Gambling son, I just dont know what to do any more

Absolutley not your fault, it is an illness, it just happens to some people, you cant make it happen and you cant stop it happening, it just is.

We also get siblings at gam anon meetings, it is impossible to explain why the same upbringing had turned out lovely people like them but also a compulsive gambler, they cant understand why their sibling has this hole inside them that they try to fill with gambling when they dont. They get jealous that one sibling has soaked up all the attention and resources that their parents have to offer while they have been responsible and had no reward for it. There's not alot of explaining it. It just is.

Examining the past and wondering what might have been different is pointless. You did what you thought was right and I can tell you are loving parents, so I dont doubt you did the right thing. He's a compulsive gambler, whatever you do it will be twisted and thrown back at you. He doesnt mull over what he has said or reconsider it, he just blurts it out when he's being manipulative and it either works or it doesnt. He doesnt mean any of it, he probably doesnt even remember it, but it leaves you devastated and full of self doubt. We all look back and wonder what we might have done differently, but even if you were to decide you'd done it all wrong, the advice stays the same. We cannot change things, whats done is done, draw a line and move forward from today.

It is not your fault.

I dont know what to say to all you wonderful people, thank you doesnt seem enough for the support youve gave me today, I was in a very dark place when i came here today, but you have all helped so much it doesnt feel quite so bleak any more. We have a very long way to go and I know I have so much more to learn but knowing Ive got such kind caring people who "just get It" helping me a long the way is a huge weight off my shoulders. I told my husband today that Id been here talking to you all and he has read all of your replies and he cried, caught me totally off guard so out of character hes usually such a stiff upper lip kind of man and doesnt show his emotions easily, he just gets on with things. I feel Ive done him an injustice I thought he didnt feel it as much as me but its obviuos he does. He said theres hope for his little lad and us, our little lad is 6ft 3" and towers over us, but he is really our little lad. Pangolin I agree with you it is an illness, and I see now that to help our son we have to look after ourselves first, feels totally un natural but I know you are right. Im going to do the be nice to yourself bit every day and I will stop and make sure my husband is doing the same. We have another older son and he was brought up exactly the same and both are loved and have always been told so, but if you listen to our younger son, he would say different and that we always loved his brother more, thats just not true, although thinking about it now Im sure thats just another bit of his manipulation. Me and my husband have argued so much over our son that we seemed to lose touch for a while and after 30 years together this has been the biggest test of our marriage, but ironically we wanted the same things just didnt talk to each other properly, we will be now. Im going to stop doing the "what if's" I know they dont work and I'll just wear myself out trying to work it out, I see that now Pangolin. Amom to answer your question, when did I laugh last, I honestly cant remember, Ive been sad and scared for so long I dont seem to know anything else, I feel like I exsist and nothing more but thats changing already. Im going to do what you say and I will put myself first although like you say it does feel un natural, but I will do it. Duncanmac thank you for showing me what its like from both sides, I often wonder whats going through my sons head and Im sure he is delusional, , he really seems to of lost touch with reality some days. Ive questioned wether his behaviour is the addict or if hes just rotten but I see from you now its the addiction, I just hope my lovely son is in there somewhere. We are doing the tough love and your reassuarance that its what helped you is a relief, Ive doubted what we're doing so many times, but Im convinced its right and we'll keep to it. Thank you all once again for your kind words and support, you really have made me feel so much better and its greatly appreciated.

I had a little tear at such a lovely post, thankyou to you too.

I know exactly what you mean about the weight off your shoulders, theres nothing like talking to people who actually understand.

Your lovely son is most definitely still in there somewhere as67!

I didn't cause it

I can't control it

I can't cure it

Get off their back- get out of their way

Get on with your own life!!

(((Hugs))) to you across the sea... have a great day!

Cathy

Thanks Amom I get it now, its just taken me a long time to get to this point. I think we wanted him to be well so much I guess I thought we could help him and I really thought that there was something we were missing. Half-Life thank you - he hasnt said he wants to stop to us, he actually said he enjoys it and there isnt a problem but then tells his girlfriend he hates it and doesnt know why he does it. I think he does want to stop but wont admit it to us. We did run around picking up the pieces like you say, did the research, looked into counselling, tried everything we could think of but it didnt make any difference. I know we cant help him, Ive accepted that so we are going to leave him alone while as Amom said get on with our lives.

Hello,

I am new to this forum, and I am a desperate mother who has a son addicted to gambling. My beautiful son started gambling last year. He is 23 years of age and has his own business my husband and I are so proud of what he is done. I am at my wits end because my husband works for him and it has got to the stage where my son has gambled all of the weekly earnings, leaving my husband with no wages whatsoever. My husband (when he gets paid) is paid minimum wage. Something we all agreed when my son started his buisness. I have had to take out loans to cover the short fall and therefore pay my husband. My husband doesnt know this I give the money to my son who gives it to my husband. I work full time and have done for nearly 40 years, but I'm seriously worried that any monies that I will have when I retire will be used paying my sons debts.

I am constantly worried about him, he has given me his bank card to manage his account, and I have managed to save a decent sum of money for him in his savings account. However he wanted his card to fill the van with diesel, and he has now emptied his savings account. I know that he is gambling the money. I am so scared. He has started to look dishevelled and is not taking care of himself like he used to. He has sat down with me and we have talked about it, but he has continued to lie to me. I have been as tolerent and supportive as I can, but he is like another person, although he has only been gambling 1 year, he does realise he has a problem. I am now getting so depressed, I cant think straight. I havent told my husband because I am frightened of what he would do.

We have another son who is at University full time and he lives away from home, who also needs support. Apart from that I am helping to care for my mother in law who has Azheimers. My head feels like its spinning all the time. I am constantly dreaming up "what if" scenarios and I am the only one in our family who is earning a decent wage so I cant let everybody down.

If there is anybody who can give me some advice I would welcome it so much. My son agreed to attend gamblers annonymous a couple of weeks ago, but he hasnt attended yet. I dont want to be bombarding him with questions that might tip him over the edge , (my mother commited suicide just 7 weeks after I lost my father).

I cant talk to anybody. I have two really good friends but I cant tell them because I am afraid of their reactions.

I feel like I am living a total lie, and I'm not helping anybody. Please can you help me?

Some time for yourself, some time to think and have a chat with people who understand, they were things that helped me. Come to a gam anon meeting of you can.

My own experience tells me to stop bailing your son out financially and not to have secrets from your husband, one of the things I have heard from gamblers parents is how they had thought they were helping their child discreetly, only to find out years down the line, that their husband or wife had been doing the same thing, the child had expertly played them off against each other and exploited them both, which then made them fall out. And then their child exploited that. Start talking.

There is no doubt your situation is difficult and none of it was your choice.

I drove myself potty with what if scenarios and rescue missions, I was such a nice person, helped everyone, but strangely, by becoming more selfish, I have more time to help people. Now I pick my battles and only help where I am going to make a difference, beating my head against a brick wall has become a thing of the past. It got hard to see the wood for the trees if you know what i mean? Once i sorted out what actually helped me and made time for that, the rest began to seem easier. As I have mentioned above, gam anon meetings were invaluable and are now a way of life that i never imagined could be so helpful, but little things like hot chocolate at bedtime and so on, remembering to look after myself, these things really are important. Your emotional engines cant run without fuel.

My partner, when actively gambling, was unrecognisable as the man I love, physically and emotionally, in every respect, he was a mess that rejected anything i offered other than money, so it was very difficult to take the step to stop offering money, but very necessary. When he wanted it, he did change and he is lovable again, embarrassed about that stage and cringes if he sees a photo when he was at the point where he would even gamble the money i gave him for a haircut, I like to remind him how lucky it is we cant smell him in the photo, he reallly did stop looking after even the most basic of things.

It's not your fault, you cant make him change, take care of yourself and your husband, effort there will make a difference to how you feel.

Hi Pangolin,

Thank you so much for replying to my post. I have read word for word what you have said and you are so right. I just wish that I wasnt so weak!

I totally get your message and your kind words have made me feel so much better. I was drained this morning, worrying about things that might never happen, but more worried about my dear son. Every time he goes out I think that hes gambling (even if hes not) I feel suspicious all the time. I know I am probably too soft with him, but he has got so much to look forward in this life I just want him to be free of this demon.

You have obviously been through a hard time yourself and I admire you for what you and your husband have done, and what you have managed to overcome. I do realise that this isnt a quick fix, but your kind words have made me realise that my son CAN do it. Your husband is a very luck man to have a wife who is so understanding.

How do I begin to trust him? How do I stop thinking hes gambing all of the time? How do I stop asking him questions? I must be pressurising him too, and I might be driving hime to it rather than away from it. I am so mixed up. I am so frightened.

Hi Mayord

I would not hide what is going on from your husband. The problem is that addiction thrives on secrecy. Nothing will change if you keep running interference and covering up for your son. I only say that as I spent many years doing just that to no avail. You must be exhausted trying to look after everybody both emotionally and financially!

Can you find a Gam Anon group in your area. Its too difficult to carry this on your own!

Gam anon has been great for helping my undertsand that there is no point questioning a gambler. They will either lie or tell the truth, but it doesnt really benefit you to hear either thing, you wont know if theyre lying, so you will either do them the injustoce of not believeing them of be taken in by another lie. You're actually better off without the answers. You probably already know the answer anyway, so save your breath, let it go. (i did have to have this said several different ways before i understood it, hopefully someone else who gets what i mean can say it more clearly).

Trust, this is my favourite thing about gam anon. They told me on day 1 that I dont have to trust him with money. He cant be trsuted with money, I dont have to do it. Separating out love and trust was a big thing for me. I love a man who cant be trusted with money and im ok with that. I trust him with my life, my childrens lives, but i dont trust him with bank cards and it turns out that works for us. So he gets his lunch money every day before he goes to work, if he gambled it he would go hungry, but it wouldnt affect us at home really, i run all the finances and i dont trust him with any of it, he feels better for not having to be responsible with all that temptation, I dont think it makes us unbearably weird as a couple, most people dont notice. So I dont trust him and its ok.

And sometimes i still lose the plot with it all and everything he's done, but he's a recovering gambler, so he's pretty good at taking it on the chin and making it up to me now.

You're not weak, when you read back how much you're coping with, quite the opposite.

My son is a CG and has been for ten years. We thought things were getting better but in the last few weeks we've had another shattering relapse. Feels like we're back to square one.

I'm so sorry, a relapse to me felt worse than square one, it was like square minus 5... we 're going to have to rethink the whole thing... run out of answers or any ways of getting to square two.... it's a desperate feeling and i remember it well.

Was he gamble free for ten years or hiding it and letting you think he was recovering?

Hi(((( as67))))

Was just reading your post to a spouse who had just started a thread. I am so happy for you!! You seem to have found a great deal of peace and clarity. It's funny though isn't it that your son has somewhat followed suit and seems to be realizing that his life wasn't working for him and a change may be in order. I know its early days but so encouraging for both you and your son!

My screen saver has this saying

"When we are no longer able to change a situation we are challenged to change ourselves"

You my dear have done that and I can see you are starting to reap the rewards. Good on ya!!

Amom

Thank you so much, you made me cry again like I did yesterday with my counsellor and for once it was for happiness.

Its baby steps for us and I am just taking things one day at a time, I try not to do the what if's or worry about the next day. I spoke to my son last night and he sounds as good as the last time I spoke to him, it was lovely to go to bed and not lie awake worrying.

Our whole house feels calmer even though he's not back home, it feels just like it used to before all this started.

I doubted everything I said and did, and couldnt see an end to it all, well to be honest I could but that was too scarey.

I know its early days and Im trying not to get carried away but this is good and Im a happy content Mum.

Thank you Amom for being a friend and shoulder to cry on, I couldnt of done it with out all of you good people 🙂 🙂 x