Hi all
My partner is back in the house. After a particularly depressing day at a wedding (anyone else jealous of other relationships where it seems they are a real team? I feel like i am constantly dragging my OH along in life).
We have both committed to "try". He is ready to try another way to recover (last time he sporadically attended GA which he found "depressing") this time he is going to two different types of counselling and committing to a bit of a lifestyle change. I have been thinking of things i might have done wrong first time round and i think i was too ready to accept that the problem had gone away. Id have to get my head round the fact its likely to happen again (can i accept a one off slip?) and that i need to try and foster a relationship where he could tell me this without the need to lie.
Its hard to get my head round this as i might do all this work, put my heart back into it and it could be thrown back in my face again.
Its been 3 weeks since it all came out ( lying for 6 months and gambling and smoking weed after 11 months off) i saw a message on his phone from his friend and there was that familiar sick punch in the stomach feeling.
In theory i want to try but its like my body is really scared to be around him. I don't feel comfortable being close to him at the moment and i am waiting for my feelings of love to come back. At the moment fear, worry and self doubt are masking them all.
How did others cope with the reconcilliation phase? Did anyone try couples counselling? I don't know what to do next 🙁
Such a familiar story, like you I look at relationships and think why have I ended up like this? Why wasn't my upbringing like little house on the prairie? Deep down I think we all want that prince to take care of us but it's so unrealistic!! In meetings you see so many people who are intelligent successful business people but they are compulsive gamblers and their pain & loss feels the same as the person whose on job seekers allowance. I know you've been betrayed, lied to and must feel so angry if he's like me he's devastated to have hurt you like this but whilst gambling all logic goes we are consumed with first winning then chasing the loss to a normal person it sounds mad! To a gambler it's exactly the same as drugs & alcohol addiction. He will stop when he's ready and the pain he causes to himself & others will be part of that. Initially it's such a vulnerable place he needs as much support as possible, I know you said he didn't like GA but has he been going others? For me it's the only thing to help as people have total understanding and it takes away some of the shame esp with the hurt caused to the nearest. With GA is gamanon which is for friends family wives to get more information to understand this illness, maybe suggest going with him sometimes they are on at same time. I also handed all my finances over to OH as money was a trigger, for now I'm fine with that I take a daily amount and it helps keep me safe. Im now 11 months without a bet I wish you both all the best xxx
Hi B15939,
Thanks for your posts; and well done for sharing your story here.
It seems like you’ve been going through a difficult time with the impact of your husband’s gambling problem, and that is understandable. It also seems like you’re making the necessary effort to support him, and also make the relationship work.
It’s never easy, and no one can determine the future; one has to live on hope, hoping that he’ll live up to what he’s promised, and also hoping that this time, the situation would be different.
You said that he’s attending counselling to help him change his lifestyle for the better, for which I wish him the best outcome for it.
At the same time, you must also try to look after yourself. As you mentioned, attending couple counselling might be a good support for both of you but, it’s not advisable to have more counselling sessions running simultaneously. That can cause some confusion when dealing with the situation that you find yourself in.
Maybe, you’d like to contact our free phone Helpline on: 0808 8020 133, and have a 1 to 1 chat with one of our advisers.
I wish you all the best in your effort to support your husband to overcome his gambling problem, and remember to look after yourself too.
Take care,
Beatrice
We are available 24 hours a day, every day of the year. You can also contact us for free on 0808 80 20 133. If you would like to find out more about the service before you start, including information on confidentiality, please click below. Call recordings and chat transcripts are saved for 28 days for quality assurance.
