Hi honeyB
Im the mum of a compulsive gambler.
All compulsive gamblers behave the same as your partner and my son, it doesnt matter who they are to us its still the same addict behaviour.
My son has been gambling for a good 5 years, hes still very young and it started when he was at school., just scratch cards to begin with. Like all cg's over time his addiction got worse and so did his behaviour, by the time he was 18 he was a very serious gambler betting on practically anything although online roulette is his favourite.
We tried everything possible to help him, and nothing worked, there were very brief glimpses of improvement but they never lasted. He was sheer hell to live with so we gave him some basic house rules, be polite and considerate of others, pay back in small amounts the money he stole from us and no more stealing - ( stole from us several times) and pay a small amount towards rent, none of it lasted, it was always a fight to to get him to follow any of it.
Rather than rehash it all you can see my posts by my former name as67, its not pretty though, but its how my life used to be.
We went round and round in circles and it was obvious he wasnt going to change, and I wasnt coping very well so Gamcare arranged some counselling for me. It made the world of difference I started to understand my son more and most importantly my own behaviour, it gave me the strength to start sticking up for myself for want of a better expression.
My husband and I told our son that if he wasnt prepared to do the very basic things we asked of him he couldnt live with us any more, we warned him many times until eventually we threw him out, we did 2 or 3 times and each time he came back after a few weeks.
He was living rough and as his mum it was more than I could bare, I gave in each time and he came back after he promised to do what we asked of him. We had a few days were he seemed to be a little better but basically he was just trying to get us off his back and then it was back to the usual bad behaviour.
This cycle went on and on and eventually we knew if we gave ultimatums we had to be prepared to see them through to the end other wise he didnt believe us and we would end up right back at square one again.
Three months ago my son stole from us again, and we knew that this time if we told him to leave he had to go for good. We told him to leave and he refused so we locked him out. About 2am we heard a noise downstairs, to start with thought we being burgled but then the penny dropped it was my son. We asked him what he was doing back he wasnt supposed to be here and how did he get in with no key, he calmly told us that he'd taken a key some time ago and got a spare cut incase we threw him out again. He was told to leave again and he refused and he said he could do what ever he liked and we couldnt stop him, my blood ran cold, I snapped and I said enough.
The next day I got the locks changed, and we could ill afford to do that, but it was the only way we could could guarantee he couldnt get back in.
For the first few weeks I was in a bad way, Id say to my counsellor we've left him homeless again, what kind of parent does that, I knew he'd be sleeping rough again. My counsellor went through all that had happened and step by step I realised we hadnt made my son homeless, that was his doing not ours. I said but hes got no money how can he pay rent and she said he has money he just chooses to spend it gambling rather than pay rent.
I started to realise that by putting up with my sons bad behaviour we were actually telling him it was ok and why would he ever want to change when hes got a comfortable life with us.
In the 3 months hes been gone I thought that for a good portion of that he'd of been living rough and after all that had happened theres a chance that he would be wanting recovery now, surely after losing his family that would be the case. I nearly buckled several times thinking he was having a dreadful time, but knew if I did we'd go right back to square one.
Two weeks ago I saw his social media page and I was very shocked there he was out with friends in clubs and casino's apparently having a "blast", huge reality check for me, so much for him having a rough time. Yesterday I found out that he has his own place, (dont know where and dont want to know) is making a nice home for himself, he still has his job and has basically carried on like nothing has happened.
My son is still only 20 so very young but hes an adult and makes his own decsions just the same as your partner does. Wether your partner decides to find somewhere else to live or lives rough that is his decsion. The truth is he prefers to spend his money gambling first, if hes with you and you're paying the bills why would he ever want to change that.
Dont listen to the manipulation and mind games, take no notice of the awful things he say's its all part of the addict behaviour. Its normal for them to tell you what you want to hear to get us off their backs, and then once they feel comfy again its back to the old ways.
My son left us on very bad terms and Im told he doesnt want anything to do with us, at first I thought Id never get over it, I was a mess. As the weeks have gone by Im getting better and better and can say life with out all the madness is good, and I wouldnt ever go backwards. Of course I miss my son and I'll ways love him but he's still a cg and will behave as such.
This is your life, you decide what is right for you, you dont have to live this way if you dont want to. You are far stronger than you think. Get yourself as much support as you can and take care of you.
Thank you so much for responding.
I cried when I read through your experiences as although I am having a bad time its not half as bad as yours.
I have 2 grown up sons , the youngest who lives with me still, and they are both wonderful boys so I am lucky in lots of ways .
I cant imagine how you have got through what you have and how brave you have been.I feel guilty enough for what ive done even though I see the logic in it.
Its the feeling of helplessness that I cant come to terms with. I hate to give up on anything and especially on someone, but from reading your experience of how your son seems to be ok and living a life that gives me some relief.
Although I have only been with my partner 5 years Im sure this has been a long standing problem and has had the same consequenses with others in the past.
Unfortunately, I bumped into him yesterday as I was walking the dog,as he is apparently living in the woods near me! He said he had taken an axe and a ball of string from my garage? I think he thinks he's Bear Grylls!! He always stays close to home and in the past I have discovered him living in my shed.
I cant understand a grown man living like this, and as you said , you would think this life would bring them down to earth but it doesnt 🙁
I am determined not to give in and take him back but the persistant pleas for a hot drink late at night drive me mad with guilt.
He is on a different planet to me at times like this.
Hi honeyB
I really didnt want to make you cry, I wanted to tell you that as low as you're feeling now there is life after living with a cg.
I know how helpless you feel, I felt just the same still do, but we cant make them choose recovery, if that was the case Id of dragged my son to get help. As his mum I thought I could fix anything, it was my job, but I cant fix this none of us can, in time you will accept it.
Wether your partner chooses to live in the shed or woods, again thats his decision, he's doing his very best "poor me" hoping that you will give in, its all part of the cg manipulation. My son tried every trick he could think of, had me convinced I was a bad mother for trying to stay strong and not back down. The last time I saw him he was in a very bad way and he said some horrific things to me, and every bit of me was telling me to let him come home, how I stood my ground I'll never know but I did.
Your partner is on a different planet in a way, hes in an addicts world, Id often say my son was delusional. They dont think the way we do, they can rationalise anything and they will blame the rest of us for their problems because that way their gambling and bad behaviour isnt their fault. You wont be able to reason with him and he'll never see your point of view, its a waste of time trying.
Ask yourself this, if you let him come home do you think anything will be different from all of the other times hes left and came back?. Its awful when it dawns you that you already know the answer to that and then it comes down to how much more of this you can you take.
You havent given up on your partner, I havent given up on my son although it has been said we have, but its just not like that. A cg in denial cant be helped so how can we possibly be giving up on them all we're doing is protecting ourselves.
I cant tell you not to give your partner a hot drink or not, but recognise it for what its is, its manipulation again. You'er a mum so you can imagine how guilty I felt turning my son a away, beyond awful wanted nothing more than to let him home, but again I knew nothing had changed.
You would think living the way your partner is he would want recovery, but only he can decide that it doesnt matter what we think. I thought surely my son losing his family would be his turning point but no nothing has changed.
You have done nothing wrong, you've tried everything you can to help your partner, and you definetly dont have anything to feel guilty for. You didn't cause this and you can't fix this only he can do that.
Take care of yourself
Thank you for all your support.
I understand what you say and if you can be strong in your circumstances then so can I.
I am so angry though.Not with him, that has subsided due to the space between us, but with society for leaving addicts of whatever to get on with it.
I know there is help out there in various ways but all this heartache for them and us seems so unnecessary and a complete waste of precious life.
Sounds like I am being melodramatic, and perhaps I am, but its the frustration of waiting and hoping things will turn around, never knowing if it ever will?
I know I have to think of myself, and Im doing my best but its not my way naturaly.
In some ways I wish he had gone off with another woman as I would eventually have come to terms with that and could have got closure.
Hi honeyB
Many many times I've thought what a waste, here is my lovely intelligent son throwing it all away. He had big plans, university (they kicked him out) then a great career and now he works in a low paid job he hates. If I thought for a second this was what he wanted Id be a happy for him but I know it isnt.. I have an older son who has the opposite life, university, great career and is just about to buy a beautiful new home, and get married, he's healthy and happy all of the things his brother isnt.
We used to be such a happy family, would never of imagined this in a million years, and Ive asked myself so many times what went wrong and how the hell did this ever happen. Ive doubted our parenting and wondered if we caused this or could of prevented it. I know now we haven't done anything wrong, we didn't cause this nor could we of prevented it from happening.
You're not being melodramtic, I used to think I was too but we're not its just a horrible s****y situation and its understandable to feel the way we do.
Addiction doesnt discriminate, it can hit anyone any time I'll probably never know why son gambles nor you know why your partner does, Id say they probably dont know themselves.
I've felt just as angry and frustrated and helpless as you do but it doesnt change anything, and Ive come as close to accepting the situation as I think I can. We cannot help someone who doesn't want help and for me accepting that was a turning point, I stopped wearing myself trying so hard.
I strongly recommend counselling, Gamcare can arrange that for you, its that and all the brilliant support Ive had from wise people on this forum that Ive got to a place I can only describe as acceptance. Just a few weeks ago I didnt think Id ever feel happy again, it felt like raw grief and I couldnt see myself ever feeling any better but I do, Im quite content and see the good things in life.
Try not to give yourself a hard time, you've done your very best theres nothing to doubt yourself for, its time to start putting yourself first.
Take care x
Hi honeyB
Many many times I've thought what a waste, here is my lovely intelligent son throwing it all away. He had big plans, university (they kicked him out) then a great career and now he works in a low paid job he hates. If I thought for a second this was what he wanted Id be a happy for him but I know it isnt.. I have an older son who has the opposite life, university, great career and is just about to buy a beautiful new home, and get married, he's healthy and happy all of the things his brother isnt.
We used to be such a happy family, would never of imagined this in a million years, and Ive asked myself so many times what went wrong and how the hell did this ever happen. Ive doubted our parenting and wondered if we caused this or could of prevented it. I know now we haven't done anything wrong, we didn't cause this nor could we of prevented it from happening.
You're not being melodramtic, I used to think I was too but we're not its just a horrible s****y situation and its understandable to feel the way we do.
Addiction doesnt discriminate, it can hit anyone any time I'll probably never know why son gambles nor you know why your partner does, Id say they probably dont know themselves.
I've felt just as angry, frustrated and helpless as you do but it doesnt change anything, and Ive come as close to accepting the situation as I think I can. We cannot help someone who doesn't want help and for me accepting that was a turning point, I stopped wearing myself trying so hard.
I strongly recommend counselling, Gamcare can arrange that for you, its that and all the brilliant support Ive had from wise people on this forum that Ive got to a place I can only describe as acceptance. Just a few weeks ago I didnt think Id ever feel happy again, it felt like raw grief and I couldnt see myself ever feeling any better but I do, Im quite content and see the good things in life.
Try not to give yourself a hard time, you've done your very best theres nothing to doubt yourself for, its time to start putting yourself first.
Take care x
Oooops double post 🙂
Reading these posts has made me more determined than ever to keep going with my recovery. Phoenix, I'm really sorry your son has acted the way he has, but I won't do it to my parents. Reading the hurt you've gone through makes me determined to make my mum proud of me again. I feel like maybe I caught my problem before it spiralled to this level. I really hope you both sort things out and just know that you've given me another wake up call as to how my life could go if i don't change
Hi Lego
All us parents ever want are healthy, happy children, and that doesnt matter how old they are. I am certain your parents will be very proud of you and I can tell you for them to see you choosing recovery its priceless.
I appreciate how very hard this must be for you but its equally as hard for your parents, they'll be doing their very best to be understanding and as supportive as possible. Sometimes we dont get it right or know the right thing to say but we're doing our best regardless and the only motive we ever have is for our child to be ok.
Im so pleased to hear you're in recovery I hope you continue to go from strength to strength.
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