So back in June my fiancé told me about his gambling problem. He gambled all of his finances. He also stole money from his parents to gamble.
when he came clean I was extremely supportive and I promised to stay by his side to help him.
Recently I noticed that he didn’t have money to go out and go for dinner and he reassured me that he had paid fees for a course. I asked him if I could see his online bank to prove that that was where the funds went .. he became extremely angry at me and very defensive and told me I was being invasive of his privacy.
I feel like he should have shown me his bank but he says it’s private and nothing to do with me. He also said it’s my own problem if I dont trust him even though he broke the trust.
this resulted in us breaking up. I told him I could not be in a relationship with no trust.
we are meeting for a coffee on Friday and I really don’t know what to think.
I would love to give him a chance as we plan on spending our lives together. But I cannot trust him and he does not want to be transparent
Am I wrong for asking to see the bank statements?
I think it’s really good that you’re opening up about this, because I’m in a very similar situation but the shoe is on the other foot.
I’ve recently done the exact same thing your fiancé has done. Hid my relapse, and refused to show transactions. It’s a slippery slope and it’s at this point frank discussions need to be had.
I admitted my relapse, which broke my partner, maybe the lying more than the money, because she controls my finances, I had a bit on the side.
She decided to separate, she’s going back home and she’s going to reset. I’m going to therapy and going to work on this. Perhaps it could be the best thing for us and it could be a great success story? Or maybe we come out the other side and are really content with our mental health to move on, at the end of the day it’s incredibly stressful going through all this for both of us.
Unfortunately honest discussions need to be had, and after that frank chat first, the consequence and severity of the situation sinks in. Everybody has their own path, but right now the cycle of gambling and hiding it is not healthy or sustainable.
I’m so sorry to hear that you are in this situation. I truly believe that everyone deserves a second chance.
I hope that my fiancé can just be honest with me about his gambling. I am so afraid that even after the break up he still won’t be honest with me.
im also afraid that he is willing to leave me rather than be honest.
I feel like an idiot fighting to save his life when he seems to not even care about me or about the relying.
why is it that he won’t show me? Is there a possibility that he could just be very stubborn and is refusing to give in to me.?
I'm sure it's not because he doesn't care about you, the gambling has probably well & truly got hold of him & he is embarrassed but won't admit that. I'm the gambler in our relationship which first started when I lost my job to poor health 12 years ago (I am now registered disabled, no longer able to work & my husband is my full time carer), it began as something to do whilst my husband was at work & I was stuck at home alone, it was boredom!. After giving up smoking, I seemed to have swapped the smoking addiction for gambling in a big way & this is when the problem really started. I consider myself extremely lucky as over the years I have been bailed out 3 times financially by family members, all whilst keeping it a secret from my husband. 2 years ago my daughter bailed me out of my increased debt yet again but only on the condition I told my husband the truth. That was the hardest thing I had done, I really thought our relationship was over, he didn't speak to me for 10 days, mainly because he was so hurt that I had kept this from him for so long. he agreed to support me if I got help. I had counselling from gamcare, who then referred me to the national problem gambling clinic, CBT & more counselling but I just wasn't able to stop. The compulsion was too much. Even with casino blockers in place I learnt how to take them off. My husband finally told me I had to quit or he would leave but I still couldnt. I'm now back with the national problem gambling clinic again for the second time & back under the mental health team to help me manage my compulsive disorder (also diagnosed with personality disorder & more recently adhd) My husband doesn't trust me at all & I get that 100%, he shouldn't trust me at the moment, that is something that I need to earn again. In fact NO ONE in my family trusts me at all when it comes to money & that's my own fault, nobody elses. I am a very lucky person as they are all standing by me & supporting me. My husband's understands now how the compulsion to gambling just takes over but he also sees how hard I am trying to over come this, our love for each other is so strong it makes up for the lack of trust at the moment I've now been gamble free for 21 days the longest ever in the past 12 years. It's just a case of taking one day at a time. You are 100% right not to trust your partner but he needs to acknowledge that is his own fault not yours & yes you are not wrong asking to see his bank statement. I guess what I'm trying to say living with an addict is extremely difficult, we lie & deceive, only you can decide if you are prepared to be in that relationship. I think it's important for him to be honest with you. Does he want to give up gambling? Is he prepared to get help? Is he prepared to be open & honest with you? And most importantly is he prepared to accept that this is HIS ADDICTION not yours, only he can be the one to stop. I do hope you can manage to work things out, it will be a long process & not easy on either of you. Good luck lovely...
If he isn't showing you it's because he's hiding something. Trust me, I've been there.
Ever since being clean I'm very proud of my credit report and never care if I'm looking at my online banking and need to show my wife something, I'm proud it's got no gambling transactions.
Maybe start with trying to access his credit file. This will be a starter to see if there are any bad things.
When I was gambling I'd use every excuse as to why I couldn't access my banking or reports...it's because I was a gambler and liar and I knew I had a lot to hide
Hi all, thank you so much for the replies and support.
we met during the week to talk and the relationship is now finished.
he told me he wants to break up due to the fact that since he’s told me about his gambling he’s not happy. he wants to leave that part of his life in the past. He also said that he can’t move on from it because I ‘can’t seem to let it go’ and I ask him about it and encourage him to get help. (Which he doesn’t think he needs and he doesn’t want it)
he also said we weren’t happy together. I never felt this in the relationship and he also couldn’t pinpoint anything as to why we were unhappy.
to me this felt like one big excuse so he could continue to gamble without me being around to question him.
I feel heartbroken, I also feel like an idiot wanting to stay by his side and help and support him through this addiction.. and meanwhile he told me ‘we don’t get on anymore’ which was b******t because we were so happy together….
im so sad for him I really hope he can pull himself together
It's 100% so he has no one to answer to. He isn't ready to stop and get is going to end up losing a lot more
Most important thing is you safeguard yourself. I'm sure deep down he loves you but he has taken the 'easy way out'. At our worst we are irrational and hurtful.
Just concentrate on you. Unfortunately he is in a downward spiral and you don't need to be part of that. When he hits his rock bottom he will realise that he's messed up big time.
Hi all, thank you so much for the replies and support.
we met during the week to talk and the relationship is now finished.
he told me he wants to break up due to the fact that since he’s told me about his gambling he’s not happy. he wants to leave that part of his life in the past. He also said that he can’t move on from it because I ‘can’t seem to let it go’ and I ask him about it and encourage him to get help. (Which he doesn’t think he needs and he doesn’t want it)
he also said we weren’t happy together. I never felt this in the relationship and he also couldn’t pinpoint anything as to why we were unhappy.
to me this felt like one big excuse so he could continue to gamble without me being around to question him.
I feel heartbroken, I also feel like an idiot wanting to stay by his side and help and support him through this addiction.. and meanwhile he told me ‘we don’t get on anymore’ which was b******t because we were so happy together….
im so sad for him I really hope he can pull himself together
I am so sorry you are sad.
my daughter left her husband in February this year. He gambled lots of money in 2019 and then again in 2021. His parents spoke to him, we offered to help him. My Daughter offered to help him. However after a few relapses she came home.
She was very angry but since then has got a better job, got a new man. She is happy. That’s all I wanted for her. Her ex only went to gamblers anonymous twice but he did go to counselling for 2 months. He has a new girlfriend now and posts frequently on instagram and Facebook.
I often Looked and thought to myself- is he still gambling? My question was answered as a friend of my husband said the ex had been in touch and wanted to be part of their weekly fottie accumulator and put in £10 per week. His request was declined and when it was he got very defensive saying
’well it’s ok I’ve stopped betting’, to which they replied why do you ask then?
Its sad but you will be happy again you will set yourself free and sadly until he gets help he will NEVER be free. It’s an awful addiction because it hurts so many people. The excuse he gave you was trying to pin it on you.
stand up tall, my lovely, you have done nothing wrong apart from love him.
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