Hi guys
My wife is a gambler and has been for around 6 years. The 1st few times I paid off her debts with my savings, then I had to take out 2 loans and she also spent on our joint credit cards. She has also took pay day loans, overdraft and high interest credit cards.
We have both been fighting this for a while, 3 lapese ago I said she had to get help as I could not keep doing this and she agreed but did nothing, so I found a local gambles anonymous and told her she had to go which she did and said it was very hard and was sitting in the car ready to drive off but knew she needed help.
About 6 months of being gamble free she seemed to only go to the meeting ever now and again, Then she gambled again.
I can always tell when somethings not right, with her going to bed early and not eating like normal (She cooks healthy meals)
So we went though it all again and I said that this was the last time and she wanted to go back, I was not forcing her!
In March she was gamble free for 12 months and there was going to be an open day and she was going to get her 12 months gamble free award, I knew they had to put the date into April due to the meetings but I thought something was strange as she had not said anything about it since and I had that "feeling" that there was something up again, So I asked her when was the open evening for her 12 months free? She seeme to babble a bit then got up and went out. I knew then that she had gambled as she does this every time I figure it out.
My wife did have a BIG win before she went gamble free for 12 months, money which was life changing! but she had gambled over 1/2 of it away within 1 week. (This is when she went back to the group meetings and was gamble free for 12 months)
My wife has lost over 1/2 a million over the last 2 years, over £120,000 before she won any money (Which I paid off) She has a good job so earns well, but before she won any money when she was in bad debt and I stopped bailing her out, It would take months to even sort out money owed, but all this time she was sorting her debts off, I was having to pay all the bills she could not cover so I was struggling myself.
We have no kids together but have 5 between us which we have brought up and all but 1 of them have now moved out into jobs (with some help from us)
I have a rare illness which means I get ill and am disabled, I get a good pension due to a good job I had before getting ill, but my wife met me while I was ill and much worse than I am atm.
Anyway I got my wife to join the bank I banked with and we opened a joint account so I could keep an eye on savings and could see her save as well. I don't wish to take over her money, This is not something I am willing to do!
We have had a great year, with holidays all over the world (We could afford this with our own income) We have also booked more holidays for this year and next year to go on cruises, everything just seemed great. Then on Friday it all came out when I (Me again) seemed to know something was wrong we never talked for 1 hole day, then she sent me an email (She is not good at talking with anything never mind this)
So I found out that she had gambled and spent around £35,000 this time (a lot but lots less than normal) She has said she does not gamble to win money as we have enough its just the "buzz" even when she wins sums of £25,000 she just gambles that as it don't mean anything to her! All her gambling is online slot machines.
We spoke in the car and she said a few things that had upset her in March (Her son and grandson) also said she felt "lonely" The only time she is lonely is when she is gambling as she is lieing and avoiding me.
When we spoke she said "Maybe I should go away for a week to a friends to see if I am lonely" (I know her friend and her friend knows her gambling problem) So I told her to go, seemed to me her mind was already made up.
The next day she sayed in bed till afternoon then went out, came back and went to her sisters, I had a text telling me she was having a "talk" with her sister and also was having a drink so she would get a taxi home. I told her to not bother coming home after she had been drinking all night and to stay at her sisters which she did.
Later on I was looking at my own bank account and looked at our joint account and seen over £12,000 had been taken out, So I took out 1/3rd of what was left in there (There was a lot) I did this to protect my own future (House is in my name and wanted savings like I did before) I left enough in the account so if we split up she could buy a house out right and also have money left over to do buy what she needed for it + more.
The next day she took the rest of the money out of the joint account and texted me "So its all about money?" - Well YES it is??
I never expected her to remove the money from the joint account and have told her to put it back before she ends up with nothing (via an email) - We have not spoke a word to each other now since the 21st April and she makes sure she is not in a room I am in (She is in bedroom now)
I don't know what to do? I have NO feelings about her gambling (not angry, sad, hurt) I seem to just not care?
I do love her still and really enjoy being around her still (when she is not gambling) I cannot live like this in my own home for much longer and I don't know what to say to her? I don't think I will ever be able to trust her again, it even started to spill over to "what she doing and with who?" and that's not the kind of person I am.
There is no way I am willing to take her money and then spoon feed it her like a child, I pay ALL the bills anyway, she only buys the food and pays the TV licence. I even provide the car that she drives through my mobility issue's (money I give up for the car)
I don't want people to say "It's time to leave her" as I believe in marriage and we have only been married 5 years (I always refused to get married before) but I also don't want people to say "Stay with her and help her again!"
I don't know an option I have? maybe in a few days I will feel different?
This is a nasty disease, easy to hide and very easy to lie about. At least if she was a druggy or an alcoholic, I would know when there is a relapse, it would not cost as much as well and other people could see what I am dealing with.
This is another thing I don't have no body to talk to about this, my friends are hers and I don't want to get pitty or them trying to talk about it but have no clue what its really about (They don't know the amounts of money, some think its like a few hundred pounds, so are "I am here for you" then speak to my wife and say "I don't understand what his problem is" I think they think I am just a "tight a*s"
thats all I can type for now.... 🙂
(sorry for spelling mistakes)
Hi madbrumie! Seeking help is important for both of you. Unfortunately you are now in a position where both of your behaviour is impacting on your relationship. I know that's hard to hear. Can you find a gamanon meeting and get help for yourself? Call gamcare and talk to someone. As I'm sure you've read other stories it is not advised to have joint accounts with a gambler. I know you don't want to control her money but where she is now, in the grip of addiction, money is nothing, has no value. She is completely addicted to the spin, the lights, the noise, the feeling. Would you leave an alcoholic with the booze? My husband is the cg and he agrees he can't have money. You'd be better off going and buying the house for her. Addiction feeds on secrets and lies. Addicts turn to their fix when they can't cope, something upsets them or just habit. It becomes learned behaviour. Letting her access money to gamble is enabling her. So you need to learn how not to or let her self destruct. You also need to work out why you don't care if she gambles. If she said 'it's all about the money' it sounds like she's trying to say to you 'why don't you care about me?' Gamblers talk of the triangle, money, opportunity, time. You have to remove one. Realistically you saying 'I'm not prepared to handle her money' isn't helping. You say you don't want to separate and you want this to stop. So you have to be the one to stop giving her money. You should have all money in your name. She's gambling massive amounts of money. This isn't just her problem. Bailouts help them continue and this is progressive so it just gets worse. None of us like to think it's our problem too. But how we react is important and we all have to learn how to cope with an addict.
No-one here can tell you what to do. Some have stayed with their CG's, some have left. There's no one size fits all but those who have stayed will in the vast majority of cases be the ones at least overseeing and very probably handling the gambler's finances. Mr L finds it a relief not to have to think about it and that's not unusual.
My advice would be to get as much as you can into your own name and secure your own finances so she can't access them. This will give you breathing space and time to research what you're up against and think things through.
Thanks for the advice 🙂
I want to go into the "money" even after we both spoke about this problem and that even at her GA group they have said I need to have control of her money, she does not want this!! I did say I would do it, but she said she would then start to hate having to "ask" for money and justify why when she has earned it. Also I don't think our marrage would last very long if I was controling her money. I know that sounds hard but I would not like to control it but would if I knew she was happy to do this and would not resent me.
I have done the "I am not bailing you out" on the 3rd time and I know that was hard for her and me, but it still cost me more money as I had to cover all the bills while she was dealing with her own debt from gambling.
We have still not spoke but she emailed me today (She is away at work for the night) and has ripped into me totally !
1st for talking money out of the joint account saying I had NO right.! She see's that money as her's as she won it (She forgets how much money I have spent bailing her out, which is more than I took from the account)
I left her well over £200,000 in the joint account and she is also saying thats not enough for a "Nice" house not like what we have (I owned this house before we met)
Also now she is saying she is lonely in our relationship, but I pointed out she is only lonely when she is gambling.
We have it good, just 2 weeks ago we had a great weekend away with friends (She was gambling then without me knowing) and we talked about doing it more. She goes on holiday every year with her friends (goes in 2 weeks) and also goes out with her friends every 6 weeks.
We don't get to go out as in drinking due to my disablitys so we try and do little things like go out for the day have some cake and coffee and just spend time talking and putting the world right.
There is nothing I can do that would mean I can do more as a couple due to the way I am but she knew this before we got together and as said I was worse then. (Stuck in a hospital bed for 2 years with 24 hour care) - She is even moaning about the person that comes to help with some level of care for 3 days a week as she don't do enough in the house and its like I just want someone to talk to. Yet my wife was the 1 that got this person as its her friend! and I have to pay for this out my own money not her's! and I have a cleaner 1 day a week!
I seem to be rolling down a hill now, My wife seems to want to blame me for things I never had control over or don't have any over.
Everytime I do something to make sure we cannot lose something due to her gambling, she is saying I am taking over material stuff and its just about money!
I have talked to get advice but as you have put above its about controling money and stuff which don't look like its going to be able to happen. If she is not willing to do this then were do I go from here?
I can only see the end of our relationship at the moment, I think as every day goes by with us not speaking and the way she is "attacking" me via email it just don't seem like there is a way forward
Hi from what you've said it seems she thinks her winnings are hers to continue with, yet doesn't pay bills when she's got debt. As she is in the grip of addiction what she thinks and wants is irrelevant as she won't be thinking about stopping. She just wants to gamble. The addict plays the blame game. If she hands control to you, you can see all her transactions and she doesn't want that. No active compulsive gambler wants help. Only once they have reached rock bottom and there's no more money will they realise enough is enough. She will gamble all the money in the account. If I had known what my husband was doing I would have moved every single penny regardless of what he thought. We can't tell you what to do we can only offer our experience. It suits a gambler to ignore daily life, retreat, argue to cause a reason to be alone to gamble. How dare you move money? How dare she gamble? You have to be ruthless, you have to change. If nothing changes nothing changes.
What she wants isn't the point. She's proved she can't be trusted (par for the course for CG's) . You need to concentrate on you and what you want. You can't stop her gambling. You can refuse to enable it by leaving funds within her reach.
As MGR says had I been aware of what was going on everything would have been put well beyond Mr L's *** immediately. As it is he can look at the bank accounts any time he likes (never asks) but he will never have unscrutinised access to them again. It's just one of the consequences of the way he behaved and frankly he can like it or lump it.
What do you want? It's the only thing you have any control over in this.
The only person who decides how you live your life is you. You choose what you’re going to do or possibly not going to do about the situation that you’re in. Take ownership of your choices.
If you want help, it’s there at GamAnon and or CoDA. Change starts with you.
CW
I keep seeing people say "change starts with you" & "You have to control all money" "look after you 1st"
So today I responded to her email (This is just stupid way to try and talk) I have put in the email that she needs to hand all control over of her money and also give me the money I left in the savings account, Get back in the GA group on friday and face up to what she has done and maybe we can start to move forward from there.
I have put other things in the email as well including counciling for both of us.
I have said we need to talk not via email and see what goes from there.
I don't think she will agree to any of this but as everyone is saying this is what must be done then its a last hope.
You all put about protecting yourself but some of the viel stuff in the email would mean it would not matter what I do to protect myself she would have 1/2 of it all anyway. House, My savings anything a solictor could get there hands on.
How can you protect yourself from losing all that? I can show what she has gambled away but they would say it was joint savings so it was her money as well.
I don't see how anyone wins here?
Jesus I don’t even know what to say, my head is in absolute bits. I’m not working at the moment due to gambling can never hold down a job due to it!!!!! Obsessed lunatic over casinos. Anyways I’m in around 80k with debt. I had 2k went to casino other night & won 14k!! Amazing got my cash & walked out the door. Been to casino tonight & every penny gone in couple hours!!!! Feel sick to my stomach and honestly don’t want to be here anymore !! Why would I do that 14k and I’ve no job could of got car got my braces done so much!!!!!!!
Gambling and addictions are emotional problems, not financial. With gambling, it’s money that gets used so there are financial consequences but the problem is gambling and the abuse that goes with it.
You could protect yourself by seeking your own legal advice. You could protect yourself by putting any money that you don’t want to be gambled away into your name with all cards, passwords and access secure. You can learn to look after yourself emotionally via GamAnon and CoDA. And yes, this change is painful but so is where you are?
Or you could leave her drug of choice (money for gambling) where she can easily access it. You could decline to take responsibility for your life by telling yourself that there’s nothing that you can do. You could carry on being a victim. You could carry on making everything about her instead of about you.
The choice is always yours.
CW
Hi if you've left £200k in an account, she gambles it. Then you split, she'll have half your savings, house etc. To stop her access stops her throwing it away. Ignoring each other is her excuse to be alone and gamble. Stop being scared of what she says. It's what she does and what you do that is vital. Move that money before you live the rest of your days regretting it. An addict will take you with them to hell. You know what she's doing, you are letting her. Online slots are designed for the house to win. Overtime you have nothing left. The big win wasn't enough for her. Keeping the money safe is helping her, leaving her access is enabling.
If you move the money in time, and say clearly that you are doing it because she is a compulsive gambler, your action challenges the denial. Mainly her denial, but yours too. Ditto seeking legal advice.
If you go to GamAnon and keep going, that action also challenges the denial.
Actions always speak louder than words. Your actions in tolerating, allowing etc, or not tolerating, not allowing, state your position far more clearly than any email.
CW
Can anyone see my post?
Hi irish,
I see that you've also just posted in the New Members section and started your own thread, which is the more appropriate place for your post at the moment. You should be able to get more responses there, since it's a thread that you've started, rather than someone else's.
Hang in there, and hope you find the forum to be a supportive place.
Travis
I am not sure people understood what I meant about some of the money.
I did leave over £200,000 in a joint account and said to her that she needs to buy a house with that so she has something for her and her children regardless of it we split up or not (She could let her mom live there and even if we slip up her mom could live with her anyway)
I did do the stupid stuff the 1st 3 times and paid everything off and the 4th time refused to, and she had it bad for a while.
It has worked that she stopped gambling for over 12 months and saved up over £12k as well as holidays etc without me taking control of her own accounts and it seemed to be doing really well until its just happened again. She has also been going to GA meetings for 2 years.
I know she is never going to not want to gamble and when I think I fully trust her there is a very small amount of money missing that a few days later I figure out what it was but th 1st thing I thought of was "Is she gambling again" so I know ALL trust has gone in regards to beleiving she is not going to gamble again.
Its hard when people say you have to talk, but if she will not stay in the same room as me and I then go to her and try and start to talk she just leaves the house. (she has never been able to talk about anything before gambling, but not as bad as this) So at least with the emails its getting points across so I and she can see how we are feeling and if there is any way forward.
I have not had a reply from her yet but I did tell her that she needed to give me the money back from the joint account and also I needed to take FULL control of her money as this was the only way forward, if not then we will be splitting up (I have made this choice now)
If she gambles the money she took from the joint account and comes after 1/2 of what I have then there is nothing I can do. I already have a good solictor so think I might be better off than she thinks, As I owned the house before she moved in, its in my name only and she has lived here 10 years, I have paid EVERY bill and ALL mortgage payments and have that in bank statements. Also her 3 children moved into my home and I helped bring them up, She just paid for the food. So I think I am in a better place if it gets dirty with solictors.
Also we brought her dad's house for him and he don't have many years left so thats another £150k+ that she would get that I can claim against as this was my money as well. (Her dads will says its left to both of us)
I cannot do much else to defend what I have if we split up, much like anyone else thats married to a CG.
I think tonight and tomorrow will be the days that we talk IF she will, if not then thats over a week and to me she is not willing to change or let me help her. I am going down the path every day this goes on, that this is the end or our marriage.
I thank you all for the support and advice, and will update you maybe over the weekend.
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