Hi, this is the first time i have ever done anything like this and there is so much to say i don't know where to begin, i just know i am feeling so low and depressed i can't carry on. We have had a huge fall out over him constantly lying about his wages because he has gambled them and then not being able to pay me house keeping money. He is always threatening to leave me and this time says its for real, the arguements are terrible and i feel so yukkie about myself. This has become a problem ever since his brother told him to get his wages paid into his own account instead of the joint account !!! his gambling has become out of control and so have the lies that go with it ....i don't trust a word he says and am always catching him out , he says he is going for a " short walk" then i catch him in the bookies everytime.The worse thing is he doesn't even care if i spot him he is more cross with me for following him.. i feel i am in the wrong all the time. I have had the week from hell, his not talking to me , sleeping on the seatte and cooking his own dinners. I just wanted him to say he was sorry for upsetting me but i don't think he even realises he is in the wrong. Maybe it is me i don't know anymore.
I feel so lonely and have no one to tell as i don't want my family to know, they all have there own worries.
i don't want him to leave but can't carry on , so sorry i am sounding so sorry for myself but just so beside myself..
Hi lovely
I am a recovering CG.
I am sorry to say that while he has access to cash, he will gamble. A gambler will punt if he has the cash. Whether his brother knew it or not, he is helping to enabling your partner to gamble.
The best thing you can do at this moment is confide in someone. Don't keep this bottled up, it won't do you any good. A family member or friend would be ideal. Everyone has problems in life, that is one of the reasons why family is important. They would want to know, so they can help you through this. 🙁 If the positions were reversed, wouldn't you like to be able to help your family?
I think you would also benefit by getting some counselling through Gamcare. Ask them how to broach the subject of him going to a counsellor or attending GA. If somebody had told me to go to GA in the midst of my gambling, my response would not have been pleasant so I would suggest that you don't bring the subject up until you have spoken to a counsellor. A partner of a gambler might well reply with a couple of suggestions for you on this subject as to how they broached/or not, the subject of GA.
If he is unwilling to accept that he has a problem, you are unfortunately in for a long bumpy road. You can not make him stop gambling. He has to want to stop. It is out of your control.
Take care with your finances. Do NOT trust him. When we are in the throes of gambling we will lie, steal and manipulate so we can have a bet.
I have in the past compared my gambling as akin to having a mistress. I loved my family, but the mistress always took precedence. It was always in my thoughts and dreams. I loved every minute of it, yet I hated it at the same time because I knew I was throwing my future away. I just didn't care.
Have a read of some of the threads on this forum. You will benefit greatly from the insights and advice that has been given.
Above all, do not blame yourself. You are NOT to blame. Nothing you have done is the cause of his gambling.
Take care
I am in a very similar position as you. My partner lies constantly about money. I catch him gambling, usually by checking bank statements, but he tries to deny everything tells me I'm out of order for accusing him, but then usually admits it later on. I'm the mug that thinks he will stop this time because he promises, then a month later we go through it all again. Today though, he has point blank denied everything. He takes small amounts of cash at a time out of his account at cashpoints near his work so I can't PROVE he uses it in the bookies but I'm not an idiot. I just don't think I can take this anymore. Why does he lie to me? I wish I could stand up and walk away from him but I can't. I'm running out of other options here.
Wal1957 thank you for your reply, i did always have the bank account cards and just gave him pocket money, he would pester for more as he always spent the weekends in the bookies but it was never so bad, just annoying really. The drinking that came with it use to upset me more but thats calmed down since he has had full access to his wages. Yesterday i took his bank card so he wouldn't be able to use his wages, shall we say he wasn't happy, i gave him £40 for the week and yes of course its all gone, i have told him that is all he was going to have so think i have another horrible week ahead especially as it's bank Holiday and he has no cigarettes!!! he will batter me mentally but he has done it for so long i know what excuses he will try and use.The main problem i have is he will borrow from his friends so in advance of this i have told him i will not be giving him the money to pay them back.....he is going to really grind me down but i am so determined this time, like having another child sometimes...
I think the main reason i don't tell people is because i want them to like him and if he knew my family knew he wouldn't visit so causing me to make excuses for him and theres enough lying going on ...
Lec04 i think our husbands are at the same point.... mine can spend up to 8 hours Saturday and Sunday in the bookies, playing and just watching, i know where he is and what his doing, he usually comes back drunk as well. His bank statements show that every 4 minutes he has gone to a cashpoint and drawn out £20 - £100 a time this being done till the money is gone. He thinks it is fine as it's his wages but although i work i would like to spend money on the house as there are jobs in desperate need of being done. Half the problem is i like to save and he isn't bothered.
The lies are the wosre aren't they, i get " his friend needs help", pay day was late !! he got stuck in traffic when late home but i am ready for that as i have already been down the road and seen him in the bookies....he never really gets anything pass me but it doesn't stop him just makes him seem like he doesn't care.
I agree ...it is like he is cheating on me (that is the only thing that seems to upset him...) i feel he has more feelings towards Roulette than me ....
Thank you for the advise Half-Life. It is a horrible position to be in and really although its gone on for years it is only this week that i have decided to take strong action against it. He has often said he won't do it anymore but here we are, i told him i'm so dizzy going round in cirles with it that it is now my turn for him to do things my way and if he doesn't like it theres' the door !!!. I do really feel for him as he actually doesn't have any family here and no real friends other than gambling friends who really only use each other at the end of the day.he has no where else to go but i'm not putting up with it anymore. His brother only visited him for a few weeks and look what mess he left behind, mind you he did also tell him his friends were not good people and to stop drinking and gambling but he only took notice of the changing bank account bit.
Oh well looks like i have got to keep hiding my cards and taking my handbag with me when i go to the loo !!!what a way to live ....
hi I was married to a man that drank too much and would become an embarrassment to me. And same as you would make excuses for him as wanted people and family to like him. Unfortunately I had a gambling problem which was made worse by the depression and lonelyness I felt as he would be in his study drinking and I would be online gambling (he wasnt aware how much I was spending though). So a very bad combination for a couple! but you dont deserve to have to put up with both, drink and gambling and being treated with disrespect and basically mental abuse. As a gambler I know how easy it was to put the blame on my ex partner for my spending, I would lie about finances etc but now I am divorced, have my own house, lovmy life and still gambled! it will be very hard for you as your partner is doing exactly what I did, when my ex realised our finances were in a mess, he restricted my money and to be honest it just made me dig my heels in and get nasty and moody.With regard to the drinking my ex wouldnt stop even though he said he loved me and now we are divorced but still friends, he is exactly the same. I left because he started having drinking mates around and I felt like the lodger in my own house! Sounds like you are a strong person but we can only take so much, so he really does need to decide what his priorities are either shape up or ship out! as he does need some sort of wake up call. Hope he realises that all you are doing for him is because you care, if you didnt am sure you would have kicked him out. So he is lucky he has someone who is there for him and strong minded enough to stand up to him. xx
Hi Lovely
Don't worry about how he will feel if your family knew. Look after yourself. Talking eases the stress, frustration and anger at your predicament. It helps you keep sane. 🙂
Support in this situation is very necessary. You will in all likelihood need a shoulder to lessen the burden at some stage. Gamcare or Gamanon would be your next options.
This addiction is tough on all concerned. If you don't look after yourself mentally, it will wear you down.
Take care
You've started talking, thats the best thing you've done so far, you are not alone in all this and those of us who know the pain and lonliness read and post here so we can help you and help ourselves recover from this nightmare.
I do advise talking to your family and friends, they will know something is wrong, they'll be guessing and getting it wrong, making assumptions, worrying about what it might be, the actual truth often comes as a relief, once everyone knows what the monster is, they can start to help. I do know that it is hard to start this, even though in hindsight I wish I'd told people much sooner, i know its hard. Talking to counsellors or a gam anon group can be the easiest ways to start talking, and of course this forum is always here.
You have done nothing wrong, you should not be feeling ashamed of this situation, you're keeping secrets for someone who doesnt deserve that protection, you put the gamblers needs above your own and it will cost you your own mental health.
Get selfish... you're the only sane person in this relationship at the moment, what you say goes...
Dont take his anger personally, he isnt right, he is just trying to deflect your attention from what he is doing, accusing you of being the "bad" one is just a tactic to take attention of his actions and buy himself more time to gamble. It is the addiction talking and it is insane, dont give it any thought, its all b******t.
Hide all your money and anything of value, this is were family can be great, looking after precious things for you until this storm has blown over.
You cannot stop your gambler gambling, but you can save yourself and it doing so, you might just create the circusmatcnes where they hit rock bottom and opt for recovery, but they could very well continue to gamble, so saving yourself is the most important thing you can do now.
Stop worrying about the gambler and channel your thoughts into making yourself safe, healthy and happy.
Keep talking
I really really want to thank everyone., the kindness you have shown me has left me a bit overwhelmed.The fact you all have taken time to post to me and support means so much you will never know.
My parents are elderly but like you say probably know something is wrong, i have said bits but made it sound casual but they do wonder why things around the house aren't taken care of. My friends would be so surprised as they think i'm life and soul of the party without a care in the world but i'm going to start saying.....
I can be stubborn and so think i can stick to being firm and handing no extra money to him, i did say if he wanted more he will have to phone his mum (she is abroad and he sends her money) and he didn't like that at all but that was my answer, everytime he repeated himself so did i....sounds really childish doesn't it.
The weekend so far has been good but he is out working (videos weddings ) but last night when he came home we said nothing and he slept on the seatte ! at least he didn't ask for money for cigs...... dreading monday though.Will have to put my stubborn hat on !!!!
Oh my, wish i'd found this forum years ago then this would possibly be all behind me. Thought i was wrong not letting him have his wages as he had earned them so it's now nice to know that what i am doing isn't awful, well he does have money for what he needs £20 for cigs and £20 for whatever and once its gone its gone.....if things don't improve i will also stop the extra £20 but see what happens for now.
Not feeling good tonight , he doesn't seem to want to change so feel i am hitting my head against a brick wall.
I feel for you I really do, your husband sounds just the same as my ex partner. (I say ex but we are still currently living in the same house) The gambling and drinking just got too much for me and I had to make a choice to take back my life as my own. For all he said he wanted to change and it would stop there was no effort on his part, he just got more sneaky and lied more to try and cover his tracks.
I can tell you it will be hard...but the one thing I have learned is to put myself first..I am not being 2nd best to a betting shop or a bottle of cider for anyone.
Hi lovely 15,
im very familiar with that feeling. I spent months trying everything I could think of but nothing worked. Infact I still feel that I'm behind in the whole process. It's not easy, hang in there. I'm in no position to give advise as I'm still vey much living it. I always hope the man I married will resurface. That's what keeps me going.
He just says he is better single.... thats not what i want but if he chooses Ms. Roulette over me what am i to do...can't compete with a 6ft tall flashing machine!!
I am hoping he will come round but he seems so angry, told him why is he as i've done nothing (well only taken his card !!) but put up with him doing his own thing for years, now i've put my foot down he is having a tantrum.
Think the best thing to do is let him go even though it is breaking my heart... why is it i always do the crying and have the sleepless nights ??
Kar872, you sound like you have been through the same as i have, my husband use to drink every weekend and was a very nasty drunk, he has slowed it down which has made the gambling even worse, or more noticeable. Just seems to be one thing after another.
why am i left so upset and he doesn't seem to care, just want him to say i am more important and mean it....
Hi Lovely
I am a compulsive gambler.
I put my partner through hell with lies, decit and money problems. Although she never knew for certain it was due to gambling she had her suspicions. I used to take money from joint accounts and lie for the reasons for doing so, i never had any of my own money and never wanted to devote too much time for her incase she found out what i was hiding.
However, although my actions may not have suggested, it did not mean that i did not love my partner any less. In fact i my love for her was soo much that i wanted to provide for her the material things i thought she wanted to feel this love. I stayed gambling to try and win money to buy her these things.
It could be that your husband is in a similar state of mind and that he absolutley hates himself for not being able to provide you what you need and much more.
I have been told many times that people gamble due to underlying emotional issues and Its such emotional problems that keep us gambling. By the sounds of it your husband may have more (you said he has no family/friends etc) maybe he is sub-consciously in turmoil over this too and gambles to suppress and prevent himself dealing with these feelings.
Unfortunately there will be 2 things which may cause him to do something. Like myself falling on your a**e, i lost my job had no money, stole etc and had no option to change. Or he makes a conscious decision that hes had enough and wants to change. Without either im afraid he is unlikely to face his issues and do something about his problem.
Maybe losing you will be the push he needs? I know that is probably not the most diplomatic thing to say.
Have you sat down with him and fully explained how you are feeling without getting angry at each other?
If he angers easily then this may be better done in a letter.
Ultimately your partner has to want to change whether thats from a moment of clarity or being forced into a corner where change is the only option. No matter what you do will not change him, you have to do what is best for you.
Affected by gambling?
Looking for support?
We are available 24 hours a day, every day of the year. You can also contact us for free on 0808 80 20 133. If you would like to find out more about the service before you start, including information on confidentiality, please click below. Call recordings and chat transcripts are saved for 28 days for quality assurance.