want to make it work-the same as you, but it's important that you look after yourself first

Good Luck to you x

Hi dsim,

I know exactly what you are going through. I found out my husband was gambling when I was made redundant 7 months before we were due to get married. I found another job quickly and stupidly used my redundancy money to clear the bulk of his debts because he had told me he had quit he wouldn't do it again etc. A few years later Ifound out he had started again (he had stopped for 2 1/2 years) I was pregnant at the time and not sure what to do, but I stayed with him and we have a beautiful 2 1/2 year old. I found out a few days ago that he has been gambling but this time he has taken money from my pparents. He broke down and this time it is diffetent, he has handed over his phone, cards and blocked the internet. We have removed sports chanels- his gambling was on internet.

Sorry I am going on, the point im trying to make is he wants to change now, whereas before he had said anything i wanted to hear to remove the stress from himself by me asking questions. He has started going to GA meetings (I am actually sat outside waiting for him) and booked in for counselling and sorted out his debts - which he will pay off on his own to learn the consequences. They really truly have to feel the need to change for themselves if it doesn't come from within them then it will just repeat itself as you are forcing it upon them.

Its a long bumpy road and make no bones about it we're just at the start. Hold on in there (as long as it is not affecting your little one and you) when he hits the wall all you can do is be thereand ssupport him. Its hard very hard, I love my husband but I hate what he's done to me and my family and all the lies. But I know its the addiction making him lie.

I truly hope you get through this, you are not alone! X

Is it best to tell parents and friends / work colleagues about someone's addiction, even if they haven't admitted it themselves? To make them realise what they are doing, or should family stand back and wait until something terrible happens, like losing a house before you go public? The person, will not discuss the addiction, will not admit it, very secret about it and manages to hide all evidence but has no money to pay for mortgage, bills, children etc.

Hi Yorcox,

It's very difficult to know what to do. We didn't tell anyone abiut it the furst few times it happened but now we have told hid parents and mine- and both havr acted duffetently. We're not telling anyone else becausr we ferl we have suppott now and noone else needs to know. Unless you have gone through this (either the person with the illness or the partner) people don't understand. To be hinest I still don't full understand because im not the gambler only I see the affects it has.

when we didnt tell anyone it was hard as people could see something was right but we coildnt talk - we chose not to tell anyone because he wasnt in the right place of mind, back then he didn't realise he had a problem. And I suppose I hate to admit it I felt ashamed and embarrassed. But this year I was off work with stress because over time it has affected us and it all got too much.

the problem is if they cabt admit it if theyre still in denial what will it achieve. If there someone you feel you can trust and talk too then talk to them.

It is hard and its a terrible illness but I don't know what happens and why but they hit a wall and a light goes on and suddenly they realise what they have been doing.

Do what you feel is best for you and your family. X

Sorry about typos cant use my phone! Fingers are too big I think lol

I am in a similar situation - I found out this week that my husband has gambled away a big chunk of our house deposit. We have had our mortgage approved and are near to completion, and I am eight months pregnant. I just feel like I've had the rug pulled from under me. He told me after he had already sought help - he went to a GA meeting and got himself a mentor who encouraged him to come clean and tell me everything, so I can only think that this is a positive as he has addressed the problem and vows he is going to stop. I have also found out he has debts with a loan shark (who knew our last address - I am furious I didn't know because anything could have happened) and I feel so helpless. I have been trying so hard to save for the house and the baby and little did I know he was spending thousands while lying to me the whole time. I know he needs my support but I am so worried and devastated by his actions I just can't look at him in the same way. I don't know what to do?

I'm in the same situation. My partner has gambled for years without me knowing and came clean about full extent of his addiction few weeks ago. In the last year I've constantly bailed him out and spent all my savings which we were meant 2 be buying at house with.

He was very reluctant to get professional help at first but with a lot of encouragement had gone for one to one counciling and comes on this site to read other people's stories. I've seen an improvement in his moods as well. He's trying to be open and honest with me.

its been really hard as I'm still so hurt by what he's done. Even tonight I've taken it out on him because I'm tired and fed up. It's not really fair on him but then all this isn't fair on me.

I would really recommend u take control of his money so he doesn't have the means to continue to gamble. Don't give in to his pleas for money. Which to be honest is what I've found the hardest as ive always want to sort it out. But he needs feel consequences you need to also look after yourself.

I hope ur partner beats this awful disease.