For Cynical Wife

Hi As sorry to hear of your troubles, if your son is a danger to both yourself & himself, is unwilling to consider any kind of treatment, it maybe worth considering sectioning. I'm not suggesting it's the answer but worth you being aware of all options

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Hi, AS67,

I'm glad you found the leaflets as helpful as I did but I'm so very sorry to hear of the present troubles. You can't live like that, your safety and well being are paramount. And having a few quid in the house shouldn't mean becoming embroiled in a CG's game of hide and seek. I've heard it likened to chasing mice, but what's needed is for the addict to block off the hole.

I hope that things get better for you and that it doesn't depend on whether or not your son gambles.

Focus on you, take care.

CW

Hi

We were woken at 4am by shouting to find our son wanting to be in, we told him no. He rapidly got worse screaming hatred at us and then he said he was going to kill himself. Today I really believed he'd do it.

He ran off into some woods next to where we live, I had no option but to call the Police. It took them a while but they found him. They said they were taking him to a place of safety, no idea what that means or where but for now hes safe.

Ive no idea what happens now but I hope hes getting the help he badly needs.

Big hugs to you...xx

Hi, AS67,

That must have been horrific for you and your husband, I'm sorry. Nothing's easy, certainly not following the conventional advice.

A relationship with a CG really does involve drama. It's fair enough to give the message that a tantrum outside the window at 4.00am won't change things, his desperation is of his own making and he needs to fix it. First time round, my husband took the biggest suitcase he could find and made a whole show of leaving (because of me, naturally, I gave him no choice), much to the children's consternation...he got as far as the other side of the front door, a friend "talked him out of going"...actually, when I unpacked the suitcase afterwards, it was almost empty. I shouldn't have asked the friend, I protected him from going nowhere and it didn't help.

You've been here before and found that letting him in and believing what he says doesn't work. Your son may even mean it whilst he's cold and hungry but then the addiction takes over.

If your son can blame you for his situation, then he doesn't have to take responsibility for his actions and their consequences. No doubt facing up to reality is very painful for him and who better to lash out at than parents who enforce boundaries, who pass the responsibility back to him? All the drama is very manipulative but you know that.

His feeling the hard consequences should tell him what you couldn't and hopefully he will accept help. And he needs help for the depression as well but the depression and the addiction go together, really the best help would be from GA. Is there any realistic prospect of him moving near to GA if GA can't come to him?

Step back and let him try to fix things himself, you can't. Focus on you, take some time to put the nightmare aside and do something nice for you. Easier said than done, but try.

Take care,

CW

Hi,

I am so sad when reading all your troubles and I wish you well.

In your current situation I agree with Dan and hopefully what they call a "place of safety" will also include a medical (both physically and mentally).

You will need to keep in regular contact with the Police and you may wish to request a mental health assessment. In years gone by there used to be a 28 day section available.

Take care and best wishes x

Hi

Im furious theyve released him to the care of a friend and he doesnt want us to know where he is. I was told he'd be assessed but because technically hes already getting counselling thats sufficent. Catch is hes not going to the counselling, he can be very convincing he's so good he'll have you believing black is white.

Cynical Wife there is a place he was going to try before, its not GA but similar, he got to the door and decided he didnt like the place. Its not so easy to get now though its some distance away and it was when he lived away from home. But again he doesnt want to stop so will continue to make excuses.

Ive just spoken to my counsellor and she said exactly the same thing, its easier for him to blame us than accept responsibility for his actions. All we've ever wanted for him was to be well and happy and how the hell we ever got to this point is still beyond me. Speaking to my counsellor has cleared my head a little and Ive realised I dont want him in my life any more, if he wants to gamble and behave the way he does he can do it with out us. Counselling for me before used to be about looking after myself while trying to support him but this time will be different. I dont want to help him any more and I want to move on with my life with out him in it.

The officers who took my son away have gone off duty but one of them is going to call later to tell me whats happening but as my son doesnt want us knowing anything its probably going to be a waste of time.

Yesterday after my son trashed the house and I ended up locking myself in the loo because I was frightend of him, we've decided that we're going to put some things in place to protect me. Im not sure what they are yet but theidea is that he wont be allowed to come any where near the house. I was so scared of my own son, and we've been sleeping with a lock on our bedroom door for ages because both my husband I have "concerns", thats no way to live.

Thanks again for the advice and support.

Hi, AS67,

Mental health services/systems are stretched to the limit, easier to hand him over to the gf or whatever other friend he has left. Said friend may not want too many dramas and repeated dramas. As to him not letting you know where he is, that's sounds like him exercising what little power he has, manipulation, blame etc. I wouldn't advise you to look for him, partly to set boundaries, partly to avoid getting dragged in etc, but of course you want to know that he's basically safe.

I'm sorry that it's all so hard and frustrating for you. Look after yourself.

CW

Hi

Im sure you're right he us still trying to throw his weight around, thats just typical of him. We wont be going looking for him, yes I do want to know he's safe but other than that Im not interested. When we dont react to his tantrums it knocks the wind right out if him and when we dont go looking for him it will give him a shock he's so used to having the upper hand. I suspect that hes with his girlfriend, they have lived together before and he gave her just as bad a time as he does us, so she knows full well what she's letting herself in for.

We've been living this way for so long its became normal to live with chaos and drama but I just dont want to do it any more. I love him as much as ever but really dont want him in my life while he's a gambler and even if he were to choose recovery hes done so much damage I cant say for sure Id want to know then either.

I thought after all thats happened in the last couple of days Id feel really upset but I actually feel calm and collected, I think its because Ive accepted its time to call it a day.

I'm so sorry... this is hell on earth for you.

Hi there - I'm really sorry for what you are all going through. You love your son but you shouldn't be afraid to be in your own home, that simply is not acceptable! It's such a sad story, one that you would never dream would happen to your family I'm sure. - I hope your son gets the help he needs to be able to 'get better' and I hope you can find the strength to reclaim your life back, your heart must be aching. Take care - wcid

Hi

Thank you WCID you're right no one should be frightened in their own home, both my husband and I are scared of him. Theres times when my son seems to lose sense of reality and completely loses the plot, and while he does hes raging and it makes a very scary sight. I used to think that when he did that he had some kind of mental illness other than what usually goes with a cg, but he can walk out the door and behave perfectly normal with everyone else. We've became used to living this way and looking back theres been some very distrurbing moments where anyone else looking in would of been seriously worried. A few months ago my other son had been trying to call me and couldnt get through, then he tried his dad and the same thing, it was just bad reception. My poor son was panicked, he really thought, cant get hold of either Mum or Dad my brother has finally flipped and done them in.

At the time I laughed it off , but it certainly wasnt funny for son he really thought his brother was capable of hurting us.

We used to be such a happy family, and how we've got to this point Ive no idea, theres nothing I can think of that can explain this, I dont think I'll ever understand.

I feel totally heartbroken but Ive accepted that its time to call it a day. I wonder if my son has any idea just how much damage he's done, or is he so blinded with hating us that he just doesnt see it.

Hi as67,

First of all can i just say im sorry to hear how much pain it is you are going through.....but i definitely think you are doing the right thing.

Secondly i just want to say something about you last point. I once went around 3/4 years without speaking to my dad which was intially caused by my gabmbling. I never hated my dad though, i hated myself and I took it out on my dad. I was selfish and the only way i could think of hurting him was to not speak to him.

Although i have started gambling recently again, i had stopped for quite some time, and me and my dad had made up and have a very good relantionship now. Although he doesnt know of my relapse yet I know I can (and will) go to him and he will support me. I dont need or want his money I just need him to support me and i know I will only get that if I am doing things to help myself.

Like everyone is teeling you here the best thing you can do is break contact and he will evetually realise that he needs to fix himself on his own. As hard as it is you cannot do that for him. Dont let him come back unless he has fully admitted he has an issue and he is taking steps to deal with it....and make him prove it.

I really feel for you and I hope it all goes well.

Stay strong.

Damian

Hi

Thank you ITDamo.

Im sorry to hear about your relapse, I hope you get back on track soon.

I know my son has very low self esteem and I can see hes hurting and I would of liked nothing more than to of been able to give him the support he needs. However he has no desire to stop gambling he still refuses to even admit he has a problem. Id like to think that he doesnt really hate us, but some of the things hes said and done are so awful its hard not to take it personally. We're not talking about some mood swings or the silent treatment that he frequently does, Im talking about real jaw dropping insults and lies that really really hurt, and I doubt we'll ever be able to forget. I know hes hurting but theres only so much abuse you can take.

We have cut all contact and as awful as it is going to be for him when reality kicks in he's going to have to do that with out us.