Hi there. I didn't think I'd need to use this website again, I didn't think I'd be back in this situation again but 3 years later here I am. It was foolish of me to think it was gonna be any different.
I'm posting on here about my partner. I have no one else to talk to about this. I'm all alone. So I'm gonna use this as an outlet. I hope I don't bore you too much.
My partner of 10 years has gambled for a long time. Horses, football, any sport really. It's been done online and in the shop.
Roughly 2/3 years ago I found out he had got himself in a lot of debt due to gambling online and in store. Doing anything to get money. Taking out overdrafts and pay day loans etc. He lied to my face many times. Had horrible mood swings and I often felt like I was blamed for his problems. It was a horrible time. I became very low and it nearly destroyed our relationship. We stayed together which I was very nervous about but I didn't want to lose him even after all the lies.
We've had a couple of good years (or so I thought) and I thought all of this was behind us. I learned to trust him, which was a massive thing and took a long time but I was committed to make our relationship work. Because I love him.
Last Saturday was the Grand National, I hate days like this. I hate any big race meetings. Because I know there's always a chance my world will come crashing down again.
And so it did.
He was out with mates Saturday and when he came home he had admitted what he'd done.
Not only had he had a lot of big loses on the Grand National, he also admitted he'd been gambling again for the last few months. Going to Shop on his lunch break everyday and betting again online.
He also had various bets over the past 3 years on big events. But hadn't got into any debt again.
We talked it through, sensibly. But I don't think he quite realises what he's done. He doesnt realise the impact it's had on me. I don't think he even realised this the first time round. He only told me because he lost so much money and thought I'd work it out.
I thought we were past this. I'm back to feeling low, like its my fault. I'm questioning myself, why did I ever trust him?? He doesn't deserve my trust. I find myself feeling paranoid about everything he does. We're arguing again. His mood swings are back.
I just wish he'd take responsibility and reassure me. I can't do this all over again.
He says he'll sort it and he can control it.. Something I've heard many times before.
I made him ultimatum. Me or carrying on betting. To which he said he wasn't being blackmailed. I just want a commitment he will stop.
I've been through this once. I don't know if I can do it again.
I just wondered if anyone has been through anything similar.
How do you move on from this again??
Thanks.
I agree with Half-Life. A few years ago during another relapse I told my husband that this was his last chance and that any more would result in him loosing everything. It appeared to work for a couple of years. We bimbled along, although our relationship never recovered fully from the damage done so many times. I became complacent and checked bank accounts less frequently, he changed pass words etc and failed to give them to me so I couldnt check accounts at all and was defensive and evasive when I asked for the new pass words (more egg shells to tread on). The last summer he had a massive relapse and got several thousand into debt. I told him we were finshed bt for the sake of the children he has stayed in the house and I have supported the family while he supposedly concentrated on paying off his debts. 2 weeks ago another relapse whcih really is the final straw. Now I have told him he needs to leave and I am seeking legal and professional guidance to do this as painlessly as possible for my children. My ultimatum didnt work, I never really believed it would. He wont leave voluntarily, I have to force the issue but I have given enough support and chances and enough is enough. His father was a gambler, although not to this extent and apperently there is evidence to suggest that there is a familial like. I have a young son who I need to protect from this self destruction. My husband is not a bad man but he is a weak man and is a poor husband and father and we deserve better than this.
They dont "get" the impact it has on you (my husband asked why I was angry with him 3 days after the last episode!) and they wont take responsibility. It'd up to you to do that. Best of luck, stay strong and follow what your head is telling you to do whatever that may be. Surround yourself with a support net work, you dont have to keep this secret, it's not your secret to keep. x
Thank you both for the replies. It's helped massively.
Your situations sound very similar to my own.
I don't know what to do. I want to make it work. But how do you help someone that doesn't want help?
His mood swings are ridiculous. I find that one of worst things besides the lies. I seem to get blamed for everything. And we end up snapping at each other, arguing and then not talking for days. I can't live like this anymore.
I guess I've answered my own question 🙁
I don't want to give up on him though. I know that probably makes me a fool and just open to more hurt.
Maybe I'm in as much denial as him.
I just wish he'd realise what he's got. I've never left him, I've always been here. I've gone through hell for him. And each time he messes up I'm still here despite the way he treats me.
He should be begging my forgiveness and making things right. But I get nothing back atm apart from silence and snapping at me for the most stupid things.
I'm more confused than ever.
Hi, RD,
Why are you still there, despite the way he has treated you? A question for you, not a criticism. I'm also still there but things are slowly starting to improve. Not spontaneously, improvements are the result of hard work from both of us and more hard work and improvements are needed, it's from a low baseline. But it's sufficient change in the right direction to justify my efforts. So far. Just for today.
The thing is, they will dish out what we take. We may take it under protest, but if we take it, why do they need to change?
You're not to blame, you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. You can't save him from himself and it's no good expecting an addict in denial to logically appreciate the good things. Their thought processes are corrupted by the addiction, their focus is on the next bet, recovery is a slow process that if done properly (if!!) involves reversing all that.
Take care of you, put yourself first.
CW
Hi Red Devil
In my case its my son who is a compulsive gambler but his behaviour is exactly the same as any other cg..
Its taken me a very long time to accept that the only person who can help a cg is themselves, theres nothing we can do to change that. A cg who is in denial only gets worse and as they do our lives get more and more chaotic and miserable.
While your partner is in denial nothing will change, and if you want your life to change only you can do that. I lived this way for 5 years until it was obvious my son didnt want recovery so the question was how much more of this was I prepared to take, and I knew I couldnt do it any more.
I know how much you love your partner, I love my son as much as always but it doesnt change the fact that they are compulsive gamblers and they will behave as such. It doesnt matter who we are to them, they have no conscience and its all about the next bet for them, the addiction wins every time while actively gambling.
Repeating Cyncial Wife :- you're not to blame, you didnt cause it, you cant control it and you cant cure it. You cant make someone get help if they dont want it.
You have to think of you and your children first.
Take care
I
Thank you. I appreciate the replies. It helps to hear from people who have been or are going through a similar thing.
I guess I'm struggling to come to terms with giving up on him.
But I know I'm not happy. And if he won't open up to me and let me help him then I don't see another option atm.
But it's scary.
Hi Red,
My life is similar to yours and I post on here regularly so have a read if you can.
Ultimatums rarely work with CG. They do in the short term but like mentioned, if he's not made the effort to stop gambling completely then the temptation to return back to their "norm" or way of life is too strong. I'm currently battling this with my husband. To cut a long story short, I left him with the children, he said he was getting help to stop gambling and wanted to repair our marriage as it meant so much to him. He started counselling, changed the goal posts to only gambling once a week, then just not gambling midweek, now only betting on certain sports.....I think you get the drift....not a lot is changing and I feel like I'm back to square one.
Having been here before, might I suggest some counselling for you too? It may help you make sense of the confusion you are feeling at the moment so that you can make the best and most informed choice for yourself not him. Part of the relationship is a codependency on both sides, as daft as it sounds. You hate the way he makes you feel yet you love him. He blames you and eventually you blame you too....and so the cycle continues. You need to look after you now. If he is selfish and irresponsible enough to risk it all again then make sure you are armed with all the right information for whatever choice you make. It won't be easy but talking it through with someone who understands can make all the difference. That, or ring the helpline or netline on here.
I start my counselling on Monday.
I need it.
I have no faith, love, trust or belief in my husband anymore and it is doubtful at this stage if we will be together in the long term. For now, I have given him the chance he asked for but I feel a fool for doing so as the signs are there that this will go right back to how it was before and I will be back to square one.
Keep posting, gain strength, get advice and do what's right for you. Only you know what that is.
Good luck and remember.....baby steps!
All the very best to you.....
Sad x
Hello Red devil and welcome back to the forum
It sounds like a very difficult time for you. There is counselling is availble to you if you would like to talk with someone confidentially to help you find a way forward . Counselling is funded for twelve sessions and services are across the UK. Gamcare helpline advisors are available from 8am -midnight everyday and will listen to your concerns and can give you further information on counselling in your local area.
The Gamcare helpline telephone number is 08 08 80 20 133 and advisors can also be contacted through the netline http://www.gamcare.org.uk/support-and-counselling/frontline-services/netline#.VxH9EPkrIdU
There are also Gam- anon groups for family and friends of problem gamblers across the uk http://gamanon.org.uk/ meetings are across the uk as well as a meeting online on sunday evenings .
Keep posting Red devil we are here to support you.
Forum Admin
We are available 24 hours a day, every day of the year. You can also contact us for free on 0808 80 20 133. If you would like to find out more about the service before you start, including information on confidentiality, please click below. Call recordings and chat transcripts are saved for 28 days for quality assurance.
