hello
I’m not sure I’m in the right place but not quite sure what’s best to do.
My other half had a breakdown last year, from October it appeared that he was getting better. He was functioning again, interacting with friends and family and so much more his old self.
In February after the bank had contacted me regarding my lack of logins to the account, I checked our account and could see lots of transfers of small amounts £15 a time to my husbands personal account. When I asked him what it was for he replied it was for himself. Eventually he confessed he was playing online slot machines, he had an issue with slot machines in the pub 25 years ago but hadn’t played them since. It was at that point my adult boys came to me to say they were concerned with his football bets too. I was hurt and devastated by his deceit. At the time he said he would stop and was glad I had found out. I said my lack of trust would cause me to question him and he would resent me for it. He said this wouldn’t happen…. But it has.
Over the following months his addiction went from gambling to drinking to oblivion, each time he drank he would cause an argument or say hurtful things to me. My Children have lost complete respect for him and every time he drinks he now rows with my eldest son. The atmosphere is awful. I felt that this is all a deeper issue and he’s not recovering from his breakdown he’s masking it with alcohol.
over the past few weeks small amount of money have been transferred to his personal account with various excuses as to why. When I have asked about his gambling he has said that he’s not and made me feel like I’m nagging. Yesterday after my eldest caught him online on a slot machine he eventually admitted that he’s been trying to prove to himself that he can control it. I have explained if he needs to lie then he clearly isn’t controlling it and that if he wants to gamble then I won’t be the nagging wife that prevents that and he can gamble but I won’t be around anymore. I’ve explained the biggest gamble he is taking is with his family and he just dismissed what I said. He says he feels he’s constantly under scrutiny and that we all bring up his past mental health issues but it’s actually him that brings them up. My eldest won’t speak to him and he is angry at my eldest for telling him off. It’s a complete no win situation. He came to me later to say that he had cancelled his accounts (he’s not shown proof of this) and asked me for a hug. In his mind it’s dealt with and we all need to shut up and move on never to be mentioned again. But how can I? I’ve been with him 28 years and it’s not huge amounts that he’s gambling but his attitude and resentment towards me is affecting my mental health and I’m doubting myself as a person. I am so upset that his relationship with my boys is at breaking point and he won’t try to resolve this. When I tell him this he says that I should try being him!
Hello @deborah,
I am sorry to hear what you are going through with your partner’s gambling problem and behaviours. I can imagine this is all really stressful and exhausting and will put you on edge as you might now feel like there is always something else to worry about.
It is possible that he is also replacing one risk-taking behaviour (gambling) with another risk-taking behaviour (alcohol) there is a certain something he gets out of this risk. This is still unhealthy and I can imagine very painful, as he seems to be blaming others and shifting the focus back onto you and your sons. It feels like he is in complete denial in regards to his gambling addiction and his actions are clearly affecting you and your family, with the relationships at breaking point.
It has clearly been going on for quite a while for you as well so can I suggest that you contact the GamCare Helpline on 0808 8020 133 or Netline just to have a space to talk and offload and see what other support we can offer you.
If you haven’t already, I would encourage you to make an appointment with your GP to discuss the impacts this is having on your mental health. This is not your fault and you are not alone.
Hopefully sharing on here will also help to make sense of it all for yourself.
Regards
Dan
Forum Admin
Hi Deborah,
I am a compulsive gambler and clearly I have no idea what it must feel like to be in your shoes. At least when your the gambler you know whether your gambling or not, you never get to be in that situation.
From what you say, your husband is not happy and either uses gambling or drinking to escape himself. For me I found that gambling became the perfect not to have to think or feel anything real, just a continuous series of dopamine hits as you anticipate the next win, which may or may not come. But ultimately you have to return to reality and face the consequences of the latest gambling binge and life in general.
I have no idea what the answer is in your situation other than to point out the obvious. As it stands your husband doesn't want to try and stop because he hasn't put anything in place to stop himself gambling. The odd self-exclusion is meaningless, because there is always another gambling site. If he wants to make it harder for himself to gamble, then its a combination of GAMSTOP and GAMBAN. Go to the websites and read if you want more info.
Remember its not your problem. Distance yourself from his problem. Keep monies separate. Expect more lies whilst he is continuing to gamble. Actions speak louder than words. Use your own support just for you. Try not to live your life through your husband.
Your OK.
Regards... S.A
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