Hello, I need help and advice.

Hi tinkerbell I don't mean to b**t into your conversation but I want to warn you. Don't think about the future, he has to deal with addiction, that means no bets as they cannot stop. I found slips and rang gamcare. £10 will turn into £1000 online. You cannot stop him, he has to want this. The dr is a great step but he also needs other help. You need support too, call gamcare, get to gamanon if you can. There is no quick fix, this is forever. My husband has gambled with small change. You need to take over finance, get credit reports especially as he won't let you see statements. Safeguard your money, no joint accounts. Gambling survives on secrets and lies. Good luck!

Merry Go round, you're not butting in. Any advice you give here is advice for anyone reading so please carry on.

tink, it's going to be a long, hard road I'm afraid. I agree with Merry Go Round. Apart from the future bit. Don't concentrate on anything apart from now but keep in mind, one way or another, a positive future is still possible for you, your other half... or you both together.

In my opinion, you need to talk to him about those slips. Don't leave it. The longer you leave it then the more he will think he can control it and keep it from you. He might get angry that you looked in his wallet etc. etc. but so what?

He has to be comfortable with you checking things and keeping an eye on the finances that effect you both. He needs to allow you access to all his financial affairs. Without full disclosure, I believe you will never rebuild that trust. You will always be wondering what's going on, even if nothing is. You have to take control of the money. Ask him to hand over all his cards and passwords. Agree an allowance with him - for 'normal' spending, not gambling. Even though my wife's gambling is online, we now have an agreement that neither of us can have more than a maximum of £15 'paper money' in our purse/wallet at any one time. Each can check at any point and if there is more than £15, the difference is taken away. It goes into a treats pot that I control. It may sound silly but it's just another tiny bit of money discipline. More for my peace of mind than my wife's.

When you get access, be prepared for some nasty surprises! I have seen (and now have control over) my wife's Paypal account. It was frightening. I now have full access to our joint account - my wife had been intercepting bank statements and online access codes for a long time. I have looked at the joint account and it makes her Paypal look like a pocket money spend! It truly was amazing, in a very bad way! So, as far as I know, I have access to, and have seen, every aspect of our/her financial affairs. It's scary, it caused tears and tantrums from us both, but it won't kill us and we will get through it. You need the same - go through the pain to see the truth and see the financial future that may be possible.

If he's betting in shops, talk to him about excluding himself. You should go along with him to make sure he goes through with it. It sounds like treating him like a child but, honestly, that's what you might have to do.

Be strong mate... but as I said before, don't avoid anything. What's the point of not discussing these betting slips? It will only fester in your mind. Deal with the infection now, not when it's got hold of you.

As for the occasional bet - what's occasional? How much money is occasional? When does one small winning bet become another bet because he's on a streak? I have no experience here so hopefully someone else will offer advice but I have insisted that there is no more gambling for my wife. I don't know if that's a good or bad thing for her but it's what I need for me. Don't forget, you are important in this too.

Good luck.

Sean

You didn't Cause it, you can't Control it and you can't Cure it. Ultimately, you can't decide whether or not he gets help or continues to bet. You can't fix him and the more you understand his torment, the more leeway you give him. You can encourage him to get help and you can stop paying for the gambling and cease to tolerate the intolerable but the only person who can help him is him.

Move the focus back to your problem: the effect that it's having on you. Call the Helpline and get counselling and or meetings, protect yourself emotionally and financially.

Look after you.

CW

Hi tinkerbell

A CG who doesn't want to give up will look you in the eye and tell you what you want to hear then be right back at it without batting an eyelid. You can't trust your husband so don't unless you see proof all is as he says. It's not in your interests to be too understanding. If he wants understanding he should be looking for it via counselling and GA meetings. Willpower alone won't cut it in the face of addiction. He needs to be putting as many practical barriers as he can in place and the fact he won't even consider the basics is a big alarm bell.

He is kidding himself and you that he will ever be able to gamble 'normally'. The addiction can be successfully arrested but it can't be cured. Sooner or later a CG's 'controlled' betting will spiral in exactly the same way it has this time.

Look to your own interests, protect your financial position, read up on the addiction and decide what your lines in the sand are. Don't be manipulated into letting him cross them. Put yourself first. All the time he's gambling you are the only one who will.

Hi All,

Thank you for all the comments and advice, I think without it I would just be convincing myself that our problem is different as in every other respect we have (or had) the perfect relationship and he is such a good person, it is really hard to have to accept that my happy, normal life has hit a massive bump and may ultimate even never be the same again. Without all of your comments I think it would have been very easy to bury my head in the sand for all those reasons and hope that with the GP intervention everything will be okay and go back to normal, I now realise I have to take of those rose coloured glasses and take more assertive action (though I am not afraid to do this, I liked our lives too much to have to face up to it) I will now take steps to talk to him further about the access to accounts and passwords etc., though it will be hard as he is acting like a sheepish puppy dog which I think, from all I have heard from you all, is possibly a clever ploy to distract me from causing any further humiliation. I am going to man up this weekend and take action

Thank you all again

Hi,

I'm still angry about it all but I don't think what we had before I found out about the gambling was anything like the perfect relationship. There was a prolonged period of remoteness, unreasonableness, mood swings. He lied, stole and manipulated, didn't want to take responsibility for domestic matters, didn't want to spend (gambling) time with me and kids, left me thinking that the problem was my inadequatcies and none of that is the behaviour of a good person.

Stopping gambling is the starting point for recovery but by itself doesn't solve that many problems IME.

CW

Hi again

My advice would be to capitalise on the sheepish behaviour to get access to the things you need to see starting with his credit reports from all three agencies (all available now and ongoing free) and going on from there.The self pity can be epic but you need to look beyond that and keep the focus on what you want and need.

The anger, mood swings and remoteness as the losses secretly mount are also very common but my experience is that once it was all out in the open and I had control of everything glimpses of the 'real' Mr L I had known before he got sucked in to the madness started to appear relatively quickly. That said he was (finally and only after reaching the point of doubling the debt from first time round and going on to the point of near nuking everything around him) apparently committed to kicking it into touch. He complied and continues to comply with everything I want without complaint. I still have (and use) access to everything I want to see including opening post and he goes to GA weekly. The key point here is he does all this willingly and understands exactly why it's asked of him.

Hi Sean, I have realised I have totally hijacked your thread, so would like to apologise and hope that things are working out a little better for you, I know it is still very early days. It was just that your story is virtually mirroring my experience and I think I got a little carried away. Again I would just to say that it has been a real comfort having you and everyone else offering the advice they have just a shame the support has been needed over such a miserable situation for us all x

Hi Sean

i can almost guarantee that your wife has done this many times before you found out. Ask her to show you statements going back years. You said she handled all your finances, check, check and check again. I have done this for 23 years, it's ruined my life. I ended my marriage two days ago after uncovering the latest evidence. I am 50 years old with two children aged 11 and 14.

Gamblers will do anything for a fix and I mean anything.

I wish you strength

Message to Tinkerbell.

i think you can start your own thread/story and people can respond there. I am new here and it's just a matter of getting used to how it works. I am trying to avoid hijacking other threads too.