I've been with my boyfriend for three years and we have just found out we are expecting our first child together. Whilst I should be over the moon I can't help but feel a little deflated as my boyfriend has a problem gambling.
The first time I found out was Christmas two years ago when he blew £900 which was meant for presents and to visit family! Ever since its been an increasing problem, one of which I did choose to ignore for a while but I can not no longer. I found out that he had started taking Wonga loans out to replace the money he had lost and I just feel like I'm in a downward spiral with no way out. The last pay he received (weekly) he blew £400 which was half of his wage gone . He's not missed any bills or payments as of yet but I know if I let it go on for longer he will.. We've tried all sorts me keeping his bank card etc but we always end up back in square one with him ending up with his bank card again and blowing all of his money . I'm scared to bring a child into this world when I don't know if he will ever be able to keep control of his addiction!
Does anyone have any advice please? Maybe how they have helped their other half overcome their addiction?
Morning,
Sorry to hear about the gambling problem and you're quite right to take it seriously. If he carries on, bills and rent won't get paid because, unchecked, addiction is progressive. The reality is that you and the baby will have to rely on you. That's big and regardless of what your bf does or doesn't do, start by looking after yourself. Get support from your midwife, from the helpline here, from your family, if you can get to a GamAnon meeting you'll find a room with people in the same position.
If you think about it, you have no way of physically making him place a bet or physically stopping him from betting. The only person who controls whether he's going to bet is him. Hence the three Cs: you didn't Cause the gambling, you can't Control the gambling and you can't Cure the gambling. That's why advice on helping him stop should come with clear goalposts - you can support him if you wish to but you can't "make" him do anything and responsibility for stopping is his.
Your bf could choose to stop gambling, not by just stopping, (he can't, he's addicted to the process of placing a bet) but by choosing recovery and then doing everything that it takes to stay in recovery. It's what he actually does that will change things, not what he says he might do next week. That means a combination of barriers and support - he'll find the help he needs at GA.
My husband hid it for years but when he did stop, he handed over financial control and does not wish to have it back, our flat was transferred to my name and nothing is in his, his computer has anti gambling software and he doesn't try to get the password for anyone else's device, he attends two GA meetings per week, he is permanently self excluded from the website he used and he doesn't try to open new accounts (as far as I know), there are notices of correction on his credit report to the effect that he doesn't want credit. We have a single joint account with no overdraft and I have told the bank that I don't authorise loan applications or gambling transactions from it (he hasn't tried). His wages are paid into that account and I move them out of harm's way as soon as possible. There is a window when he has access but so far he hasn't tried. All of this gives me enough reassurance to stay - he could get round it if he wanted to but so far he wants to be gamble free and the meetings and barriers support that.
Hope this helps, look after you.
CW
Hello, thanks for the quick reply! Yeah he does have breakdowns quite a lot and says he wants to stop gambling it's taken over his life etc and I have to talk him back around take his bank card back etc. He wants me to have total financial responsibility also but I feel a little bit uncomfortable doing it, obviously I would do anything to help and it would just take some getting used to but I don't want to take away all of his freedom!
Thanks for your advice, it shows that they can be light at the end of the tunnel x
Hello Marsh
Thank you for taking the step to post on the forum. You've had some great advice here, and if you want, you can also contact the Helpline or Netline for more. You are facing some big life events under very trying circumstances. It's not going to be easy, but we can offer you free counselling, a confidential, non judgemental space to work out what you really want to do.
Contact details are at the top of every page of this site.
Take care and keep posting,
Forum Admin
Hi Marsh.
I'm so sorry to hear that another person is experiencing what we are all here for.
It's not an easy thing. But having g two children and like you not realising our issue til our babies were here I can honestly say stay safe, keep your finances yours.
Save every penny you can and always keep your pin safe.
My OH has never been one to go above what was his, but recently stole money out of a locked box which was our money, not his.
He claims it isn't steal because he put it in there, but it was for our house deposit so it's stealing.
Your OH needs to hand financial control. Go to the bank and get added 3rd party to his accs, your not taking his freedom. You give him an amount you both agree to, for daily use, he uses it all soon tough. For food and basics. If you want to there are also child like bank spending cards, you can transfer spends too which like a debit card with out a 3digit.
There is a free number 0800 294 2060 that he can ring. Takes 15 minutes if he serious about self exclusion from book makers. In your area and surrounding areas.
If you have Internet log into your account and block access by changing the age to 13, and also entering certain websites into banned brackets.
It's not an easy process. And I don't think my relationship is going to come out the sunny end, but your early enough to stop it.
Good luck. Stay strong and protect you and your child
We are available 24 hours a day, every day of the year. You can also contact us for free on 0808 80 20 133. If you would like to find out more about the service before you start, including information on confidentiality, please click below. Call recordings and chat transcripts are saved for 28 days for quality assurance.
