i have been with my husband for 8 years and had two children. When we initially got together he was the perfect boyfriend and after a few months we moved in together. He said he had a problem with gambling but was going to give up. Soon after though he would disappear for days sometimes all night. I though he was riding his bike on long rides (how naive). Then I fell pregnant (planned) and everything went terribly wrong the money started being an issue the mood and lies in the house started coming thick and fast. I ended up really poorly with the baby and an ultimatum from my midwife that if I continued with the stress I could lose the baby. I made a decision to leave by then he told me had met someone else and we didn't speak. He moved in with his girlfriend (a girl working at an arcade! The irony!) at the end of the road and I went on to have our son after being really poorly with pre eclampsia. I allowed him to see him as much as e wanted and I wanted him to have a relationship with his son. After I got into a short relationship with one of mutual friends. We got back together in the July on the condition that the gambling stopped and I fell pregnant again a few months later (accidentally) then the gambling started getting out of control I was completely trapped not wanting to have a baby on my own again. Since then he has continued to gamble promise he won't gone to ga self excluded I have been to the arcades and begged them to not let him in. When he's gambling the atomophsphere in the house changes. He criticises everything I do. I'm a c**P mum, I don't have his food ready the house is a mess I don't work hard enough. I never believed I was worth anymore. I actually felt lucky that he ad stayed with me and married me after all what happeneed. He blamed all his gambling on me that it was my fault. After a particularly horrendous time when he spent my birthday gambling out mortgage money I had enough. But. I gave him one more chance as he promised to get help. I contacted ara for him to get counselling. Someone there offered me help and counselling. After years it's been all about him and his needs I forgot about myself. As per usual he started after 3 sessions said they said he was fixed! And didn't need it anymore. I've continued with the counselling. It has ignited something within me. I finally feel that I'm worth more than this. I had the confidence to say yesterday that he needs to get help as I can't have him ever gamble again. He said he couldn't promise that he won't . So I have said if you gamble again I can be with you. Are you choosing gambling over me and our children? He said yes! After years of lies and promises he's finally telling me the truth. I honestly feel relieved but I know I can't be with him if he can't promise he won't do it again. Sorry for the long post! I don't know what to do next?
Hi esta, oh how it makes me angry and sad to read your story. His loss. As you've had counselling I'm sure you know, keep all finances separate. Safe guard yourself. Sometimes there is no choice and if he won't stop you've fine the right thing for you. They all play the same game, blame is never theirs. Just look after yourself and the kids. He's on the road to hell so don't let him take you too. Take one day at a time. Call gamcare if you need to talk. You've given him more than enough opportunity to stop, don't punish yourself it's nothing to do with you. Stay strong!
Thanks for the support! Ive felt so alone for so long . I always looked after the finances. We bought a house last year during a period that he didn't gamble and he was attending ga. it's only his name on the mortgage but I'm going to see a solicitor to make sure that my home is safe for us. I'm just going to concentrate on our boys and making the rest of the holidays nice for them. I finally feel at peace for so long I've hoped things would change so badly as I do love him and wanted us to be a family, but not at the cost of myself or the boys. I can't have the threat of it hanging over us all anymore. Thank you for taking time to read my post and write back x
Hi esta just make sure he's paid mortgage. Do some credit checks, maybe financial adviser. Ask gamcare for advice. Good luck x
Thank you I will do going to send off for the Expedia checks today x
Hello Esta
Sounds like you have had to be really strong to protect yourself and your children. As others have said, if you want to, please do give us a call on the GamCare helpline on 0808 8020 133 or chat to us on the NetLine. best wishes
Forum Admin.
Thank you I have spoken to gamcare before and it really helped. I'm trying to be strong today as I know I can't live like it anymore. Thanks for the support x
Hi Esta :))
Thank's for the reply on the f and f section as it's good for me as a Compulsive Gambler to get the family's side of the mess we cause , I'm all for the truth being told if I'm honest but many seem reluctant to go that route if they can avoid it , which I can understand but I personally think doesn't do any good in the long term .
I've just read your story and it certainly seems as though youve been through some rough times over the years , I know your story is not mine but I almost feel like I want to apologise for all the things we do , as you said in your post to me a lot of Gamblers think you resent the money but I've heard that before from other f and f's that you feel it was as though they'd been having an affair which I suppose is true in some respects . it's just that gambling was our mistress ! .
I think youve made awise decision now as he's clearly not ready to change and the focus is on limiting the damage he's able to cause and looking after yourself and the children .
Youve already had some good advice and I'm sure it won't be the last on here , if were gamblers or those affected by it the supports' always here .
I'll keep an eye on your post but until the next time we speak , I really wish you well :))
Thanks again
Alan
But tI Thank you so much Alan for taking the time to read and write back to me. It's been a horrible time but I finally feel like A weight has been lifted. I've felt more understood here and in my counselling than I have done in years. I pray my husband gets the help he needs one day to be as insightful as you. He's not ready to accept help I can see a great big crash coming his way but he cant see it. He thinks I'm being negative and unsupportive. I realise now though he's got to want it for himself before anything. He has said he hasn't gambled for 3 months but he's been buying scratch cards with the boys and they told my mum when they went to the shop daddy always gets 16. It sounds silly but this is how the slippery road starts because he thinks he can just gamble for fun.
I honestly don't know why we aren't enough for him? It hurts so much!
But thank you Alan as your words have been a comfort x
I just caught your post before bed Esta .
You know when you say that " You can't understand why we aren't enough for him " I can understand the hurt you must be feeling that his choice is his gambling over his family and I'm not making any type of excuse here but when we are Compulsive Gamblers in denial ie , not ready to stop we really don't see a problem and can't understand why our gambling and our family's can't just " Get along " it really is that messed up I'm afraid , I would have done anything for my family when in full addiction mode except for two thing's " acknowledge that I had a problem " and " Do something about it " ie " Stop gambling " . I really don't doubt in his mind hje loves you all , just as I thought about my family but until he want's to stop and seek help his way is working just fine in his mind , which in a roundabout way just say's to him " Keep on doing what your doing " , It's taken me alomg time to begin to understand the way I behaved so how the Family and friends have a cat in hell'schance of understanding I really don't know ?
The only thing I pray for you is that his " Eurika " moment or Crash as you put it comes sooner than later .
I'm glad your getting at least some comfort in being here and through councilling at least from that perspective , you'll be armed with knowledge for the road ahead and as knowledge is power that can only be beneficial to you and your family .
I'm sure we'll talk again but for now Good night :))
We are available 24 hours a day, every day of the year. You can also contact us for free on 0808 80 20 133. If you would like to find out more about the service before you start, including information on confidentiality, please click below. Call recordings and chat transcripts are saved for 28 days for quality assurance.
