Feeling destroyed by my partners gambling

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Hi,

In simple terms you are not to blame for this situation in any way.

The extreme gambling binges, subsequent deceptions and constant lies must be so draining for you.

We CG's lie, deceive and cheat to get what we want - the next punt and do not care who or what gets in our way.

As a recovering CG my only thought is for you to ensure that you look after yourself and your own interests.

As said above CW and others can hopefully point you in the right direction from the partners viewpoint.

Best wishes

Thank you both so much for taking the time to speak to me, I'm not coping too well at the moment and keep feeling guilty or thinking could of have done anything else. It all happened so fast and I really believed him when he said he wouldn't do it again so when he did I just lost myself and my strength, I cried all morning and have since the abortion I didn't really know what to do and didn't have chance to think about anything. He doesn't realise that's he's having such a big impact on other people with what he's doing and I know he wouldn't choose to be addicted to gambling/drinking/ taking drugs I understand that it's a horrible illness and I really would of helped him. But all the help me and the army tried to put in place he wasn't excepting and I couldn't face any more lies. Then when I saw emails for swingers sites I just gave up on everything to be honest, him the family, life everything I just wanted it all over. I've told him he's chasing a buzz and that buzz is never enough and that he put the buzz before me and our family (what could of been) but he blames me I don't know if this is some kind of barrier he is putting up so he doesn't have to face up to anything. To be honest I'll never understand. These sites have helped me so much from families point of view and also the gambler point of view and I'm starting to feel better about myself. Thank you both so much again for taking the time out for me I haven't felt very important the last few months. I hope he gets help I still worry about him but I've had to cut off now and choose to help myself. He's got nothing at all and he's said he's going to go bankrupt as he hasn't paid his IVA (which I knew nothing about until recently) the kind of debt he's in I could never imagine.

Balvaird wrote: Hi, In simple terms you are not to blame for this situation in any way. The extreme gambling binges, subsequent deceptions and constant lies must be so draining for you. We CG's lie, deceive and cheat to get what we want - the next punt and do not care who or what gets in our way. As a recovering CG my only thought is for you to ensure that you look after yourself and your own interests. As said above CW and others can hopefully point you in the right direction from the partners viewpoint. Best wishes

I didn't mean to quote that sorry I'm just getting use to using this site

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Thank you allainepo for taking the time to write for me, I've been to see my midwife today as I had an appointment for the pregnancy I terminated and I got a lot out and she made me feel better and not as guilty as I have been feeling. I'm still wondering if he is ok and not destroying himself, I can't discuss this with family and friends as they have completely washed their hands with him and would think I was stupid to even give him a second thought. I did though love him completely and that's what's the hardest thing, could I of done more? Could I have just been stronger? I'll never know now but I'm trying my best to get through each day and I'm feeling a lot better as the days go by. I have never needed to get a buzz from anything other than love or doing nice things. So it's been very hard for me to try and see why he put his addiction before the family and love I was offering him. I'll never get the answers I need so I'm best to move on now and not get bitter as I'm not that type of person anyway . Thank you again and I hope you are well.

Thank you half-life this site is really a life saver I know that sounds so dramatic but I thought I was the only person going through this and though I would hate anyone to ever experience what I have, I have found so much comfort knowing it wasn't really my fault. I have felt to blame and that I could of done more, the guilt Ive felt was extremely painful but I'm now realising there wasn't anything more I could do. The more he gambled the more destructive he became he even said 'I'll just go bankrupt' like it was nothing or meant nothing. It hurts to think he never actually loved me and all he really was bothered about was getting his buzz. Either through gambling thousands of my money and his or drink/drugs/s*x. If any of the CG that read this could give me any insight into their experiences, do you do other things to get a buzz if the gambling doesn't work or you run out of money do you then chase another buzz? I'm really just trying to understand the need for chasing this buzz he wants? Maybe I'll never know and I don't have the constant urge to contact him anymore I know I do deserve better I am starting to realise my life is too precious. Thank you again for your kind comments and hope you are well.

Hi Heartbroken, what a terribly sad story to have read & WOW, what strength you have to have survived it! I guess others may disagree but I absolutely think you made the right decision with regards your pregnancy & that alone must have been devestating 🙁 I hope you can continue to get support from the midwife or other services for as long as you need it! As far as the gambling is concerned, arranging some counselling through GamCare may help you accept that none of it was your fault & you couldn't have done anymore to help him!

From my experience I needed something to transition onto when I started recovery, it was sites like this & Candy Crush style games for me. These are apparently called transient addictions & there are plenty less harmful ones that the addictions he is bowing down to @ the minute. Many addicts switch addictions if they are simply cut off from one without taking true steps to get theirs under control...We are never cured, just learn to live with it. Daft thing for me is, after nearly 30 years of my own gambling (longer if I factor in living with my mothers), turns out so far, all I was chasing was here all the time...Now I get my buzz from being normal. I'm early into recovery with a long way to go & I have tried everything without success to get my mother to join me! You didn't cause his addictions, far from it, you may have inadvertently enabled them for a while as you supported him but this tough love is his best chance of recovery. Doesn't sound to me like he's ready for it though & you may be hurting now but for you & your boy (who you have managed to raise single handedly, all credit to you) walking away is the best chance you could have given any of you!

Hold you head high & keep looking forwards. Look after you - ODAAT

ODAAT Thank you so much for your support, it's sounds like you have been through so much yourself with your mother and your own issues, I'm so sorry you have had to go through any of it as I can see from this site how many CG are so kind and caring and have made me realise it's not my fault. I married my sons dad at the age of 17 after my parents split up and ended up in a very physically abusive relationship resulting in my sons dad going to jail hence bringing up my son alone. This had a big impact on way I haven't had more children since as I've not trusted anyone enough but when I met my partner he 'seemed' so perfect and so loving towards me I felt very lucky to have him so the shock of his gambling and then the stealing and lying/drink/drugs/s*x sites etc just crushed my world to be honest all those feelings I had from 17 years ago came back the complete loneliness was devastating that's why I had to have the abortion I can admit I wasn't strong enough now it's been hard but I have been honest with myself and realised the right thing for myself and son was to break away completely. I'm sorry to go into my life story but everything has an impact on why I feel how I do any why I couldn't trust him anymore. The hurtful thing is he knew my story and still choose to break my heart. I won't let him destroy me though life is too precious. You take care darling.

Hi

Sorry to hear what's happened.

You wanted a CG perspective, well addicts share similar traits. Gambling is an escape. It's a way of getting a big dopamine hit because the person is not naturally getting it in other areas. Addicts are not happy with what they have become/or are, they are very disconnected from life and relationships and so seek the 'sugar hit' of gambling.

The more we escape the smaller our comfort zone gets. We stop doing things that are important and become dominated by fear.

That we're dominated by fear might not be obvious to an outside observer - we will often go to great lengths not to seem weak. But it's a facade, behind which lies deep insecurity and negative self-beliefs, around not being good enough or being unloveable.

Addicts are emotionally represessed and usually anxious in some way. We can't deal with difficult emotions or thoughts. We become scared of negative feelings=anxiety.

You definitely can't help this person, he has to help himself. Sounds like this person's in full self-destruct mode so you should protect yourself, your finances, and get away.

Wish you well

Louis

Thank you for your perspective Louis, a lot of what you say is so true and fits him perfectly he was so anxious and would get stressed out at the littlest things, he would say he loved me so many times and say such amazing sweet things but then act another way. if we disagreed on anything and I wanted to discuss or reason with him he would call me crazy and say I cried too much. I only cried when he gambled or lied to me. He didn't really seem that bothered when he did upset me and he would expect me to get over things fast. When he first spent over a thousand pound of my wages after the initial sorry text and a day off showing love he would go back to being distant, this pattern continued. He once wanted to drink after promising me he wouldn't for just one weekend and because I said no he hit himself in the head with his fist. It really does seem to me now reading everyone's comments that he has serious deep routed issues I hope to god his family can help him I don't wish that life on anyone. But as I've mentioned I'm away and getting myself well and hopefully one day happy again. Thank you and take care of yourself also.

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Don't ever apologise for telling your story, hopefully getting it out is as helpful for you as it is for us reading it...Most of us haven't hurt people the way you were hurt but it's a slippery path & one that I for one must do everything in my power to avoid sliding back down! You're a survivor but you're not alone & even if we're just cyber buddies, sometimes just knowing we are out here will give you strength 🙂

As has been alluded to, he may not have set out to hurt you but addiction is progressive & because he got away with being caught, he had no incentive to accept the help that was on offer. Even in the midst of addiction I felt true remorse, disgust @ myself on a regular basis & yet until I reached out for help, I was still prepared to manipulate my loved ones & lie to everyone, especially myself! Many people mention bouncing off the walls when they were winning but I can only remember once when I walked away up & even then, I wasn't on a high because all I wanted to do was to carry on & 'win' more (i.e: lose it all). It was almost a welcome release letting my now husband in on my secret, because then, I always had someone else to blame...Him not answering my text fast enough, replying too quickly, never saying the right thing! It's ludicrous to type it now but there's a degree of lunacy about us when we are active 🙁 There's also a huge part of many of us that can only be described as 'control freaks'. How dare you be upset, when it's him who is hurting, he who has been beaten by a machine (I can only guess @ what he was thinking, he sounds slightly more loopy than I will accept I was)! Thank goodness this one just turned on himself & not you! I'm ashamed to say, I have hit myself (alone in my car). Not sure what I was hoping to achieve coz it didn't bring my money back or stop me self destructing but for some of us it's a 'poor me' reaction. For others, there is deep seated pain that is released by self harming...Mine wasn't that, mine was pointless, poor me type stuff for sure!

When you find someone who cares, you won't need to explain your tears because they will just accept them!

You will find your happiness - ODAAT