Feeling Lost and Alone

Hi Cazkell

I am a recovering CG.

Firstly, you should never blame yourself in any way for his addiction. This is a very common characteristic with partners of gamblers. He is solely responsible for his gambling and nothing you have done is the cause.

From what you have written, it seems that he is genuinely attempting to take steps to recover from this addiction. Early days but at least he appears to be very remorseful, is attending GA, counselling, and willing to address the financial burden as well. All good signs.

I see nothing wrong in you helping him in sorting out the financial debts that have been accrued. The only proviso on this is that he pays the debts. You do not assist moneywise in paying off the debts. It is very important that we CG's understand that there are consequences to our gambling actions. The CG must pay the debts, not you.

I think that you will have to have a heart to heart with your partner, setting out some basic ground rules. These rules should include his attending GA and/or counselling, allowing you to do a credit report on him to find out what the exact financial situation is, and he should also hand over financial control to you. These are the basic rules, and he should be happy to go along with them if he is serious about tackling his addiction. He would probably also be aware of these already since he has attended GA.

You also need to look after you. Try Gamanon again. They are all in a similar situation you find yourself in. The advice, support and camaraderie you will get from this group will help you get through this.

Take care

Hi Cazkell

Your situation is a little similar to mine. It's so confusing isn't it? My husband has left the family home and is also really low, has no money and no one but me to help him. Yes he's stuffed up but does he deserve this- no. I feel bad that he is in this situation whilst I'm at home with our girls. However I do think my husband needed it as he is finally taking positive steps and your husband is too. It really is tough love. There are no rules about how to play it. My husband will be at home later to collect our girls and I want things to be as amicable as possible for them. However part of me doesn't want them to be confused. They know the score and are teenagers, know mum and dad have separated but think they struggle when he comes in and gives me a peck on the cheek. It's hard to find a balance between friendly and back to normal. But do what feels right. If you want to give him a meal and it won't confuse your children ( and mess with your head) then go ahead. At least you'll know he's eaten today. I worry about my husband all the time because you can't just switch off can you?

I do know that I'm much calmer without him at the moment, I had 8 months of pure hell which was hard. I have surprised myself just how much I can do by myself and being on my own feels right for now. I still love my husband but we both need this. As we all say one day at a time and look after you. Support him but put yourself first. I hope it goes okay later when you see him.

Thank you both for your comments and support, it's so difficult to talk to anyone else about it and I really do appreciate this forum, I didn't actually realise until reading other people's stories that the things I/we have gone through in our marriage are not normal! I think you're right wal1957 about me trying gamanon again although the group was not very well attended, there are none in my area and the next nearest is over an hours drive away. I have also looked into 'codependency anonymous' which I didn't know existed until two days ago so may try this instead and help myself do me. Any support at this stage will be welcomed. I completely get what you shared katiecola about feeling calmer, I do actually feel that but my mind is a constant swirl and my emotions are all over the place, it's all consuming but then again that's no different to the constant drama that my CG brought with him. My oldest daughter is struggling with this and I feel responsible that I have allowed her to be affected by this too. I've told her that she needs to speak to Dad, let him see the effect this is having on her but she seems to be putting it off. She doesn't understand the nature of the addiction although I have explained and told her where she can find out more info and get support if she feels she can't talk to me. I also found myself feeling angry that she doesn't want to deal with it, is very 'black and white'... He'll just do it again and put us all through this, her trust has gone, she's lost respect for the man she's always looked up to. (He is her step dad but has brought her up with me) I'm concerned that by helping my husband, I will lose her respect too, she is 18 but will be at home for another year. I have always been open and honest with my kids but unsure of how to deal with all of this for the best of everyone. I feel responsible!!! My usual patterns are to try and fix, people please, and help people feel better so this is all a real toughy. I'm waffling I know... My Husband is coming over today, maybe it might happen that he's still here when my daughter gets back and it will be taken out of my hands. I'm going to take a deep breath and just do today. Many Thanks again

Hi Cazkell

Your partner has lost the trust that your daughter had in him. She is also upset and angry at what he has done. These are natural feelings, and totally understandable given the circumstances.

Trust is something that a CG has to earn. Half-Life has already mentioned that you should not trust a CG. Being a CG myself, I wholeheartedly agree. He will be aware from his GA meeting that trust will take a while to get back. Only by his actions will it be earned.

If your daughter is troubled and needs assistance, perhaps she would like to ring a Gamcare counsellor, or even go to the co-dependency meeting with you. She is old enough to understand what you both will be dealing with, and education will help you both. I think it is best that she doesn't bottle up what she is feeling. As a general rule, most people feel better when they can talk to someone about what's troubling them.

Take care

Hi Again,

Thanks Wal for your advice about my daughter, I have given her all information and options, I'll see what happens. I've actually come on a few steps with regards to feeling responsible for this and as you said halflife I don't have the energy for any more than my CG has reared up. He needs to fix the relationships with our kids too.

He came around yesterday, went through bills and debts, spent some time baking with our youngest and I did make him dinner. We also had time to talk which was good but it is so emotional... He has never been very good at expressing emotion and would never cry, now it's the opposite, I've never seen him like this. He's actually looking forward to counselling, he's spoken to someone at gamcare and they are calling him back today as he spent time yesterday with us. (Of course this is all what he said)

It appears that he is making all the right moves and seems like he's had enough of this hell (his words) He said that he's not so bothered about the gambling but wants to understand why he does it, why would he self destruct and destroy everyone around him when he loves us all so much? I do believe that this is it for him, I however am left with the fallout of the past 12 years and my head and emotions are all over the place. It's tough to see what this has done to our kids this time too.

Our youngest broke down after he left, she is worried about him and misses him a lot... To her he's still her hero. I held her while she cried and reassured her that although it hurts this change is good.

I do believe that too, no matter what happens, this change is good, tough but good. We all deserve to live happy lives including our CG husband/father. I still don't know whether it's the right decision to invite him home and support his recovery as I'm still confused about my feelings so not going to yet Will do a day at a time and act when I know what feels right.

thank you all again for looking in and your support

Hi Cazkell

I don't know if he will ever find out why he gambles. I can't think of any ex CG I know that has worked out why they gambled excessively. It's an addiction. For some people, all it takes is that first bet and they are hooked, for me it was a gradual and progressive worse urge that got to the stage that I was gambling every day until either my money ran out or the venue closed. I loved it and hated it at the same time. My thinking is that we CG's are 'wired' a bit differently to 'normal' people. I can do absolutely everything in life that you or most people do, except I cannot gamble. Once I start gambling I find it very hard to stop.

As for what you do re your hubby, take your time. Get some counselling / advice. Read some more threads on this forum so that you are better informed of what may lie ahead for you.

I have met some wonderful people thru GA ( I live in Aust.). Most have done things that they are ashamed of. Some have been to prison due to their gambling etc. I can honestly say that most recovering CG's are very nice people. I hope your husband does really want to stop, and grabs his chance with both hands. It's not easy, but if he really wants it, he will do it.

PS. I don't know how old your youngest daughter is, or how much she knows about what is happening, but one of our members told his young daughter that "daddy has a problem but he is getting help to fix it". That seemed to be all she was concerned with. As long as he was getting help, she was more content. Try it, it might work. 🙂

Best wishes

Hey I'm in the same boat so I totally understand what you're going through. I have been with my partner for 10 years & don't know how much more I can take. Yesterday he text whilst out to tell me that on Friday he had lost all the money in my bank account as well as the overdraft & money he had to hand in at work. All in it totals £950. All the bills are due of tomorrow but I'm self employed so will need to take the money out of my business account then pay it back. He has not even apologised. He acknowledges he has a problem & says he will stop but refuses to get help or self exclude. I have had his bank card for the last 9 years & give him pocket money. I also have to sleep with my purse at the side of my bed. He decided to stop on his own in July & was doing well,now this has happened. He never wants to talk about it & if I press him on it he tells me if I don't like it I know what I can do in other words leave! I tried that once thinking it would shock him into stopping but it didn't. I'm at a loss for what to do. None of my family know as my parents are older & I don't want to stress them out. His family do know but not the half of it. I don't want anybody to think badly of him or judge him so I keep it to myself & try to deal with it on my own but it is soul destroying

I have no choice but to repay the money as we live in a bought house & it was for the mortgage & utility bills. If I don't put the money in to cover it I will get bank charges etc on top of everything else. People may view it as enabling but I can't risk my home.

What is se?

He hasn't had a bank card for 9 years. I go on payday & lift his full wage & give him pocket money. All household bills come out of my bank account & I deal with all finances. My bank accounts used to be registered to my mums address & the statement went their but I had to change that in February to enable us to buy a new car. He has obviously got hold of my details. He won't se. We have had that discussion before. I have asked him to cancel his online accounts & contact his bank about changing his bank card from a debit one to a cash only card but there's not much I can do if he doesn't want to

I have to agree with Half-life. He is using you as a means to enable his gambling.

If he was serious about quitting he would take some very basic measures to limit his ability to gamble. The fact that he is not willing to change to a cash only card or self-exclude is very telling. He doesn't really want to stop.In all likelyhood he will continue to gamble, amass more debts etc.

Have you given any thought to attending a Gamanon meeting? It is just a fellowship of the parners and friends of gamblers. They can help you with the guidance and support that you are going to need.

Take care

How

Hi all,

Firstly, I'm sorry Fi that this is such a nightmare for you, It's very tough decisions we have to make but we must make them for the best of ourselves and our children. I've come to learn that this addiction is not our responsibility so I wish you all the best at this tough time.

Thank you everyone else for your advice, things are still very tough but taking a day at a time. Our youngest daughter is 9 and I had already reassured her that Dad has a problem that he needs to get help sorting out. She mentioned it again today actually and seems quite happy that this is how things need to be for now so Dad can get help in his recovery.

Today I found myself writing quite an 'honest' message to Mr K in reply to yet another that I feel was sent just to make me feel bad!

I've tried keeping some form of contact as there are still things to sort out and I do care how he is and want him to stay positive but he's making it extremely difficult by messaging about how bad he feels, how he's missing me. I feel that he's trying to pull on my heart strings all the time and it's not fair. I know he's desperate and has only really ever had me to talk to so this is a difficult behaviour to brake.

He really is proving in his actions that he's ready to kick this but the things so far that he's doing are for himself. Of course, that's fine, that's exactly what he needs to do but in the meantime while I'm trying to do me, take care of the kids, make applications to safeguard our future, change bills over and keep some semblance of normality in our home, he's messaging me with how bad HE feels, It's been so so intense this past week and a MASSIVE change for all of us. Broken hearts and hurt... Does he not realise that we're all suffering here?

There are the odd comments that he hopes I'm ok but he hasn't actually asked how I'm doing, he hasn't asked if there is anything he can do towards the preparation of the kids going back to school and college or if he can take pressure off by doing some taxiing around. I understand the addiction is selfish and it's still very early days. He wants me to say ' come home and we'll work through this' but we've done that before and it hasn't worked besides the fact that it doesn't feel right and I have absolutely no idea if it ever will.

These have been my thoughts today during a message conversation....

If you want to be my man then prove it!!! Stop wallowing and get your act together. Yeah you might be in a caravan but at least it's a roof over your head, if I'd allowed your behaviour to carry on we may have all been living in a caravan!!! I cannot be emotionally abused anymore. I deserve better and so do our kids.... So do you!!! As I put in my message, I have loved you, supported you, forgiven you, given you a chance, and another, and another. I've stayed when maybe I should have walked away. Of course I'm going to feel sorry for you, I know you had an awful childhood but they are your demons not mine. I can't fix this or be there for you in that way anymore. We have been codependent and I have been 'allowing' your addictive behaviours just because I wanted you to love me and I have become addicted to that! I want more, I want security, trust, intimacy, friendship and Love that is not selfish and hurtful but kind and thoughtful. I know it's in there, you are a really lovely man but this behaviour has been appalling and I am so mad at myself for allowing you you treat me some of the ways you have. Of course, if you want to talk, I'll 'TALK' if I feel like I can, I will. If I can't be around you right now it's because I still have feelings that I need to process and they are so changeable That it's confusing and sometimes just too intense... I just need space and calm to help me heal.

There's part of me that wants to fall into your arms and for you to hold me and there's another part that is so damaged by your behaviour that I want to scream in your face, punch you and have you feel my wrath!!

See!!! Intense, confused and so changeable, that's just SOME of the thoughts today. I'm sure there are many of you family members or spouses that can identify. I don't even know that I need advice, probably just to share and get at least some of it out of my head.

Thanks C

Thanks for your concern Cazkel, I would just really like somebody to talk to about it too,so I don't feel alone with it all. None of my family know. His know but not the true extent. Last night I actually lay in the bath & cried because I felt guilty & they I had betrayed him for coming on here & trying to talk to somebody about it. I hate the thought of anybody judging him or thinking/speaking badly of him. He is my other half & he is just lovely. The sad thing is we just got engaged last month on our 10 year Anniversary & I have been sooo happy & now this. Like your partner, mine has not even asked how I am or apologised. Yesterday he phoned & asked what I was doing all day so I said 'crying' & he said surely not all day?! As if 'you're being ridiculous ' his selfishness knows no bounds. Today I went to the bank to pay bank the money he had lost & broke down. The assistant manager took me to a private room to talk. We went through the my accounts for the year & I have transferred 3 & a half grand this year alone into his bank for him. I'm just waiting for the other 7 years worth to figure out a total. With the money he's just lost,the deposit for out house,a loan & the past 8 years we have lived together I think the total might hit 40+ grand. I'm going to wait till I have all the figures to show him then hope it will be the shock he needs. I think unless you are living it you have no idea how are it is. I have confided in a friend in the past but I think because it's not like alcohol or drugs people don't get that it is an illness & don't understand. It's good to talk to someone who gets it so thank you.x

I get it Fi and working out the finances seems like a good thing to do, I'm not in a position to offer advice at this stage as I am still learning a lot myself. I'm sure there are many others on here as in the comments above who have gone through these things and can give you advice from both sides.

I must say that although I am venting on here and sharing some of my innermost thoughts and feelings, which I have been nervous of doing before, Mr K has actually admitted that he is a CG, he had already disabled his online accounts in March, and self excluded himself from most establishments ( obviously left one just in case! and was still paying lip service with his intentions ) He has now Self excluded from all, gone back to GA, been to the doctor, spoken to a counsellor twice on the phone as well as someone from gamcare initially. He has been told that he will start face to face counselling as soon as possible so really, all of this is a huge demonstration that he really wants to change his life.

I may sound very harsh when I've been venting but I have also learned so much over the past few months and more so this past week about the mentality and behaviour's this addiction brings and yes it is selfish. Maybe my husbands head is so full of trying to get out of his hole that he can't see the rest of us standing around the edge?

I can't help the way I feel or the changeable emotions that are coming up for me right now. I obviously need to process these and I am taking the advice offered here to be kind to myself and re-build as that's the best I can do for myself and my family but at the same time I cannot deny that Mr K has taken action too and is openly devastated at the people he has hurt on his path, especially the people he loves. I can only be proud of him for that.

Fi, I hope your partner realises and is willing to do what it takes too.

Take care C