Hello All,
I'm Sean, a 50 year old, married man with a decent job and a full time wage. I have no children by choice and live a good life... and I never thought I'd find myself looking for addiction help.
My wife deals with pretty much all of our finances so I don't have to worry about that aspect of normality! As far as I know, we only have the one main, joint account and one credit card (I don't have a Credit Card at all).
I am not a gambler... but 2 days ago, I found out that my well-achieving, successful wife is.
I'm devastated and simply don't know if I've caused this or am I'm doing right, wrong, something or nothing. I feel like a man in the sea, shore out of sight and not knowing which way to swim.
I'm so scared. I've spent most of the time since finding out in tears. I feel broken.
Many things have come to light in the last 2 days. This gambling has been going on for well over a year. She has always enjoyed the slots and a little bingo but it's out of control. It's all done on-line. To give you a little idea, she is losing between £500-£1000 per month from our bank and has hit Credit Cards too. In January 2017, in total, she spent £3300 out of our account. She won £3700... but only £2500 went back into the bank! She only makes small-ish deposits, from £10 to £50... but 10 or more a day add up real fast! Each month is similar but apart from January, she has never won more than she staked... and has never put enough back into the back to cover what went out.
It transpires that she had run up Credit Card debts totalling £50,000 and she arranged a Debt Management Plan for herself a year ago, paying out £900 per month, all without my knowledge... and then carried on gambling. So, in effect, we're losing around £2000 per month to this. She says she has a 'perfect' life and has no reason for this addiction - to be honest, that frightens me even more as I have no idea what I need to tackle!
She has been intercepting the post and shredding bank statements etc.
I know now that I should have taken a more active role in our finances (hindsight is wonderful) but we have lived well and it never occured to me that we weren't quite living as well as our bank balance suggested!
Now that it's out in the open, my wife says she is so relieved... but now I feel like I'm the one that has to start lying to family, friends and colleagues. I now have access to things like her Paypal account and iPad. I have installed Betfilter into her iPad. I have also managed to log in to some of her gambling accounts and self excluded her but there are so many avalable that it's just overwhelming.
I've spoken to Gamcare and have taken some advice. I have asked my wife to make a Doctor's appointment and I will go with her, just for the initial part of the conversation. I will then leave to allow her to talk privately to the Doctor. I have asked her to call the counselling number that Gamcare gave me and she has said she will do the today.
One problem I have is that my wife's background is around drug addiction... working with, not being addicted. Therefore, she knows the signs of addiction, she knows the methods people use to hide it, she knows what to say to people to give them what they want to hear and she knows pretty much every aspect. I simply aren't sure if she's telling me the truth or just saying the things she knows I want to hear.
I've told her that I love her, that we have been through tough times before and that we will get through this... but I don't know what to do.
I don't really know what else to tell you all or what else you would need to know so please ask any questions you have.
As my forum name says, I'm just so scared because I feel so helpless. Please help me.
If you've read this far, then thank you. If you can offer me advice, you may save my world from collapsing.
Sean
Hi Sean I myself am new to here today. I myself have the same problem as your wife. The one positive I can give you is that by finally telling you of the problem she has taken a massive step in the right direction.
I wish you well with this journey.
Eggbert, thank you for taking the time to reply. I really hope you're successful in taking control of this.
She has contacted the Counselling people and is awaiting their call back. She has also made an appointment to speak to the bank. She tells me that she hasn't gambled since I found out and that she feels fine about that. Also, she says she has such a massive sense of reliief that it's now out in the open and not a heavy secret for her to carry.
Good luck.
Sean
Hi Sean...
Welcome to a great place for help and support...I'm in you're age group and became addicted to online slots several years ago...
Long long story...take a look at my diary....it may help you understand how you're wife's feeling....
Did she tell you...or did you find out...
The only way to address this together is with total transparency...
You handle all fiances. .
Blocks on internet to stop access to gambling sites..
A secure post box..
Access both credit files...
It sounds impossible. ...but it's all doable...if she really wants to fight her addiction....
I've been free from online slot addiction for well over 500 days..
So it can be done...
Keep reading around on here....you'll learn so much..
Take care x
Hi Sean, welcome to the forum 🙂
Another gambler here, female, mid 40's & completely together as far as the outside world is concerned. Since starting my recovery, I have accepted that the life I knew growing up wasn't quite as idilic as I once thought & that has had a knock on effect to my behaviour as an adult.
Meeting my now husband was the best thing that ever happened to be but that alone wasn't enough to stop me gambling. This is not your doing but you will be able to support her as she fights her way out of it. Taking responsibility for what will be, I expect if my history is anything to go by, a tangled web of finances will be quite daunting. I handed over I have no idea how many cards (maybe 10-12) plus passwords to all my online banking & full details of loans & credit cards etc. Then, because my gambling was done in the shops, I just had one joint credit card that he can check with the press of a button so will know if I have been stupid & I was given pocket money (some people find proving receipts quite helpful) which is completely embarrassing but was absolutely necessary for me after about 3 decades of nonsense. Since your wife gambles online, you should maybe consider downgrading her to a basic account which won't allow the transactions. Ideally this should all be checked against credit files from all 3 agencies & I understand you can put notices of correction against them requesting no more lending as well as set up alerts. This will be a very good indication as to whether you are just getting lip service.
It may sound crazy but don't be afraid to pick up the phone to the helpline, they are here for both sides so to speak & again, counselling is available for you if you think it would be of any benefit. There are also GA meetings for her & GamAnon ones for you where you can both find relevant real life support as you move forwards. Addiction is sneaky, addicts even more so, especially gamblers as we don't suffer the visual physical effects that come with other addictions. Being forearmed with information about addiction is actually a blessing, she has been hiding it this long yes, but you know now so she won't be able to continue unabated. Her understanding means she will know that she's never going to be cured of this but can learn to live with it if she engages with a suitable program.
My husband has pretty much buried his head in the sand about the seriousness of my addiction because I was so sneaky @ the time & he has relinquished all financial responsibility back to me but he didn't have the shock or the fallout you have had. I am in a place where I know I can't ever gamble again & rarely do I want to now but my head has been all over the place since I 'started recovery' & sometimes he needs a little nudge to remind him I am fighting some kind of crazy. I didn't realise it @ the time but gambling was a bit of a leveller as far as my normal emotions were concerned, it kind of desensitised me to any feelings other than financial ones & accepting my heavy losses became the norm.
Sorry, I've waffled on there so I'll end now by saying, this is a huge shock but you can get through it & the best thing you can do is figure out how to look after you - ODAAT
Hi Sean
I'm sorry to see this. It's rubbish when the secrets start coming to light. Unfortunately though even though you're reeling you are the rational one and you are the one who has to take an immediate step up to the plate in protecting your own interests.
First thing to say is you have done and said nothing to cause this. She is the one who has chosen to gamble. She is the one who has chosen to do nothing about it until now. You say she is relieved this has come to light and she's making a few of the right noises but has she said anything about actually wanting to give up? Harsh truth is unless she wants to she won't but that doesn't mean there aren't things you can do to minimise any potential further harm.
You need to be on top of everything financial now and permanently. She's admitted to some debt but you need to establish the true extent of it along with the existence of any secret bank accounts for yourself with access to credit reports from all three agencies. These are available free from Noddle (Callcredit), Clearscore (Equifax) and Experian via MSE's credit club. They are updated monthly but you can subscribe to an email alert service which will tell you if anything changes in the meantime. I use Noddle which isn't perfect as not all lenders report there but better than nothing. If she's already set up a DMP that should slow down her access to credit but she can raise a NOC at each agency stating she does not wish to be offered or extended any credit even if she applies for it and/or appears to qualify. Check your own reports too.
You need access to every account she has and you need to make sure she can't access any of it. Mr L has a basic bank account (no OD allowed) for receipt of his salary. I keep the card and transfer it to my account on receipt then go from there. Most of the savings are in my name. After three and a half years I have just been able to bring myself to put a limited amount in accounts he can potentially access but they are ones I monitor daily. He has an allowance and spends it through the joint account which he has a card for. I see receipts for everything and he doesn't routinely carry even small change.
Password protect PC's and laptops and install blockers. K9 is free and effective for these. If there are any devices she uses that can't be blocked either switch to ones you can or she may have to do without. If it's a phone she can downgrade to a basic non internet model.
You cannot trust a word she says without seeing proof of it so don't. If you need RL support don't hesitate to look for it whether from family or groups such as Gamanon. Don't be manipulated into keeping secrets for her. It rarely ends well.
Finally take care of yourself. It's very easy to be consumed by this and take on the worry and tasks that are rightfully hers. Put yourself first. Until she's committed to stopping gambling you're the only one who will.
Hi Sean, yes big big shock. I'm wife of cg. Lots of good advise here. The one thing I would say is do not have joint accounts. Open new one in your name for your money. I used to have my husbands salary directly paid into my account. Work were none the wiser as they just use sort code and account number. I found that initially when he stops gambling mood swings are severe and he becomes very angry. It's all my fault. So beware, also lots of manipulation. I go to gamanon meetings and find they really help. Get to the post first, open everything. My husband used to have mail sent to work as well. Tough love I'm afraid, safe guard your money, don't pay her debt. Good luck!
Lethe - I wish I wasn't here to read them but as I am, your posts are brilliant, the one above is spot on
Sean - I'm sorry you've had all this land on you, best wishes in dealing with it, credit reports would be the overriding advice I would give, just remember they do 'lag' a bit so they cant be the only measure
As the compulsive gambler myself I feel ashamed when I read your story and equate it to what those around me must have felt/ feel.
I genuinely thank you all for your kind wishes, advice and replies.
Whilst I recognise that this will be a long road, you have all given me little bits of hope in different ways. Some of the things you've all written appear brutal to me in the sense of taking control but I know they all must be done.
I will obtain credit reports today.
My wife contacted the Counselling Service yesterday - the one given to us via Gamcare. They were very helpful and fast too! We have our first session together on Friday. After this, I think it then becomes individual Counselling if that's what the Counsellor decides.
She has, I think, told me everything, including of all her active gambling accounts and I have arranged self exclusions for them all. I have to say, whilst it has proved scarily easy for her to get into this gambling spiral, every company has made the process of self exclusion very easy. My one criticism is that not all offer a permanent option. I think they should. I have access to her emails so if she forgotten any gambling accounts, I guess eventually she'll receive emails and I'll shut those down too!
She also has an appointment with the Bank today to open her own account which she is agreeing to give me full access and control over. I will be opening my own account on Friday. Her Paypal and eBay accounts are being closed. This part of the process is difficult for her. She is used to managing multi-million pound budgets for work and being in control and she does this well. The hard part of that is that it tends to make you not worry about 'small' amounts of money because it's whats called 'slippage'... small amounts of slippage are fine when dealing with millions but they don't translate well when it's your domestic bank account! Never mind though - it's something that must be done and that she must live with.
I went through the bank account yesterday, adding up all our bills and deductions in order to see what amounts each of us will need to transfer to the joint account in order to meet our commitments. Both my wife and I were astounding by the amount of 'spare' funds and therefore potential savings or enjoyment we could and should be achieving. I think it was a real eye-opener for her - it certainly was for me!
My wife has also started to be truthful to our friends and family members and is telling them. All have said they won't judge and will be there to help.
So, thank you all again and if anyone has any further advice, comments or questions, please add them.
Compulsive Gambler (and anyone else reading this who are the victims by being a gambler)... I wish you every success if beating this evil. Yes, it has been, and will continue to be, traumatic... BUT... now that it's out in the open, she doesn't have to bear it alone anymore and we can get through it. I wish the same for you. In fact, it's open both our eyes to the lives we could be leading and the financial 'safety net' that we could be saving, enjoying or achieving. I am honestly thinking it could the start of a new life chapter. This will turn out to be a good thing - I will do everything I can to make it that way!
Good luck to you all.
Sean
Thanks for your kind words, Compulsive Gambler :-). I don't suppose any of us ever thought we'd end up on a site like this but I try to post the things I have learned from experience and that I would have liked to have known before Mr L went on his second epic binge.
Sean - I agree with you about the permanent SE. I found some offer it even though they don't publicise it and some won't offer it at all but even if every account is SE'd you really need an effective blocker as well due to the sheer number of sites out there. Don't be surprised if SE'd accounts still receive offers. These firms don't let their biggest spenders go easily and while they are not supposed to contact the gambler after SE it's amazing how often their databases 'misfire' It's also amazing how awkward some of them can make closing these accounts. If they play you up a threat to report them to the Gambling Commission for breach of their own responsible gambling policies should get them back in their box fairly sharpish.
re the bank accounts. Is she opening a basic bank account with no frills and no OD facility? I would be wary of anything more than that. IME a CG can max out an OD without even stopping to draw breath. Will she be holding the card for it? If she does it would be a very good idea to scratch the three figure code off the back before handing it over so it can't be used online. Does she actually really need her own account? Mr L only has one as his salary can't be paid into an account that doesn't have his name on it and as he has a card to the joint account I didn't want it paid into that. Every bit of spending he does goes through the joint account and I check it daily.
Counselling is a good idea. Mr L found it very useful and she will need to identify and address the root cause of the compulsion. Has she looked into GA meetings? Stopping gambling is (I'm told) relatively easy. It's the staying stopped that can be the problem and GA can help keep a CG focused once the initial crisis is over. It's also good in that everyone at the meeting will 'get it' in a way we never can.
It would also be a good idea for you to read and learn as much as you can about the addiction. You may well be in for a stormy time as she has to give up things she values and knowledge is power.
Hello Lethe,
Yes, a basic account for now. It stills allows online banking but I will have full access. Her salary will continue to be paid into the joint account and an allowance then transfered to her account. My salary will be paid into my account and then my share of the bills moved from there to the joint account.
I have installed Betfilter onto her iPad, which cannot be removed whilst the licence period is in effect and I have removed all other browsers, the ability to download Apps and make in-App purchases. I have changed her settings password so she cannot make changes.
As for GA? I'm afraid that's a no-go. She has very strong views about this method of help and will absolutely not entertain the idea!
As far as I know, she hasn't gambled for 4 days now. I know there are a million things she could do to sneak around my efforts but if i'm honest, I can't concern myself with all of them. It would be an impossible task and one I'd probably surrender to. I will tackle the things I know and deal with anything new that appears down the line. I accept this may slow the process down but I really do think the task would overwhelm me if I tried to look at every possible avenue at one time.
Today, is the start of the outside help. We have our first counselling session this afternoon. I'm a little worried as I don't know what path it will take and what 'truths' will come out.
Wish us luck!
Sean
Hi,
This is the first time onto this site as I too have just found out my partner appears to have a very similar gambling problem. I only discovered this over the last few days and have spent the time since uncovering more and more evidence, I am now in the position where I have got to confront him with this over the weekend and I know his immediate reaction will be to be very angry and defensive! My big fear is that if I do not handle it correctly am I going to drive him into being even more secretive and to just continue doing gambling. Like you Sean we have a comfortable income so we are not actually going into debt through this yet but our funds are wittering down monthly (which is what alerted me to check into our finances) and there are so many more things this money could be better spent on, but as we are not going into debt I know this will be the justification in his own mind as to why this is not a problem, can anyone else reassure me that it is and that it needs to be dealt with as I know he will be doing his best to make me believe it is not an issue and I am overreacting.
Hello tinkerbell,
Clearly, I feel your pain! I wish you good luck in tackling it. Be prepared for anger, remorse, tears (from both of you) and any other reaction or emotion you can think of.
Whilst it may not be a problem for him, it obviously is for you... that's why you've found yourself here. Therefore, in my opinion, it's a problem!
Hopefully, he will give a huge sigh of relief that it's out in the open and he doesn't have to continue with the lies and deceit.
I found it really helpful to write down the amounts she was spending on one sheet of paper and show them to my wife. She was staggered. She knew she was gambling, she knew it was out of control... but she only depostied small amounts (in her brain!). What she failed to see was that 10 or more small amounts of anything between £10-£50 each, every day, add up to big money very quickly!
I wrote down the amounts, did some rough calculations and then let her see how much money she was burning through. Like you, and everyone else, we have some dreams for our future. I don't think they're crazy dreams - like a small place in Spain for our retirement type dreams - and I showed her how close we were and now how far away we were, all because of the gambling. I really laid on thick the life and things we could be enjoying. I think (hope) it scared her.
It's going to be a long road I'm afraid. Try not to blame, try not to throw accusations, try not to give ultimatums. Be strong, assertive and at times, insistent and almost 'cruel' (not in it's true sense - be aware of what you're saying and doing but don't avoid things).
You have to be honest with each other. You must tell him that although you're technically not in trouble with the money, you most certainly are in other aspects. You must get him to see it effects you and your family. It isn't just his diversion.
Contact Gamcare and talk to them. They have been great and can give you pointers and numbers to call if you feel they will help.
I'm new to this too though, so my advice may not be considered the best. It's only what I've tried to do.
Good luck tink, be strong, you'll get through it eventually.
Sean
Hi, Sean,
Sorry to see what's happening.
By definition, her gambling affects you on the no man is an island basis. Therefore it's really important for you to get accurate and targeted support for you to deal with the effect that it's having on you. My experience was that I didn't even realise the extent of my own problems because I was so caught up in the hurt and chaos that he had generated. You mentioned that she won't try GA but don't let that stop you from getting help for you, she has to choose what help she gets for her. I'd recommend regular GamAnon meetings, I find them invaluable, the other people in the room get it precisely because they're also there.
Keep the focus on helping you. Take care.
CW
Hi Sean, Thank you for such a thoughtful reply. I genuinely thought I had cracked it, I confronted my husband over the weekend and he immediately confessed to having been gambling for the last 5 months (which tied in with what was showing in our finances) he broke down and said that there were a number of things he was depressed about that he thinks led to the gambling and that he was relieved now that it was out in the open. We talked all weekend about the best way to deal with it as he promised that now it was out there he would be able to control it, though he still wanted to be able to have the occasional bet as he did before the out of control behaviour started, we agreed that we should seek help for his depression and advice on whether he would be able to just have the occasional bet and also some joint councelling on how we both deal with this going forward to avoid future trust issues it was all quite optimistic. Today I made an appointment with our doctors for us both to go in to discuss this (though the appointment is not for another 2 weeks). Tonight he came home with a bouquet of flowers to say thank you for having been so understanding and supportive, then after he had gone to bed I checked his wallet and found more betting slips for the last couple of days!!! I thought this was going to be easy to resolve as he had been so upfront about it as soon as I confronted him and as it had only been a short term problem, but clearly not and I am feeling a little crushed. I have been monitoring our account since I noticed the betting slips and he has been spending around a £1000 per month since this started, but it then transpires there is another amount on his credit card too which he claimes is around £3500 but he wont let me see a statement and I do not have access to his online password. As he does not know I have seen the slips from the last few days I think I am just going to stay quiet about it and keep checking between now and when we see the doctor as this will be the best indicator that despite his claim that it will now just be the occasional bet, whether or not he really cannot control himself. The sad thing is in every other respect he is the kindest most perfect partner and I am terrified as to where this will lead us as I know he definately does not have much willpower generally and very quickly now I have realised that there is a danger he really will not be able to control this
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