Frozen

Have you tried families anonymous similar to gamanon

Thankyou day@atime, I hadnt heard of that one

Hi Pangolin

Welcome to the forum and to the Friends and Family section.

I think your post will responate with a lot of people here - that often the partners/family members of problem gamblers can get as caught up with the gambling as the gambler themselves, and once that stops you realise how much it was also a part of your life. It sounds from your post as though you are still in a bit of shock that the gambling isnt there anymore?

Maybe a good place to start would be to make a list of things that you really enjoy doing, just for yourself, that don't involve your other half at all perhaps. These things could be quite small, as long as they mean something to you. Then you can begin the process of getting your life back and moving forward.

I wish you well with this, and please do keep sharing your thoughts here.

Best wishes

Rebecca

(Forum Admin)

Thankyou Rebecca,

You're right I think it is case of spending so much time firefighting that I dont have anything else I do. My list of things I do for myself is proving very difficult to start. I'll try to find something.

Hi Pangolin, I find myself almost wanting to apologise on behalf of your partner for what he has put you through 🙁 I know Half Life has posted on your other diary so there is proof that there are people like you out there making this work! I am humbled by the amount of compassion that you have & wonder if you couldn't maybe continue your 'fire fighting' for a while on here until you figure out how to move forwards without gambling (albeit not by you)? There are many people being spurred on by knowing that they have people on their side!

Someone has posted a bucket list blog link on one of his threads (possibly Bornagain on the 2015 challenge) which gives literally hundreds of things to try, some are ridiculously expensive & others completely crazy but it may give you some inspiration?

I'm sorry to hear you are having to relearn how to live as it never occurred to me this works both ways (must be kind to OH tonight when he gets in) but I stand by my advice to fellow recoverers, you can do it - ODAAT

ODAAT thats very kind, thankyou.

There are no apologies necessary, I dont think anyone chooses to be a compulsive gambler, I havent felt how it feels, but I can see it destroys people. I have never lost sight of the wonderful father my man can be and the man i fell in love with is still there, I missed him terribly when we lost him to gambling and it's good to have him back. Every time he smiles I feel so much relief, the gambler never had anything to smile about.

I cant stress enough how much Gamanon helps me, the compassion alone isnt enough, I need the reassurance that what I do is a constructive help, with the best of intentions I enabled the gambling to go on for years, but that's all water under the bridge now, this starting again is challenging enough without dwelling on the past mistakes.

I am having an internet trawl of all sorts of people's bucket lists now, that's a great idea. Well done.

Noooo, you didn't enable the gambling...We are sneaky & manipulative! Who lies to loved ones in order to be able to self destruct?

You have to try & figure out a way to let go of the blame honey! It is documented that victims of domestic violence justify abuse by saying they deserved it, they were pushing etc etc but no-one has the right to be abusive! Being blind to something, whatever the reason is not enabling! Standing with him while he does it, giving him money & taking out loans to let him gamble is enabling, I have enabled my mother but I am not to blame for her gambling she is! If any of this guilt has been bred from what he said whilst gambling, you need to treat it with contempt! It was never my fault when I gambled (or should I say lost)! I always found a reason to blame someone else, OH being there, not being there, texting, not texting, not saying or doing the right thing but truth is, there was no right thing because I was caught up in the addiction! No matter what was said or done, I was gambling! Did I want to gamble? Sometimes no but I was so caught up in chasing my losses that I did it anyway! That is partly why I look back with so much shame!

You have the right determination, you will find your way - ODAAT

I dont blame myself for being deceived, I'm ok with admitting it had become an abusive realtionship, not my fault either, but the blindness was temporary and theres a long period where is stuck my head in the sand and tried to wish the problem away. I dont feel guilty as such but i think I could have handled that very differently and saved myself and my family alot of heartache there. So I dont blame myself for his gambling, but i do take resposnibility for myself and my decisions to carry on with the realtionship when it was destructive, I had to learn that i was as caught up in rescue missions as he was in gambling, when I was finally brave enough to stop rescuing and let go, the gambers crisis came quickly, which is what has given us the chance to change things.

So anyway the blame he put on me, the accusations of affairs etc so he could start a row and blame me for his state of mind, all those things gamblers do, no i dont take that on board. Not looking after myself is something i am forgiving myself for now.

And thats how i come to be in this limbo.

And your past might be shameful, my husbands is, but it doesnt mean your aren't lovable now, your efforts to right your wrongs, your new honesty are evidence that you do deserve to be loved. Youre right, letting go of blaming yourself is something we all have to figure out.

Your post took ages to answer, and im still thinking about it, brilliant therapy for me, thankyou.