Found out i have been lied to

Hi Totally understand your predicament. Our son has been a compulsive gambler for the last 9 years- he’s 25 now but has been “clean” since April 24. If I were your mother I would probably tell you to get out while you can as the heartache, lies, disappointment and anxiety are off the scale. I also as a mother of a gambler want to tell you to stick by him- I would be devastated if my sons girlfriend left him- it would probably finish him off tbh. But she has not half a clue as to what’s gone on as we’ve not told her everything. But if I’m going to be totally honest I’d say go while you can- before kids and mortgages entangle your lives  even further. That’s just being brutally honest and I know I’ll get a lot of stick for saying that but it’s how I feel. Good luck

Just wanted to add I do know a married couple where he was a gambler but he has totally surrendered all his finances to his wife- she deals with absolutely everything money wise and it works for them. So if the gambler is in the right mind space to want to give up it can work- they did have kids etc so he had a lot to lose. Hope that’s a bit more of a balanced reply:-) 

My situation is very similar to yours. A week today, I found out the same news but was only told because I caught him. Unfortunately, he was stealing from my small business, which I was working so hard to build a future together for me and him but now he is in thousands of debt and the relationship has been hurt by all the lies and stealing. 

I am not able to give the best advice as the emotions are still very raw for me and I have a lot of unanswered questions too but please believe me that there is a lot of help out there. Gamcare has put me in contact with a womens support group and also counseling. 

This last week I have learnt not to put pressure on myself. There is the 4 C's - we did not Cause it, we can not Change it, we can not Cure it, but we can Care for ourselves. Our partners can only fight this by themselves and if they wholeheartedly want to change, they will just relapse if they are being forced to give up or doing it for someone else. 

Time is a big healer and I still don't know if our love is strong enough to overcome this but instead of looking to the future just try and take it 1 day at a time. Right now I am seeing a a lot of change and improvements and that does give me hope but only time will tell and no matter what happens you did not cause this so don't blame yourself. You should not be rebuilding his finances but you can support him on how to do this for himself and you can also support from afar.

I am the same with not telling my friends and family as I also feel embarrassed and they are always going to tell me to leave too which is why you should also be part of these support groups as we are all in the same place and can understand the situation 

sending you love x 

Hi, felt quite emotional reading this as is quite similar to my situation, although I’m the one with the gambling problem, the hardest part was telling my partner, I tried so many times but just couldn’t and when I finally did as hard and emotional as it was it was the best thing, my wife has been so supportive and we are moving forward and being positive, I have a block on my card preventing me from depositing to gambling sites, I’ve been having Gam Care meetings and my wife now also checks my banking account, my wife also struggled with the fact I hadn’t been honest about my problem but when we had a good long chat about it and really opened up we then put a financial plan in place together and have been able to move forward, Just thought I’d share, also talking to mine and her families about it really helped they were so supportive 

First of all, this is my first post here - I’ve just closed my accounts, I previously did it last year but fell back in the hole and now I’m two days out from payday with no money - cause, doing silly bets and chasing that elusive dopamine fix even if it’s a £5 bet returning £10.. it adds up. 

I have a wife and kids and if she found out I had sunken back into it she would be disappointed, probably not leave but work through it - I’ve been open with her, she knew I did it, enjoyed spending the winnings when it was good but when it’s bad I’m quiet and just annoyed and get depressed it’s an awful downward spiral.

now in your case - you’ve shown a lot of courage making an account and this post, you must be so disappointed to have your dreams shattered of a house, future etc by some stupidity, you’ve got to ask yourself, could you trust him not to do it again? Has he closed his accounts on GamStop? It’s as simple as giving them your username and e-mail. 

Also if this is going to work you take changes of the finances in your account, don’t sit around hurting yourself - he has to take action and you ideally need to see it and the effort taken, he needs to show your worth to him. 

That’s what gamblers do

we think we can win it back so we lie to cover our tracks

dont take it personally get him the help he needs 

he will be feeling terrible too 

Hi, 

I hope you’re ok? So sorry to read your post. 
Basically it’s all going to come down to whether he wants to stop, be completely open and honest to you over EVERYTHING. He needs to prove that he can and will do that. You need to take over financial control? Ask to look at his bank statements? Check out his credit report? He needs to put every block in place. If he refuses, then he isn’t ready to make things better and you just have to look after yourself only! This addiction is an illness and he cannot do it on his own, he needs to get proper support. You can offer the support but only if he’ll do the above! 

I lied everyday to my husband, took our debt in his name without him knowing. Back in March 2022 I came clean about my gambling but I held back, wasn’t completely honest, we didn’t put things in place to stop me and I got complacent. Within 4 months I was gambling again so badly, 18 months later I had tripled the debt and hit rock bottom!! It all came out again, this time he knew everything!!! I am now currently 530 days GF. 

Wishing you all the best

Claire x

@wlkbfv9j58 

Thank you for your message, that really does help to know that others are in my situation and I hope you're okay too. I think I feel the same as you with wanting to support him through this but I just don't know if I can trust him anymore. He has been quite active with getting support and showing me his finances but I just hate the fact that he has done this to me and our future and it's so hard to get over. 

@zl80tanheo Thank you for replying, he has used these blocking websites and has spoken to an advisor but I'm just worried even with these in place he will fall back into gambling in the future

@cpparch Thank you for your reply and well done for being GF for 530 days! I just hope this works for him as well and he never wants to gamble again

@dtc49xqp2u That's what I'm thinking about a lot. Right now it's okay because all our finances are separate, but if I do stay and support him then I would want to buy a house and have a family in the future and I don't want to have to worry constantly that he would lose all his money. He has said he would send me his salary each month to look after but I am his girlfriend and not his wife and I don't think i should have to be responsible for that. But that feels so selfish to say.